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I'm not saying the being hurt in the past is some kind of ruse being used to trick you.
It's usually true. These kinds of guys usually have been hurt. And it's a dead giveaway for guys who pick women who jerk them around, but can't handle a close relationship with women who are available for real, intimate, functional relationships.
You'll see. He will eventually sabotage this relationship if you are the kind of woman who wants a close, loving, and healthy relationship.
He's probably into you. He just won't be able to handle the closeness you want.
I think what you're saying makes sense to me. But are you saying that I can expect a man to jump right into the first serious relationship he'll have after a nasty breakup? Or more accurately, how would I expect a man who has been recently burned but is open to being in an intimate, loving relationship to act?
If he talks about the ex with hurt feelings that's not a good sign. It means hes on the rebound.
..callously broke up? Just a Guy has a point about walking wounded men. I didn't know till you mentioned it
You really need to talk.
No, it's not like he talks about her when we're together. But he did talk about her when he and I had a couple of serious discussions about our relationship history, which of course included our exes. He did tell me what she did and how hurt he was when she did it, but it wasn't really with a hostile tone. If anything, between the two of us, it's I who speak with hostility when I talk about my ex, but that's only because my ex has sent me a couple of hate emails.
I think what you're saying makes sense to me. But are you saying that I can expect a man to jump right into the first serious relationship he'll have after a nasty breakup?
You didn't say how long ago the breakup was, but any guy who still has trust issues from a previous relationship is definitely not ready to have the kind of relationship you seem to want.
Jumping into a relationship with a guy who is having "trust issues" is a recipe for disaster.
Why are you so afraid of talking to him about something that is important to you?
Well, because in my entire history of dating and relationships, I have never had to initiate a "why haven't you said I love you yet" talk? And even though I live in the US now, I was brought up in a culture where the guy always says it first. I have let go of several traditions that are obsolete and don't make sense, but there are some I still can't let go of, and this is one of those.
I think what you're saying makes sense to me. But are you saying that I can expect a man to jump right into the first serious relationship he'll have after a nasty breakup? Or more accurately, how would I expect a man who has been recently burned but is open to being in an intimate, loving relationship to act?
A guy who is able to have a healthy, intimate relationship does not need to take things slowly due to his trust issues. While he won't jump in with all guns blazing trying to make everything happen fast and furious (that's the opposite kind of red flag), moving things to a more intimate level shouldn't be a struggle for him.
Well, because in my entire history of dating and relationships, I have never had to initiate a "why haven't you said I love you yet" talk? And even though I live in the US now, I was brought up in a culture where the guy always says it first. I have let go of several traditions that are obsolete and don't make sense, but there are some I still can't let go of, and this is one of those.
I see two problems with this:
1- Talking about things that are important to you is the bedrock of a good relationship and is not obsolete.
2- By not talking about this, you avoid the key, underlying issue of what is really going on with this- his potential inability to give you what you need.
But you feel free to do what you want. Just don't be surprised when you are still asking the same question or can't figure out why he is pulling away from you in another year or so.
You didn't say how long ago the breakup was, but any guy who still has trust issues from a previous relationship is definitely not ready to have the kind of relationship you seem to want.
Jumping into a relationship with a guy who is having "trust issues" is a recipe for disaster.
I didn't exactly jump into it. We started a relationship 5 months after we met, 3 months after we started going out on dates.
My boyfriend and I are going on 6 months of officially being bf and gf, although we started going out about 9 months ago. The process has been slow, primarily because he’s slow to trust after getting hurt by his last girlfriend, but our relationship has definitely been progressing. He has become more emotionally intimate with me (he used to not cuddle after sex, and now he does), much more open, and much more comfortable around me. We used to see each other only on the weekend and used to only communicate every other day in between dates, but after I let him know that I needed daily communication and would like to see more of him, he started communicating with me daily. We also now see each other 4 days in a week (we both have busy schedules, with side gigs on top of our day jobs, so this is the most doable). He said he wants us to work, so if more communication and more frequent dates will make me happy, then he’s happy to do it. And the biggest step he has made so far is that just last weekend, he introduced me to his parents. He was hesitant to do this a couple of months ago. But last weekend, he took me to his parents’ place and also introduced me to his uncles and aunts. His parents invited me to spend Christmas with their family.
What I still have an issue with, though, is that he has yet to say the words, “I love you.” I know I shouldn’t harp on it, and I really try not to, but I admit that after 6 months (9 months if you count the time we weren’t official yet), I wonder why he still can’t say the words. He has mentioned “love” a couple of times. He often teases me, and he told me that teasing is how he shows love, giving as an example how he teases his little sister, whom he “loves to death.” And one time he joked about “the power of love” in reference to our relationship. But he has yet to come out and say the three words.
Is this something that could be cause for concern? Or given how slow his progress has been in opening up, should I not expect it yet at this point?
Yes. He failed your test. Move on and test other men. Be sure to give your current non-lover a test pass report before kicking him to the curb with an F. It wouldn't be fair otherwise.
Don't get me wrong. There is nothing bad about taking things at a reasonable pace as you get to know each other. The major problem here are the trust issues being the reason for taking things slowly.
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