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Old 09-14-2015, 08:58 PM
 
92 posts, read 60,417 times
Reputation: 42

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I'm new to the forum ... looking for some advice -- appreciate any feedback.

So I went out with a coworker of mine this summer. It lasted only 6 weeks. I know her since a little bit more than a year ago. I asked her out weeks after meeting her but she turned me down because she was together with her boyfriend then. We remained friends and would chat from time to time. As time went on our communication was getting deeper and there was definitely an emotional connection building. She was having problems with her boyfriend. She would not give me specifics about it but she would look for me when she was feeling sad or anxious about different things going on in her life.

Fast forward to this summer. I got a call from her one day asking if I could meet her out for lunch. She ended up opening up to me about family issues she was having and that she had broken up with the bf. She cried while telling me this and I ended the lunch by giving her a hug. We hugged for what felt like a long time. It was as if neither of us wanted to separate from each other. That was the start of our short period of dating. After that day we went out weekly for 6 weeks. Some weeks we hanged out twice. Things were going great and I was falling fast for her. I felt like she was very interested in me too. Well after some weeks the ex bf returned to the picture and she began to withdraw. She had told me that she really cared for this guy and had been with him for 4 years. He had given her an engagement ring but later on did something that hurt her and she stopped wearing it. Anyways, one day she texted me that she was seriously thinking about giving her ex a chance. That he had invited her out to some event and she didn't want to hide anything from me. She wanted to know what my thoughts were about her going with him. Of course I told her I didn't think it was a good idea and that she needed to decide what she wanted to do ... that I wasn't going to be a fallback guy. She said she didn't me or her to get hurt and that it was best if we didn't talk as much or see each other until she figure things out.

We didn't go out again after that. We work together (not in same building) and we text daily. Most of them initiated by her. She says she still has feelings for me and cares about me but loves him. I've tried to be distant and sometimes I take a long time to respond to her texts. I'm having a very hard time with this. I felt for her. I feel like I love her and I fighting my feelings. I don't want to show it because at this point I think is a moot point.

I told her that I wanted us to be together and that if she wanted commitment from me I felt ready for it. I didn't want her to think I just wanted her for sex or that I wasn't serious about being her. I told her that I don't have money like him (he earns six figures and she has expensive taste) but I would do my best to make her happy and we could be happy together. Her response was that it saddens her that I was hurting so much about this and that she cares for me but cares for him too.

At this point she wants me as a friend. I would like to be able to be a friend to her but I can't. Not after the feelings I have for her. Every time I see her I hurt because we are no longer together. Sometimes I feel I'm being selfish though. Like I should be able to put my feelings aside and be a friend to her.

Recently, I've gone out with other girls and although I've had a good time I can't seem to be able to forget about her.

She texts me daily and I want to cut contact slowly without coming being too mean or cold about it.

Any advice is appreciated guys.

Thanks,
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Old 09-14-2015, 09:08 PM
 
Location: SF Bay Area
13,343 posts, read 17,408,219 times
Reputation: 19654
This is why you should date people you work with.
If it hurts too much to be in contact with her then cut her off. Why are you dragging it out?
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Old 09-14-2015, 09:14 PM
 
92 posts, read 60,417 times
Reputation: 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaypee View Post
This is why you should date people you work with.
If it hurts too much to be in contact with her then cut her off. Why are you dragging it out?
I put myself in a bad situation here. Since we work together I can't really cut her off completely. We are bound to see each other from time to time. She texts me daily. She starts texting early in the morning and when she doesn't hear from me she asks if I'm ok or if something is wrong. I don't get it. I don't want to have to say it straight up that it's hurting me more to be in contact with her. I feel like she should understand this without me having to say it. Bottom line is she chose him. But says she cares for me and seems to need my attention and friendship. She talks to me about a bunch of stuff. I take long time to text back hoping she gets the hint but nope! she keeps at it.
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Old 09-14-2015, 09:17 PM
 
Location: SF Bay Area
13,343 posts, read 17,408,219 times
Reputation: 19654
Quote:
Originally Posted by HAGGEN View Post
I put myself in a bad situation here. Since we work together I can't really cut her off completely. We are bound to see each other from time to time. She texts me daily. She starts texting early in the morning and when she doesn't hear from me she asks if I'm ok or if something is wrong. I don't get it. I don't want to have to say it straight up that it's hurting me more to be in contact with her. I feel like she should understand this without me having to say it. Bottom line is she chose him. But says she cares for me and seems to need my attention and friendship. She talks to me about a bunch of stuff. I take long time to text back hoping she gets the hint but nope! she keeps at it.
Then tell her. If she's as caring as you say, she'll leave you alone.
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Old 09-14-2015, 09:19 PM
 
Location: Sugarmill Woods , FL
6,235 posts, read 5,901,687 times
Reputation: 13647
NO, friends idea will lead to nothing good for you or her.
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Old 09-14-2015, 09:35 PM
 
92 posts, read 60,417 times
Reputation: 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaypee View Post
Then tell her. If she's as caring as you say, she'll leave you alone.
I agree. This is what I will do. I'll tell her what she told me back then that it was best if we didn't talk as much or see each other. I actually thought she was serious about it and understood it. For whatever reason she wants to keep me as a friend and texts me all the time.
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Old 09-14-2015, 09:38 PM
 
92 posts, read 60,417 times
Reputation: 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by froglipz View Post
NO, friends idea will lead to nothing good for you or her.
This is what I was thinking. As much as I'd like to keep her in my life because she is a great person and I feel she gets me ... it's just not going to work.
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Old 09-14-2015, 09:48 PM
 
1,614 posts, read 1,217,839 times
Reputation: 2646
Shes wanting someone in reserve in case the getting back together doesnt work. Not fair to you or the other guy. I dont care what shes telling you she is either in or shes out. Dont know how she can even be trusted at this time. Your the one who has to cut the cord as look what shes doing to the ex she went back to. Not the least bit loyal. Block her texts if you have to, or just quit answering her emails and texts.
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Old 09-14-2015, 10:12 PM
 
92 posts, read 60,417 times
Reputation: 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by luv my dayton View Post
Shes wanting someone in reserve in case the getting back together doesnt work. Not fair to you or the other guy. I dont care what shes telling you she is either in or shes out. Dont know how she can even be trusted at this time. Your the one who has to cut the cord as look what shes doing to the ex she went back to. Not the least bit loyal. Block her texts if you have to, or just quit answering her emails and texts.
You may be right. Nothing has happened between us after she went back to her ex. Just a bunch of talk. But I guess that can be considered cheating as well.
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Old 09-14-2015, 11:18 PM
 
348 posts, read 255,455 times
Reputation: 512
You were her "girl friend" when she needed attention and someone to listen to her complain about her poor life decisions. She did just enough to keep you as a "friend" but was never going to (and will NEVER) commit to you romantically. Even if she didn't intentionally map out a plan to manipulate you (and most times women don't) she most certainly did. But then again you let her. As to advice? Do you want to continue to give your time and energy to a woman who is manipulating you, especially when that woman now knows you have strong romantic feelings for her?

Have no fear and don't feel bad. Most all us men have to learn this one the hard way. The important takeaway is to never let it happen again . Next time, soon as you know she has a boyfriend or boyfriend issues you tell her that you aren't interesting in being a "girl friend" and to give you a call if/when she is done and over with the boyfriend.
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