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Drop kick him to the curb.
You will never find happiness with this guy based on your tale of 5 years.
It hasn't improved in that timeframe.
What makes you think another 5, 10, 15, 20.....years will be different?
You need to get out of love with this guy, and break the engagement. You should not be chaining yourself for life to a dude like this. Violence, threats, public drunkenness, attempts to control, cussing at you--this isn't what love is about. There are mellower options out there. And btw, they always apologize and beg to be taken back. He won't change, no matter how much counseling. Don't fall for the begging or pleading act.
This is the only thing I could think of to indicate to you what you are dealing with~ At least you are acknowledging the fact your are heading into a HUGE problem IF you marry this guy!
I never understand why some people feel they need to have another relationship lined up before ending a violent, horrible relationship.
Distaste for finding themselves alone. It's terrifying for some people, particularly those whose concept of self-worth has been shredded in an abusive relationship, and may have bought into the message that they are too inferior, worthless, absent the capabilities, etc. to survive alone.
first, keep your intimate life off of public forums and this particular forum happens to be PG13 not sex therapy 101 and no one really cares about your sexual kinks.
I have been with my fiance for 5 years, turning 24 and we recently got engaged on New Years. I will go back a bit, so it is understood why I am feeling this way. Our relationship wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. I love him deeply and felt that I always wanted to try to make things work. There were many things that happened but I will go to last year around July when my fiance and I went out to a bar and were dancing. He was really drunk to the point of being belligerent and grabbing my arm, cussing loudly in public, and threatened me to drive home drunk. I drove home drunken, but made it safely home with him. (We live together).
After this happened I attempted to break up with him and move all my stuff out. He eased his way back to me and begging me to stay. He then said he would take on anger management to keep me. He did just that and went to a counselor and he was fine... for a while.
Fast forward to after the engagement to last weekend. We were playing videos games casually online and I said thank you to another player (who happened to be a guy) who helped in this mission. This guy didn't even talk to me at all and my bf spazzes out and got jealous over this. As I am saying what he is doing is childish, he tells me "F you". I was shocked since this literally felt like it came out of nowhere. I got drunk later that day since I was upset and didn't speak to my fiance. That whole time, he never apologized, but instead was annoying me a lot. To the point where he got in my face though I told him to please leave me alone repeatedly. Out of rage, I slapped him when he didn't stop. We ended up wrestling each other and he held me against the wall because he wanted to control me from doing anything else physically. He also held me in this maneuver where both of his arms were on my neck as if he was choking me. This was after I threw a coaster at him. I know what I did was wrong, but I was so enraged by his lack of care and jealousy towards me the whole day.
Off and on during this time because of loneliness and my uncertainties about my fiance, I had a online relationship with someone. I will call him J. Only 1 conversation was sexual (last year before being engaged). I ended that quickly, but we kept talking as friends. Even when I was trying to leave my fiance (after the bar incident), he offered to help by getting me a job and a place to stay. I declined since he lives states away. Besides that, we talked online back and forth for months. Even Skyping once and realizing we were telling the truth about each other. I kinda started to feel that I was gaining feelings for him though the words and seeing his face. I told him about the first incident at the bar and he said "Good you don't need him anyway." After I got back with my fiance when I told him he would take anger management, he kind of distanced himself and got with his girlfriend. I wasn't mad at this since I was in my own situation anyway.
However, the thing is after this recent fight my fiance and I had, I started to think about J again. Just to spend time with him in person and having sex. I know he has a gf so I am not pushing anything. Just confused as to why this guy that I never met has such a strong emotional hold. Last night, my fiance gave me oral sex and I was feeling good when I was thinking about J and I having kinky sex. As we had sex covered in oil that was mixed with food coloring. My thoughts of this lead me to an awesome climax but afterwards, I felt guilty since in reality, I am with my fiance and not J.
Basically, I want opinions/advice for this situation. Sometimes, I love my fiance dearly, but incidents like this is what makes me question my sanity and my love for him. Are my feelings towards J real or just lustful? This is how confused I really feel. There are other issues going on in my life with my grandmother being ill along with family dysfunction. Just feels like this is one huge hurdle.
Sounds like it's time to roll it up (and this is advice I wish I had told myself a couple decades ago).
In my case my then GF, soon to be fiancee, eventual wife, struck me out of the blue just because I said something slightly awkward (it was not even any sort of angry utterance ... lame? ... perhaps ... but who hits someone for simply being lame?).
If I had to name a specific red flag, that first incident was it.
We humans are wonderful at denying things which would cause us to undertake uncomfortable decisions where the person affected may collapse in tears. But simply because an abuser is also capable of collapsing in tears, I will say this ... being an abuser is not something that can be corrected very easily. It would take years and years of difficult therapy and reform and even then, success may be elusive.
first, keep your intimate life off of public forums and this particular forum happens to be PG13 not sex therapy 101 and no one really cares about your sexual kinks.
Thank you. Why do people feel the need to post this sort of crap here?
Head to a different forum if that is what you are into.
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