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Well, let's just say if you did tell them. How do you think they'd feel if they knew?
Speaking for myself: the Mr. revealed some interesting (and surprising) things many years after we were married. I wasn't the slightest bit upset that he never told me because, quite frankly, I don't believe I'm entitled to know those intimate details until/unless he chose to share them.
It's like anything in life, it's not about the events it's about the intent and reasoning behind them.
By default I would not be inclined to pass over someone just becuase they happened to have had mutiple sex partners at once, but add a questionable context or intent in to the mix and I will have my comcerns and doubts about who they may be as a person. The doubt is coming from their choices and "why" not only the action taken by itself.
It's a sum of all parts making the conclusion to whether or not someone is a decent person to be attaching yourself too, not just one single aspect.
Last edited by rego00123; 10-01-2015 at 12:39 PM..
Speaking for myself: the Mr. revealed some interesting (and surprising) things many years after we were married. I wasn't the slightest bit upset that he never told me because, quite frankly, I don't believe I'm entitled to know those intimate details until/unless he chose to share them.
True, when you're married & invested in someone it's a whole different ballgame compared to if someone knew right away & can make a decision on whether their okay with it or not. But why did he reveal these things only years later instead of earlier on?
Last edited by Jersey4Life; 10-01-2015 at 12:39 PM..
Ditto. It does get murky though when one discovers their proclivities later on, but their partner is unwilling to kink it up a notch.
That is true. I think when safe, nonjudgmental communication is established, both parties can feel they can have more open discussions. If the other person isn't into the kink, at least they can talk about it, come up with alternatives if possible, and feel like they are being heard, instead of hiding or feeling ashamed. It could backfire on some people, I guess, if one person keeps ramping things up because "Hey, if X is OK, maybe Y is too, and then we can try Z."
One of the best things about OKC is you can (generally) weed out the vanillas before the first date. It's a great asset.
Funny story.
Before I quit OKC, I noticed a new fella show up in my matches. He had this really forbidding, almost hostile look on his face in his profile pic, and this certain edge of pushy aggression and ego in the tone of his writing in his profile. I just knew.
So I sent him a message. I'm pretty "out" (obviously) about my interests, and not only was it on my profile, I mentioned BDSM to him within a few messages. He said, "You know, I'm sure I didn't put ANYTHING about that on my page, but since you mention it, I am a Dom and used to be active in the <city in other state> scene. How on earth could you tell?" I was like really...would you LOOK at your profile pic, please? Come on.
And just like another certain somebody I had one interesting meeting with months ago, he was, in no time at all, trying to be Mr. Pushy Dom Guy online...and true to form, once we met, he was the nicest gent one could expect to have dinner with. He was, however, a Capricorn like me, and while I appreciated the fact that he and I had eerily similar attitudes and ways of expressing them on nearly every-dang-thing, enjoying his company almost felt vain and narcissistic of me... We still text.
True, when your married & invested in someone it's a whole different ballgame compared to if someone knew right away & can make a decision on whether their okay with it or not. But why did he reveal these things only years later instead of earlier on?
That's when he felt comfortable telling me about it; whether he brought it up on our first date or a decade later is immaterial. He didn't need to tell me at all really, so my reaction was not a "Why did you keep that from me?", but rather a gleeful "Damn! Where have you been hiding that wild side?" It's actually fun to still learn new things about each other.
This is what I mean though. If someone wants to hide something they done in the past, than it's obvious their ashamed of it. A lot of women lie about their sexual past because they don't want to be viewed as slutty to the guy their with. But I've heard of cases where the guy found out that she lied & it makes things even worse in some cases than if she just told the truth right away.
Then in my case I'd feel he isn't the guy for me because that exact thing happened with my hubs and me. He's a born and raised Mormon, I'm a convert. I had sex before we got married, he was a virgin. I disclosed everything because I rather he knew upfront who i was before we married. He listened to me, my tears, and said none of that mattered to him. He loved who I was and not who he thought I should be. It works for me because wearing my heart on my sleeve is who I am. If a guy or friend can't handle that then they can't handle me.
I understand other people are different. But non disclosure should never be out of shame. Shame is an unhealthy poisonous unproductive emotion.
Interesting insights, some people like to or need to judge people for walking in the rain, there's a lot of people who "think"their looking down on you but really their just looking down. I've seen people killed by fire smoke and grease, I've been shot at, spit at, kick and punched at, I'be seen human beings with the most frightening looks and seen people who were so relieved to be alive that the look in their eyes and smile on their face's let's me know it will always be worth the risk to make a save
I don't care nor should I what people do that makes them happy, as long as they are a peaceful and loving lot, I say have fun. I remember back when I was a kid in Fort Lauderdale, I was hanging out with two pretty cool young ladies, when I was day away from going home, we spent the afternoon together and it was special. Today I'm happy and married and a pop pop, when you reach my age you learn how to be understanding with just about everyone and everything. I'm a conservative and a God fearing man who realizes that we're all different and special all in our own way. So I care more about if you have a working fire detector in your house then what your doing behind close doors.so, have fun, stay safe and enjoy life good citizens.😊
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,033,395 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by April R
I understand other people are different. But non disclosure should never be out of shame. Shame is an unhealthy poisonous unproductive emotion.
You know, the simplest solution to this is to not shame people. There is nothing shameful about sex. About having sex with nobody, or 5 people over ten years, or 5 people at once, or 50 people in their life. What is there to be ashamed about?
If people would stop being self righteous judgmental __________, there would be no such thing as shame when it comes to sex. Save the shaming for the business people that tank economies or people's life savings and walk away with golden parachutes.
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