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This is probably like many other posts and experiences, and I just need to suck it up and move on, but I'm pretty torn up over a relationship that appears to have just ended, and can't figure out how to move on. It's consuming my every thought and I'm just really disappointed.
Background: (sorry this is so long-winded, but I feel like the genesis of the relationship and some details are important).
I was dating a 25 year old (mature for her age) girl for 2.5 months. I'm 30 (but look like I'm 25 I've been told -- and she didn't find this age gap to be an issue at all). I had my eye on her for a long time before asking her out, and the interest only increased after our first date. We clicked, she was smart, funny, and really sweet. I've dated a good amount of desirable girls, but this one really seemed perfect for me. We had similar interests, there seemed to be mutual attraction, and I really wanted it to work out. Knowing how eager I was, I knew that I had to make a conscious effort to take it slow, and not come on too strong. She seemed really wholesome, and the type to take it slow. She also had a very busy social life. She initiated the 2nd date before the 1st date was even over, and we began texting a decent amount.
We went on 3 more dates over the next 3 weeks. She would only make herself available once a week, on weeknights only, during this time. The 3rd and 4th dates ended with long, sensual kisses, and plans to see each other soon. Then Thanksgiving came, and we both had plans to travel home. We texted a few times over that week, and when we got back home I invited her over for dinner and to hang out. She was really affectionate the entire night, and we had a very PG hookup on the couch, but it lasted a long time. There was one more date, which went well, right before we again started traveling in different directions for long Christmas breaks. She suggested that I meet her in Denver over Christmas where she had long ago planned a skiing trip with friends. I also had a friend in Denver, and love to ski there, so I did it (this may have been a mistake - to fly across the country at her suggestion after dating for less than 2 months). Well, I didn't see much of her in Colorado -- she was focused on spending time with her friends from her Fulbright program overseas, who now lived all over the world and didn't see each other often. Trying to coordinate with everyone was tricky (the ski slopes were hours apart, they ended up staying in Boulder, and only 2 of us had cars). She was apologetic about it, but not really eager to ensure that we spent time together in Colorado. I played it cool for the most part, since I knew we lived close to each other and could see each other any time once we got home. I only hung out with her and her friends twice. They were doing nerdy things like potlucks and going to art shows, but we all had a great time and really clicked.
When we got back home, she initiated the next hang out, on a Thursday night. Then on Thursday, she called me during the day to say that she completely forgot that she had RSVP'd to go to something involving her ex-coworkers. She apologized, and suggested that we just do something on Friday night. On Friday I went to her place for the first time where her roommates and friends were having a big feast. It was great, and then just the 2 of us went to a movie at her suggestion. She was really affectionate the entire night, and I was thinking she would invite me to spend the night. She didn't because she had to get up early for a volunteer breakfast, and her friend from out of town was picking her up early (I think she was worried about how it would look to people close to her, who had only met me once, if I was there in the morning). But there was a lot of kissing and heavy petting to end the night. We each had separate plans for the rest of the weekend, but texted a lot, and on Sunday she called me and completely opened up her calendar to me. She wanted to hang out several times that week, and discussed a few overnight trips she wanted to take with me, as well a day trip that weekend. Things finally looked they were really about to take off.
Then she got pretty sick, and we scrapped plans during the week, but still texted or talked every day. Friday night she had her company holiday party, which she attended briefly, and Saturday she reluctantly went to a concert with friends. I was a little annoyed that she didn't invite me to the concert -- there were tickets still available, and I was never told about it until that day. I didn't react at all, but this seemed strange to me, but I figured its healthy to not plan everything together, and we had made plans to hang out 4 times that week. She had pushed herself to go to the holiday event and the concert, and she was sick again on Sunday. It was bitterly cold, with no new snow on Monday, so we decided not to ski on Monday. I suggested we go get some soup, or I could bring her soup and watch a TV series that we had begun (keep in mind that I hadn't seen her in a week at this point) and the response was short and not that encouraging. She called me later, and the conversation was normal and pleasant, until everything came crashing down -- I asked her if she wanted to grab a bite or if I could bring her some soup and meds, and the response was "So, I wanted to talk to you...I...I...don't think we should continue dating". That hit me like a ton of bricks -- I was completely caught off guard and dumbfounded -- my heart dropped to my stomach, and she immediately began to explain. She said that hanging out once a week only wasn't enough, and that it just wasn't working because of different plans and commitments, and she can't give me what I deserve or commit enough time to build a real relationship. She went on to explain how fond she is of me, and that I didn't do anything wrong. My mind was spinning, and I didn't know what to say. I asked her why she didn't just include me in more things with her friends, or sacrifice her schedule a little bit so we could see each other more than once a week since she seemed so eager to be close to me, and the response didn't make enough sense for me to even remember. It sounded like she didn't feel comfortable with that, and she couldn't quite put her finger on the reason. I guess she just liked her freedom with her friends.
