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Read the book "He's Just Not That Into You ". It will tell you everything you need to know about this guy.
That's exactly what I was thinking. Kristen you need it. You are making every excuse under the sun for this loser and completely ignoring the most obvious red flags.
Do NOT have a strictly physical relationship with this douche bag. You are going to end up catching feelings and he is going to dump you as soon as something better comes along. I don't know why we are wasting out keystrokes on this. You are not listening. You are going to do what you want to do anyway. Go ahead and do it and get your feelings hurt if you want to. Don't say we didn't warn you.
And that's not all she might catch.
Loser w/DUI, about to be kicked out of the military, looking for FWB, likes to randomly have sex with girls after one week, then disappear...
Yeah, NO chance of an STD here.
If you do decide to lower yourself even further and do this thing, Kristen, for God's sake, I beg you. Condom. Every time. Every. Time. Full. Stop.
And no, I don't mean "just put it in for a second" as previously, then put on the condom...or anything like that. I'm talking: Don't enter this guy's room without holding a condom out to him: "I'll step three steps further in when I see you put this on."
But I offered this type of relationship to him as a joke over a week ago and he said no and looked at me like I lost my mind. And then a week later he says he wants it? Took him a week to decide?
I don't get why he keeps dissapearing. If you're interested in someone sexually and want to 'get with them' do you not at least keep in touch to let them know you're semi interested?
I can't tell if his lack of communication is due to his army history and that's just how he is, or if it's because of who he is.
I know some army guys lack communication skills but he could be doing it because he doesn't care as well. It's just weird. If he were to get in any type of FWB relationship with anyone there has to be some type of communication there, imean you can't just go weeks without talking to the person. And like tonight, we were mid conversation and he just stopped talking. It happens all the time.
I don't know if that's just how he is because he's a dbag or if his communication sucks due to getting used to lack of communication with everyone during deployment and everything else he had to go through.
It's also weird that he seems only semi interested. I figure you're either interested or you're not... But I guess not with this guy. His magical reappearing trick is so odd. With every other idiot guy I gave a chance to they just stopped talking to me forever.. In a way it would be a lot easier if he just got another girl for this and told me we would never speak again.
You dont get it, and I dont think you ever will. Its just sex to him. He just wants sex. With you, or someother person, it doesnt matter to him. He's not going to work hard for sex with you, because its not that important to him. He just needs a warm body, and you are signing up for that.
Also realize if you are stupid enough to do this, that you are also sleeping with every sleezebag that he sleeps with. Keep your antibiotics handy.
I have another update!
So after a week of not talking after the last encounter with him, I woke up to a text this morning and it said this:
'Okay
I'm down to have a full on physical type relationship with you.
No emotions, just physical. If you want'
I sensed that this was what he wanted all along and I was just glad he finally admitted it instead of pretending like he cared. I went out of town with my friends this weekend and honestly I met so many guys who genuinely liked me that I didn't even think about this one. I realized I'm worth more than the way he's treating me and a lot of people would treat me better and actually give me what I want out of a real relationship.
When he texted me this morning, I honestly wasn't excited to hear from him, my heart didn't skip beats...because I know he doesn't care.
My thing now is.... I think having this type of relationship would be something to consider, or it might be the dumbest thing ever. The only thing I would worry about is possible pregnancy but if everything was safe, I don't think there would be much to worry about?
Has anyone ever had this type of relationship before and is it ever a good idea?
WOW. Yuck. Look, there is nothing wrong with a purely physical relationship between two consenting adults when there is mutual respect and neither has feelings for the other. That is clearly not the case here. That text was SO disrespectful and gross. You have said repeatedly that you have deep feelings for this loser. To actually engage in this is going to be the worst thing you can do for yourself...and when you eventually slink away with the shreds of your self-respect in tatters, you will deeply regret it. I can't believe anyone would even consider signing up for this.
As an aside, throughout this thread you have made excuses for him because he's in the military. Being in the military isn't a free pass for being an a$$hole.
After reading all your posts, I think I've decided to not go through with it.
We had plans to hang out tomorrow (hook up) but I think I might tell him I can't do it. It's just hard for me because I'm so attracted to him and based on what I've felt, he would be a really good person to just have sex with.
