Question for women in relationships with men

[In2itive_1]

Originally Posted by ellie

My husband is a good listener.

Yay.. someone got lucky! Actually, I have remained close friends with a guy who was once a boyfriend some years ago. Though we both listen, I think he listens to me more often, which I am grateful for. When we lived together, I would discuss work, which surely became tiring and appears more patient today, overall. I think it is common for many men to "not want to hear details" (however, I recall a female friend who would say "AND???"). Another boyfriend I was with for a while was not so supportive. I recall a time when crying while we sat in his car (I don't remember why, maybe just being peri-menopausal), and he just sat there.. ugh.. but I don't think he was always that way.

It seems I was mostly with men who ultimately lacked maturity. I was not interested in older men, yet that doesn't mean an older person is necessarily "mature". I've wondered if this attraction had to do with liking humor and playfulness a lot, traits my father possessed (though he was not juvenile, being a supportive, hard-working adult parent).

To mention, I have read how, based upon our "birth status" of being an only child, youngest, middle or eldest, we can be attracted to another with certain traits as adults. For instance, a "youngest" born might be drawn to an "eldest" born, due to a naturally more-supportive demeanor. (I am the youngest born, but still liked a youthful demeanor in another, not one who might appear stern or stiff).

Now, the man I mentioned knowing for years, was always a more balanced adult male, having been the 2nd born in his family of five, helping out with the other kids and household, though had challenges within his family. The other guy mentioned was actually the eldest born, but had not been raised well, causing him problems, but was quite intelligent. (I think focusing upon those making me laugh and being charismatic, I would initially bypass some valuable traits).

So, I don't know if, combined with other reasons for attraction, this study is true or an aspect to be considered. (This is why discussions dwelling on "immediate sex" is bothersome, because though physical chemistry may exist, knowing others and ourselves is complex and is what "makes it or breaks it", seemingly not focused upon).

Sorry I got a little sidetracked.

[moxiegal]

Great thread topic! This could be in Psychology as well as the Mental Health threads.
I am all ears (well, eyes) on this. Communication is basically one way with my husband and myself. I communicate. His eyes glaze over.
When we were dating, we talked and communicated about all sorts of topics. But now, I don't get much communication from him at all. Even when I straight out ask for it. I can talk myself blue in the face, or say nothing at all. It is like I am here by myself most days. Which gets lonely. Even with him sitting right here beside me at the table.
He is just not a communicator. Well, with his men at work, he is great. With women, not so much.

[Just A Guy]

Originally Posted by moxiegal

Great thread topic! This could be in Psychology as well as the Mental Health threads.
I am all ears (well, eyes) on this. Communication is basically one way with my husband and myself. I communicate. His eyes glaze over.
When we were dating, we talked and communicated about all sorts of topics. But now, I don't get much communication from him at all. Even when I straight out ask for it. I can talk myself blue in the face, or say nothing at all. It is like I am here by myself most days. Which gets lonely. Even with him sitting right here beside me at the table.
He is just not a communicator. Well, with his men at work, he is great. With women, not so much.

It's not that he's not a decent communicator (after all he communicated with you fine when you were dating), it's just that he doesn't care enough to communicate with you anymore.

[strawberrykiki]

It's definitely a problem if you have something serious on your mind and he zones out. My boyfriend and I have talked in depth about our childhoods, past relationships, etc. I definitely feel close to him and if I have a problem or need to vent (depending on what it is) he is usually the first person I go to. BUT, I find the support I get from him is different sometimes than what I get from my girlfriends or my mom. Sometimes I just want to complain/vent/get things off my chest and I feel better doing that with my girlfriends. Other women get sometimes you just need to get things off your chest, you're not looking for advice, or a solution to what you're complaining about. My boyfriend is more practical. If I have a problem, he wants to offer practical solutions, he doesn't always understand it's really the act of complaining in itself that is what I want.

I'm not sure if that makes any sense. If your husband zones out while you relay everything that happened to you at work all day that's one thing. If he zones out on really important issues and when you truly need his support, then that's a problem.

[torontocheeka]

Perhaps on a macro level yes, but there are certainly exceptions. Your husband sounds like my ex-bf, who would drink and then ramble on, but whose eyes would glaze over when I would get in chatty mode.

My current significant other loves to hear me ramble, listens attentively (sometimes I'll think he's not listening but then he'll recall something I said when I didn't think he was really paying attention) and has even told me that he likes that I talk too much, lol. I guess maybe it has something to do with the fact that he's had non-reciprocal relationships with women who expected him to do all the verbal heavy-lifting, he finds my talkativeness refreshing.

So I would say that it's probably normal but if he cares about you, he should make it a priority when you communicate how his behaviour annoys you. From what I read, you haven't done that yet.

[rego00123]

Sometimes you just have to get or the point and leave the details until last....or know when to cut yourself off and get to where you where heading to reinvigorate your conversation.

I will glaze over if someone starts to ramble to me, it's not intentional and it's not that I am not listening...its just that I have no connection to what they are talking about just a connection to the person talking about them.

Everyone's attention span will differ, you need to consider this and not try and uphold everyone to what YOU want them to accommodate.

It's important to not go in to these things expecting responses you may want or holding the other people towards the things you talk about on the same level of influence they have on you.