I was so blindsided, confused, and angry -- I didn't know what to say really. A thousand comments and questions ran through my head, but they all sounded desperate and not thought out. I think I said "Wow, well, I don't know what to say...", and then told her to take care and hung up fairly quickly.
I think the bottom line might just be that I was willing to make myself available to her much more than she was willing to for me, and that disconnect created some type of "value discrepancy" or something. It's not as if I was initiating more than she was though, or that I made some big mistake by telling her that I loved her, talking about meeting each others families, or buying her gifts. And while it might seem as if I was just more into her than she was into me, I can't explain how affectionate she was towards me, and that she would initiate a lot of our interactions and plans. She seemed genuinely smitten with me.
It's been 3 days since that call, and there's been no communication. It feels beyond strange that it ended so abruptly, and unfair that I didn't get a chance to think of anything to say or react in a way that I'm comfortable with.
The transition doesn't make any sense to me - in less than a week she went from being more affectionate and eager to hang out than ever, suggesting future trips, and really beginning to feel like a serious girlfriend, to just completely cutting the cord with very little warning. It seemed like we both recognized potential, and were beginning to take off, and I just can't rationalize what happened. The last time I saw her she just wanted to hold hands and kiss the entire time. There are things I want to say to her, such as point out the fact that we were on the path to seeing each other more than once a week, but she got sick that week and was just going to sleep at 7pm every night that week (trust me, she's not the kind of girl who expected me to race over to take care of her when she's sick).
I guess my options are:
1) to call or text her and just explain that I was caught off guard, am not comfortable with the way that conversation went, and am looking for closure, or a chance to work it out, and get things of my chest that I couldn't during the phone call because I was so distraught in the moment
Or 2) Don't initiate contact with her, and see if she contacts me, then respond if it makes sense to.
Part of wants to flex my self-esteem to say "screw her, the way this all happened was messed up. I don't stand for this crap in my life, and I have no problem weeding these people out. In that moment my gut reaction was to accept what she said without much pushback, because that's her decision and her stupid mistake", and leave it at that.
But the truth is that I just wish that phone call didn't happen, and that we were still going on the same path we were on. I was thrilled to be spending time with her, it was the happiest I've probably ever been. My family even commented on it over the Holidays - it was palpable and infectious to others. And Now my worlds gone dark. I just walk around bitter all day, trying to hide it, and not take it out on other people.
Does the successful go-getter fight to get her back if that's what he wants, or at least try and get some closure/comments off his chest to feel better about what happened? Or does he find a way to brush it off, realize that it doesn't really matter what clarification she has to say at this point, the bottom line is she said "I don't think we should continue dating", and realize that people who don't recognize your value don't deserve a spot in your life?
Any thoughts would be much appreciated. Any overly opinionated, or crude remarks should be kept to yourself please!
This is probably like many other posts and experiences, and I just need to suck it up and move on, but I'm pretty torn up over a relationship that appears to have just ended, and can't figure out how to move on. It's consuming my every thought and I'm just really disappointed.
Background: (sorry this is so long-winded, but I feel like the genesis of the relationship and some details are important).
