Is this normal behavoir or a red flag for my relationship? (dating, how to)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Need some perspective since we know that a lot of women (myself included) overthink relationships. Been with my SO for about 10 months. (I think it is important to note he was newly divorced when we started dating) For the first four-five months, he was the most attentive man I have ever dated. Compliments constantly (not just the typical "You are so beautiful" but things like how I made him a better man, etc etc). Talked about the future and how happy/lucky he was to have me. Talked about wanting me to meet his family (they are 6 hours away). Every indication we had a long term future.
In the more recent months these comments have stopped. He still compliments me, mainly telling me how pretty I am or whatnot every couple of days. But no direct mention of the future. He will say abstract things about being around long term but nothing concrete. For example, we used to talk about traveling places together but those types of things never get mentioned anymore. Nothing about meeting his family.
However, nothing in his actual actions has waned. We still see each other and I sleep over five nights a week. Text/gchat daily. Whenever I ask if he needs more time to himself, he always says no. He is always willing to spend time with my family. He is still very physically affectionate. This is my first time in a long term relationship (we are both 30) and I am torn between feeling as though maybe he is backing off and not wanting something so committed or whether I am just being overly sensitive and he is just settled into the relationship and feels it is just a given that he is committed. So people of city-data, how often do you talk to your SO's about these things? Do you get to a point where it is just accepted you two will be together without the verbal confirmation? Or does this sound like someone who might be having second thoughts?
Just as an FYI: I know the biggest piece of advice would be to just ask. I have done this in the past and he insists I mean even more to him than I did when we started dating and I have nothing to worry about and he wants to be with me. So I don't want to keep asking and asking (how annoying it that??) But it is nagging me the more time goes on. I feel like 10 months is not enough time for him or I to have a "future" figured out so I want to give it time and see where things evolve naturally but wanted to come here for maybe some clarity and better perspective. Thank you!
If he came out of a long relationship he's going to take some time healing from that and might not be ready. Has he discussed moving in together?
You still see him a lot so that's a good sign. I'm sure after 10 months it's ok to ask when you'll meet his family. 30 is a bit old for a first relationship, no one ever really knows what the future holds. It's a matter of time and feelings growing stronger or not.
Maybe say you'd like to travel somewhere next year and see his reaction.
It sounds like he likes you but break ups are hard, his recent divorce surely has an effect on where he is now.
Sounds like the honeymoon is over and you are getting to the more comfy stage of a relationships. He may think that these things are understood now and that he doesn't need to mention them all the time. Stop overthinking it and instead relish it!
OP, the first few months of any relationship are the most intense. But that intensity is unsustainable. Eventually the feelings fade and he sees the real you (not the idealized you) for the first time. The fact that you're still sleeping over at his place 5 nights a week is a good sign. You may be insecure, but try not to overanalyze everything. He has assured you that you mean even more to him now than you did when you first started dating. Does he have a tendency to lie? Just relax. You're in a better position than a lot of women who get dumped at the 6 month mark.
To me, a man's actions mean more than his words. Most guys don't see the point in repeating things they've already told you (even though we women never tire of hearing nice compliments).
The fact that he's newly divorced is a good reason that neither one of you should rush too fast into a relationship. Even a "good" divorce leaves a lot of battle scars that need time to heal.
Personally, I think sleeping over at his place 5x a week is too much for both of you. He may say he wants you there, and he might really think he does, but at the same time, it would be healthier for both of you to have more space. He needs to learn how to be his own person again, and you need to show him that you are also your own person, who is neither too needy nor too suffocating. He should be coming to your place sometimes as well.
What he's doing seems pretty normal and sensible for what he's been through. I would be more worried if he was still being overly-attentive and rushing things to get more serious, since these types of relationships tend to burn out the fastest.
If you need a commitment and he's not willing to make one then you need to move on. There's no reason to make up a bunch of excuses about why or why he might not be ready - that's HIS business. If he's not ready for YOU then that IS your business. If you're tired of waiting or don't believe he's even considering a commitment then ditch him. Maybe you'll learn that the risk of being a rebound is much higher when you grab someone fresh out of a relationship, especially if married.
What kind of commitment are you talking about? Are you expecting him to propose? Ask you to move in with him? I'm not sure what it is that you are wanting at this point in time.
Need some perspective since we know that a lot of women (myself included) overthink relationships. Been with my SO for about 10 months. (I think it is important to note he was newly divorced when we started dating) For the first four-five months, he was the most attentive man I have ever dated. Compliments constantly (not just the typical "You are so beautiful" but things like how I made him a better man, etc etc). Talked about the future and how happy/lucky he was to have me. Talked about wanting me to meet his family (they are 6 hours away). Every indication we had a long term future.
No, you understood that wrong. That was every indication you have NO future. This is a screaming red flag about the "too much too soon" rule. Showering someone with compliments constantly, the "you make me a better man" line (before he hardly knew you), and talk about a future together, when you two were just getting to know each other, that's all inappropriate, especially the talk about a future together.
But it worked, OP; it got him what he wanted--you sleeping with him 5 days/week. Now he doesn't need to smother you with compliments or talk about a future he was never interested in, because get got what he wanted.
Sorry, that's the way I see it. When they come on really heavy in the first days and weeks, it's a red flag.
Location: Sodo Sopa at The Villas above Kenny' s House.
2,492 posts, read 3,030,408 times
Reputation: 3911
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
No, you understood that wrong. That was every indication you have NO future. This is a screaming red flag about the "too much too soon" rule. Showering someone with compliments constantly, the "you make me a better man" line (before he hardly knew you), and talk about a future together, when you two were just getting to know each other, that's all inappropriate, especially the talk about a future together.
But it worked, OP; it got him what he wanted--you sleeping with him 5 days/week. Now he doesn't need to smother you with compliments or talk about a future he was never interested in, because get got what he wanted.
Sorry, that's the way I see it. When they come on really heavy in the first days and weeks, it's a red flag.
That's kind of how I see it too. I recently got out of a 4 year relationship so I've been obsessing over some of the red flags. Too much too soon and the whole she couldn't but you magically can idea are definitely two of them.
No, you understood that wrong. That was every indication you have NO future. This is a screaming red flag about the "too much too soon" rule. Showering someone with compliments constantly, the "you make me a better man" line (before he hardly knew you), and talk about a future together, when you two were just getting to know each other, that's all inappropriate, especially the talk about a future together.
But it worked, OP; it got him what he wanted--you sleeping with him 5 days/week. Now he doesn't need to smother you with compliments or talk about a future he was never interested in, because get got what he wanted.
Sorry, that's the way I see it. When they come on really heavy in the first days and weeks, it's a red flag.
Thank you for your perspective; I totally understand what you are saying and it is something I have definitely thought about in regards to the whole "too much too soon" idealizing stage.
But in regards to the highlighted statement, I am curious to hear your perspective a little more on this. Now the whole spending 5 nights a week with him is not strictly a sexual thing (I am unsure if that is what you were hinting at) The time we spend together is, for lack of a better way to explain it, very stereotypical committed couple time: errands, date nights, walks/hikes, cooking together, etc. I guess I am curious to hear that if you think all of what I am saying are red flags showing the relationship is headed no where, why he would be investing this time? Just for company? Isn't the age old cliche that when a man doesn't want commitment he pulls away from those things?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
