Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I recently found out that my husband has had an affair while being overseas with his job. In the meantime I am being faithful here back home in the states, working, managing our home and taking care of our son. He didn't confess this to me, I found out on my own.
He now says he would like for our marriage to work out but refuses to apologize for what he has done. What I would like to know from anyone on here that has been through this, does the cheating spouse ever feel any guilt while he is doing this sort of thing? He doesn't want to discuss it and wants it to be swept under the carpet. I started discussing this in another thread that someone else had originally posted but it was an ancient post.
I have never had an affair and I guess I just do not understand the feelings that are involved between the cheating spouse and the other woman. If he cuts it off with her, what kind of typical lines are used with her? And how do the affairs get cut off? Do they still linger on for awhile?
Over 30 years ago I was a cheating live-in girlfriend; I had a brief affair with another man. From my perspective at the time, I felt incredibly guilty. In fact it was a relief to get "caught" and I have always wondered if I didn't get found out accidentally on purpose.
The whole thing was really stressful and I never did it again and never wanted to. Mind you am no longer with that guy but all these years later we are still friends.
I do think your husband needs to man up and apologize.
I also know it is possible for a spouse to have an affair and the marriage survive. Among several anecdotes I can share: my mother and stepfather, now in their 80s, hit a rocky patch in the early 1980s when he had an affair, but they are still together and happy.
We don't know anything about your marriage, of course.
Sometimes, though, cheating spouses feel they are entitled to the affair, or that they "need" the affair for whatever reason.
Many cheaters are able to box off their lives and not allow one aspect of their life to bleed over into the other parts.
The fact that your husband refuses to apoligize leads me to believe he falls into the first camp of someone who thinks this affair is something he needed.
They can be messy to untangle, and usually don't end neatly if the two people are still around each other. There are no "typical lines" to end it. There are as many ways to end an affair as there are people. We just don't know enough to speculate.
If they had feelings for each other, it will be difficult to cut all ties.
I recently found out that my husband has had an affair while being overseas with his job. In the meantime I am being faithful here back home in the states, working, managing our home and taking care of our son. He didn't confess this to me, I found out on my own.
He now says he would like for our marriage to work out but refuses to apologize for what he has done. What I would like to know from anyone on here that has been through this, does the cheating spouse ever feel any guilt while he is doing this sort of thing? He doesn't want to discuss it and wants it to be swept under the carpet. I started discussing this in another thread that someone else had originally posted but it was an ancient post.
I have never had an affair and I guess I just do not understand the feelings that are involved between the cheating spouse and the other woman. If he cuts it off with her, what kind of typical lines are used with her? And how do the affairs get cut off? Do they still linger on for awhile?
I'm really sorry you have to go through something like this. It hurts, demoralizes and makes us doubt ourselves as wives.
If course he wants the marriage "to work out". Why wouldn't he? You haven't done anything to him that would make him want out. Cheating spouses may feel some guilt. I don't know. I do know that his cheating has NOTHING to do with YOU. He's overseas, met someone and is having an affair. Not because of you, at all, but because she was there.
I'm sorry but he HAS to discuss it. It can't be ignored like it never happened. It's cruel of him to even think of doing that. And no apology? I think that might be a 'final straw' for me. How can anyone with half an ounce of feeling NOT apologize for something like that? AND discuss it and get it out of the way. Marriages can survive cheating but it takes BOTH parties committed to doing it. He's being selfish and self righteous, sounds like to me.
If this is just an affair 'of convenience', just while he's there, it might be easier to work through but you don't say if he's made any declarations of feelings for her. I think I'd be finding that out pronto because if he DOES claim to really care about, or love, her then it's probably too late.
I've been cheated on so many times, forgiven and forgiven and forgiven and I wouldn't do it anymore. It's up to you to decide if he's worth it or not. How they break up with their mistresses, I have no idea. I've never been one so I don't know how that works.
Cheaters often feel that, after they have ended their side relationship, their main relationship can 'just go back to normal'. They expect it to be as if the cheating never happened.
The person cheated on, OTOH, often feels that it is only after the cheating ends that the two of them can begin to work through this enormous crisis.
The result is that the cheater often gets angry, accuses their partner of guilt tripping them, says they would not have broken up with their affair partner if they had known they would have to face their main partner's anger, etc. Or they get depressed.
It's a continuation of the denial that they were in when they were actively cheating. It's how they avoid feeling guilty.
A good couple's therapist will be able to help your hubby understand that this is not a rational way to look at the situation, and to help him notice and deal with the guilt he does feel, deep down.
Quote:
If he cuts it off with her, what kind of typical lines are used with her? And how do the affairs get cut off? Do they still linger on for awhile?
Are you thinking that maybe he has not really broken up with her? If you are not usually a paranoid or jealous person, you might be right.
I recently found out that my husband has had an affair while being overseas with his job. In the meantime I am being faithful here back home in the states, working, managing our home and taking care of our son. He didn't confess this to me, I found out on my own.
He now says he would like for our marriage to work out but refuses to apologize for what he has done. What I would like to know from anyone on here that has been through this, does the cheating spouse ever feel any guilt while he is doing this sort of thing? He doesn't want to discuss it and wants it to be swept under the carpet. I started discussing this in another thread that someone else had originally posted but it was an ancient post.
I have never had an affair and I guess I just do not understand the feelings that are involved between the cheating spouse and the other woman. If he cuts it off with her, what kind of typical lines are used with her? And how do the affairs get cut off? Do they still linger on for awhile?
Why do you care?
Just leave the bum and move on.
I really don't care what a serial killer is thinking any more than an adulterer.
If he's still over there with her they are probably in bed right now. Sorry to say but I doubt it's over.
His reaction is typical, as one poster stated they don't think they did anything wrong and they become angry, sullen, and defensive when you have the gall!! to want to discuss it and talk about it. They expect you to act like nothing happened. Also she knows all about you, maybe not everything, but she knows things that she shouldn't know because he told her stuff. You found out by accident , he did not tell you, so this was going to keep evolving. Also watch out for her pull on him, if she is really into him she will do ANYTHING to keep it going. She may claim to be pregnant, she may know things to blackmail him with, perhaps with his job, etc. If he returns home be on the lookout for many phone calls and whispering conversations, texts, etc. It will be very difficult many times.
You are in for a recovery period of at least 2 years before you are going to be able to deal with him and this news and not think about it constantly. With him being overseas it delays the healing process from starting and also he may not want to deal with your needing time to wrap this up in your heart and head and may walk. You should probably seek legal counsel as well, just for advice regarding the home, kids, finances, etc, so you are not blindsided. Also he will probably do it again if you decide to stay with him, his cavalier attitude shows no depth for your feelings at all, and if he has opportunity he will do it again. Stay strong and try to have as many normal activities in your life as you can. As the weeks and months pass your answer will come to you.
I've never cheated, so couldn't tell you from a personal standpoint. Was cheated on by one previous partner, and I sincerely doubt guilt ever entered into the equation, but I'd have no way of knowing, anyway, even if it did.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