I was dating a 25 year old (mature for her age) girl for 2.5 months. I'm 30 (but look like I'm 25 I've been told -- and she didn't find this age gap to be an issue at all). I had my eye on her for a long time before asking her out, and the interest only increased after our first date. We clicked, she was smart, funny, and really sweet. I've dated a good amount of desirable girls, but this one really seemed perfect for me. We had similar interests, there seemed to be mutual attraction, and I really wanted it to work out. Knowing how eager I was, I knew that I had to make a conscious effort to take it slow, and not come on too strong. She seemed really wholesome, and the type to take it slow. She also had a very busy social life. She initiated the 2nd date before the 1st date was even over, and we began texting a decent amount.
We went on 3 more dates over the next 3 weeks. She would only make herself available once a week, on weeknights only, during this time. The 3rd and 4th dates ended with long, sensual kisses, and plans to see each other soon. Then Thanksgiving came, and we both had plans to travel home. We texted a few times over that week, and when we got back home I invited her over for dinner and to hang out. She was really affectionate the entire night, and we had a very PG hookup on the couch, but it lasted a long time. There was one more date, which went well, right before we again started traveling in different directions for long Christmas breaks. She suggested that I meet her in Denver over Christmas where she had long ago planned a skiing trip with friends. I also had a friend in Denver, and love to ski there, so I did it (this may have been a mistake - to fly across the country at her suggestion after dating for less than 2 months). Well, I didn't see much of her in Colorado -- she was focused on spending time with her friends from her Fulbright program overseas, who now lived all over the world and didn't see each other often. Trying to coordinate with everyone was tricky (the ski slopes were hours apart, they ended up staying in Boulder, and only 2 of us had cars). She was apologetic about it, but not really eager to ensure that we spent time together in Colorado. I played it cool for the most part, since I knew we lived close to each other and could see each other any time once we got home. I only hung out with her and her friends twice. They were doing nerdy things like potlucks and going to art shows, but we all had a great time and really clicked.
When we got back home, she initiated the next hang out, on a Thursday night. Then on Thursday, she called me during the day to say that she completely forgot that she had RSVP'd to go to something involving her ex-coworkers. She apologized, and suggested that we just do something on Friday night. On Friday I went to her place for the first time where her roommates and friends were having a big feast. It was great, and then just the 2 of us went to a movie at her suggestion. She was really affectionate the entire night, and I was thinking she would invite me to spend the night. She didn't because she had to get up early for a volunteer breakfast, and her friend from out of town was picking her up early (I think she was worried about how it would look to people close to her, who had only met me once, if I was there in the morning). But there was a lot of kissing and heavy petting to end the night. We each had separate plans for the rest of the weekend, but texted a lot, and on Sunday she called me and completely opened up her calendar to me. She wanted to hang out several times that week, and discussed a few overnight trips she wanted to take with me, as well a day trip that weekend. Things finally looked they were really about to take off.
Then she got pretty sick, and we scrapped plans during the week, but still texted or talked every day. Friday night she had her company holiday party, which she attended briefly, and Saturday she reluctantly went to a concert with friends. I was a little annoyed that she didn't invite me to the concert -- there were tickets still available, and I was never told about it until that day. I didn't react at all, but this seemed strange to me, but I figured its healthy to not plan everything together, and we had made plans to hang out 4 times that week. She had pushed herself to go to the holiday event and the concert, and she was sick again on Sunday. It was bitterly cold, with no new snow on Monday, so we decided not to ski on Monday. I suggested we go get some soup, or I could bring her soup and watch a TV series that we had begun, and the response was short and not that encouraging. She called me later, and the conversation was pretty normal and pleasant, until everything came crashing down -- I asked her if she wanted to grab a bite or if I could bring her some soup and meds, and the response was "So, I wanted to talk to you...I...I...don't think we should continue dating". That hit me like a ton of bricks -- I was completely caught off guard and dumbfounded -- my heart dropped to my stomach, and she immediately began to explain. She said that hanging out once a week only wasn't enough, and that it just wasn't working because of different plans and commitments, and she can't give me what I deserve or commit enough time to build a real relationship. She went on to explain how fond she is of me, and that I didn't do anything wrong. My mind was spinning, and I didn't know what to say. I asked her why she didn't just include me in more things with her friends, or sacrifice her schedule a little bit so we could see each other more than once a week since she seemed so eager to be close to me, and the response didn't make enough sense for me to even remember. It sounded like she didn't feel comfortable with that, and she couldn't quite put her finger on the reason. I guess she just liked her freedom with her friends.
