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"Everyone loves a mystery. . . " For me as well, I am always drawn to the man whose mind plagues me like a rubix cube,, rather than a simple game of Connect Four.
It was a lot easier last time. That's why I think I could. Six weeks had gone by, and I was cooling off emotionally, went back over, had my tumble, left him half asleep in bed, and no regrets or feeling of emotional cling after. But by that point, I had other people to go to if I needed lovin'.
But I'm not sure it's worth it as I'm working out where my discomforts do lie, in this. I mean, I was thinking..."What is there to lose? I could totally have that again, I've been with him before, why say no to what I know I enjoy so much?" But there was this nagging...something...in the back of my mind. I need reasons for such things, and I worry at them until I work it out. It's the basic lack of respect. Not in the sense that casual sex is disrespectful in and of itself, because I don't believe that to necessarily be true.
(and my defiance against that concept is probably what made me slow to figure this out)
But in the sense that he has led me on, told me he would come out to this or that thing, told me he wanted to see me and then let weeks go by without making good on it in any way...THAT is disrespectful, and THAT is where the problem is at. And I have had about enough of men (*cough* my ex *cough*) where their needs matter and mine don't. So.
All that is what I call jerking someone around. Stick with the massages and hot tub.
When you say you don't "need" him at this point, and so you're confused as to why you'd put up with disrespectful behavior, are you saying that if you did need him, putting up with disrespectful behavior would be your choice? Is your sex life worth sacrificing your values or self respect?
When you say you don't "need" him at this point, and so you're confused as to why you'd put up with disrespectful behavior, are you saying that if you did need him, putting up with disrespectful behavior would be your choice? Is your sex life worth sacrificing your values or self respect?
I don't believe I said that I would sacrifice my values or self respect. Tolerating others around you who don't believe as you do is hardly sacrificing your beliefs, man. So the guy does not respect me. I respect me. I can decide that what I get is worth putting up with his BS, or else it isn't. Hasn't got a lot to do with my self respect. He does not share my relationship ethics. Doesn't mean that mine are not intact. I still do things the way I believe they should be done, whatever he may choose to do.
When what I was getting from him, not just sex but a very particular sort of sex, was in no way fulfilled anywhere else, I would eagerly go on up there when he gave me the go-ahead...because even if he had been selfish in his treatment of setting up plans with me and all, I wanted very much what he had to offer. I had been frustrated in my efforts to find it elsewhere.
Also...to put this in perspective...the kind of person who thinks that tolerating disrespect means you have no self respect, is the kind who would respond to, say, and insult by a stranger with violence. I am not that person. I'm quite secure in what I think of myself, and my opinion of myself is fairly high, though of course I'm human and have my moments of self-doubt. What others think of me is generally no concern of mine. I approach this situation from a place of neutrality though, not needing anything particularly, and with no very strong emotions nudging me in one direction or another, merely the vaguest of unease and overall uncertainty.
So I simply don't agree with your assessment of the situation.
"Everyone loves a mystery. . . " For me as well, I am always drawn to the man whose mind plagues me like a rubix cube,, rather than a simple game of Connect Four.
the "mystery" is usually from someone that isn't really interested
the "mystery" is usually from someone that isn't really interested
Not exactly the point I was making, lol. . . But I can see how some people might associate "mystery" with ambivalence, indifference, and/or rejection . * I think in the OP's case, he probably has a primary relationship and possibly a few others in the mix. That's not exactly 'disinterest', it's just simply spreading yourself too thin. Getting only fraction of someone can certainly leave alot to the imagination.. Re: confusion.
the "mystery" is usually from someone that isn't really interested
I think that is true to some extent with this one...at least, we do not have enough in common that he imagines us pairing up as a relationship, going to social gatherings that include his friends/family, primarily his interest in me is sexual and he does not want me to get attached. He doesn't want me making demands. It's not that he completely doesn't want me...just only ever on his terms.
He is a really complex person and very hard to understand, but that much is clear. He says he's an introvert, a sociopath, has a worm farm in his basement, and 100 other completely oddball things in his explanations of why he cannot see me more. That he doesn't want sex with me unless he is rewarding himself for doing something good in his own life, for some accomplishment. I mean really, wtf?
I spent too much time trying to assess and pick apart the things he said, the things I observed and found out about him, psychoanalyze him and see if any part of his behavior was somehow excusable. At the end of the day, it is OK for him to want what he wants and not want what he doesn't want. But that doesn't mean that I have to play along. That choice, is on me.
The real mystery was the fact that understanding other people and what motivates them is usually VERY easy for me. I'm too much a skeptic to outright sit here and call myself "empathic" but I read nonverbal cues and things mentioned fleetingly and subtle things about people...and form very accurate judgments of who they are and what they're about. This one however controls what others perceive of him and I have never been able to read him very well. Attempts have only been blind guesswork, and only kind of close to the mark if I'm lucky.
I do not use my other lovers for sex. More often than not, we meet for dates. Dinners. Movies. Social gatherings with friends. Occasionally we have sex, either paired off or once in a blue moon, as a very comfortable group. As crazy as it might sound, I actually think that none of us get laid as often as we'd like. We are all very busy adults with busy lives and obligations. Even though there are a few of us, we're lucky if we can get things going once or twice a week.
If there is any crutch going on, it's emotional support and validation. I am dealing with a very abusive ex at home and extricating myself from that situation has been like pulling teeth. Having the loving support of these people has meant the world to me.
But the one I posted about...it isn't that way with him. Yes he's using me for sex, and I don't necessarily have an issue with that since I get great sex in the bargain, too. Am I not also using him? Or is sex only a commodity that a man can use a woman for? Am I not allowed to enjoy what I get from him, to place value upon it? As a concept, I have to argue that point.
But I'm coming around to a conclusion. While I can deal with his ways and not be hurt about it, and just take a rare casual hookup on his terms if I so choose...it is bothering me because it violates the relationship ethics I do have, I feel like I'm enabling and rewarding bad behavior on his part. Lying. Disrespecting my time by saying he wants to get together and then failing to follow through with plans. Demanding that I wait for his invite. Things like that.
The argument for seeing him is that I don't have much to lose and could just have a good night, and no harm done.
The argument for NOT seeing him is that I have all my needs met and don't need him, and that being the case, have no reason to tolerate disrespectful behavior from him, and my time is valuable and better spent with people who do appreciate and want it.
(This is me thinking it through.)
It was the tolerating of disrespectful behavior that violates your relationship ethics that led me to the conclusion that your self respect was in play. When someone chooses to accept disrespectful behavior that violates their personal ethics, that's not typically a sign of a strong sense of self. I suppose you could be an exception.
Admittedly, I drew a an inference from your comment. Choosing to accept disrespectful behavior that you say violates your ethics seems to logically lead to the inference that you lack self respect. You infer from my inference that I'm the kind of person who responds to an insult from a stranger with violence. OK then.
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For me as well, I am always drawn to the man whose mind plagues me like a rubix cube,, rather than a simple game of Connect Four.