I was so blindsided, confused, and angry -- I didn't know what to say really. A thousand comments and questions ran through my head, but they all sounded desperate and not thought out. I think I said "Wow, well, I don't know what to say...", and then told her to take care and hung up fairly quickly.
I think the bottom line might just be that I was willing to make myself available to her much more than she was willing to for me, and that disconnect created some type of "value discrepancy" or something. It's not as if I was initiating more than she was though, or that I made some big mistake by telling her that I loved her, talking about meeting each others families, or buying her gifts. And while it might seem as if I was just more into her than she was into me, I can't explain how affectionate she was towards me, and that she would initiate a lot of our interactions and plans. She seemed genuinely smitten with me.
It's been 3 days since that call, and there's been no communication. It feels beyond strange that it ended so abruptly, and unfair that I didn't get a chance to think of anything to say or react in a way that I'm comfortable with.
The transition doesn't make any sense to me - in less than a week she went from being more affectionate and eager to hang out than ever, suggesting future trips, and really beginning to feel like a serious girlfriend, to just completely cutting the cord with very little warning. It seemed like we both recognized potential, and were beginning to take off, and I just can't rationalize what happened. I've never felt this upset before -- it's consuming me, and it really sucks.
I guess my options are 1) to call or text her and just explain that I was caught off guard, am not comfortable with the way that conversation went, and am looking for closure, or a chance to work it out. Or 2) Don't initiate contact with her, and see if she contacts me, then respond if it makes sense to.
Part of wants to flex my self-esteem to say "screw her, the way this all happened was messed up. I don't stand for this crap in my life, and I have no problem weeding these people out. I accepted what she said without much pushback, because that's her decision and her stupid mistake", and leave it at that. But the truth is that I just wish that phone call didn't happen, and that we were still going on the same path we were on.
Does the successful go-getter fight to get her back if that's what he wants, or at least try and get some closure to feel better about what happened? Or does he find a way to brush it off and realize that people who don't recognize your value don't deserve a spot in your life?
Thanks
I don't think you should try the "go-getter" route. DO NOT contact her again.
Honestly? Since her replies didn't really make sense, I think she was having some problems with overall attraction and emotional intimacy. It really sounds like she was TRYING to feel it but deep down just wasn't THAT into you romantically but didn't want to hurt your feelings by admitting this.
It doesn't help your ego, but probably nothing will. We aren't meant to spend forever with every person we meet who looks like a match on paper. It doesn't mean she doesn't "recognize your value." That just sounds like sour grapes.
It just means you aren't a match. People are allowed to change their minds.
Who knows? Maybe she had also been dating another guy (those outings with "friends") and he asked her to be exclusive and she said yes? Maybe she got diagnosed with an STD? Maybe she succumbed to peer pressure from friends who didn't think you were her type? Maybe she got scared of getting too close and ran? I'd wait a week and then call to ask if she still feels the same way. If she says yes or doesn't answer or return the call, move on.
I usually find relationships where you're left feeling blindsided, are the most difficult to get over. I don't think any amount of explanation will help you to get closure as you will just analyse whatever's said and drive yourself insane in the process.
It's only been a few days, so allow yourself to grieve and accept that she has made her choice. If it ended because you were too available, then begging her to come back will only make her pity you & turn her off even further. Maybe she just likes having fun with her friends for now. It certainly doesn't sound like she was making you a priority. It's easy to have a relationship via text, but actions speak louder than words.
Give yourself some tlc. It might not be about you at all. Spend time with people you love, etc and chalk it down to experience.
Thanks to those who wrote helpful replies. Sorry for the verbose write out, I guess part of that process felt therapeutic for me. After re-reading it I see that maaaybe I should have tried to be more succinct in a few places. Thanks again
Definitely do not contact her. And, even if she contacts you, if I were you I would question whether you want her back anyway. She's already broken up with you, and if you get back together there's a good chance she's going to break up with you again. Don't let her walk all over you.
Last edited by The Big Lebowski Dude; 01-20-2016 at 11:01 PM..
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