But I don't think it's worth it. I'm afraid if I tell myself I'll only do it once then I'll just want more from him physically, and he won't be avaliable.
I'm just worried I won't find someoneim that attracted to ever again.
I have to go to base tomorrow anyways (I'm seeing another friend there) and I have half a mind to meet up with him and tell him off..
This kind of relationship is so normal now that it almost makes me feel weird for turning it down. Imean everybody says not to do it, ect but how many people are doing this? Tons. And nobody looks down on them for doing it. I would guess a lot of people do it just for the experience.
I know there are good guys out there but I've been hurt so much that I feel like a relationship of this type is my only option, for me to get anything physically that I want. What I mean is, I don't think anyone will ever truly invest in me anyways so I've seen it as why not?
If I end up doing it, he probably won't ever talk to me again after he gets what he wants. On the other hand if I don't do it, I'll never know what the experience is like.
This is all a far cry from him wanting an exclusive relationship just a few weeks ago. I wonder what's wrong with me that he only views me as hookup material. I never portrayed myself that way. I'm sure he wants a relationship, he posts about it on Facebook all the time.
I could never date him at this point, but I still don't understand why he didn't pursue a relationship with me if that's what he's been after. I'm a good person, I would have done anything for him, I had morals that he needed in his life, I could have been a good example for him and helped him get his life together.... Why would he only want me for sexual reasons when I made it known over and over I had so much more to offer him than that?
I think I'm leaning towards giving him a piece of my mind and telling him that one day, he'll wish he had someone like me.
This is all a far cry from him wanting an exclusive relationship just a few weeks ago. I wonder what's wrong with me that he only views me as hookup material. I never portrayed myself that way. I'm sure he wants a relationship, he posts about it on Facebook all the time.
I could never date him at this point, but I still don't understand why he didn't pursue a relationship with me if that's what he's been after. I'm a good person, I would have done anything for him, I had morals that he needed in his life, I could have been a good example for him and helped him get his life together.... Why would he only want me for sexual reasons when I made it known over and over I had so much more to offer him than that?
I think I'm leaning towards giving him a piece of my mind and telling him that one day, he'll wish he had someone like me.
But if you're so good, why do you think dating losers is the only thing you can get? If you feel you're such a catch, you wouldn't be fixated on men who use you, and trying to stay with them because you feel it's all you'll get.
And far as being good for this guy, he may not care about that. He clearly sees nothing wrong with his lifestyle, otherwise he'd be trying to fix it himself. He's not a baby. If he has no desire to change, then you can be sure he doesn't care about some woman trying to come into his life to "cure" him. He wasn't looking for you to be his savior, or his mother. So you wanting to be those things means nothing.
And again, he may want a relationship. But he may want one with a more confident woman who isn't easily seduced and used by men, which you seem to be - and told him. Then when you meet, you say no to sex, then end up having sex with him, with no protection, after he fed you some lines. You probably come off as a huge pushover to guys, and that's why they settle for using you rather than taking you seriously. Many men probably don't want gullible women that are quick to believe any pretty word a guy tells them. And even less respect when that same one obsesses over users, and try to cater to them to prove what a catch she is. You may reek of low self-esteem and someone who needs validation. And usually that may be a turn off for a good few people. Some very attractive and decent women will get used by lowdown men simply because their self-esteem is so low they allow it because they're desperate for male attention.
Also, this guy may have met some other women since you that he's interested in. You're just 1 of his options and hookups. Chances are, he's not only seeing you.
Again, if you wanna have a casual relationship you can. Nobody on the thread every spoke ill of casual sex. But people are warning you that some people can't handle such a relationship and they end up getting attached. or were just trying to use sex as a way to get with the person and hope they come to want a relationship with them.
If you have a casual sex affair, be sure not to read more into than it is. meaning, don't expect the guy to act like your boyfriend just because you're sleeping with him. And realize he may blow you off, and still sleep around with other women. Not all men act like jerks with casual relationships. But this guy seems like one who is not going to give you any respect nor consideration if you are not his girlfriend.
Last edited by HappyRain; 03-25-2016 at 11:56 PM..
So because I've semi hooked up with him, he suddenly changed is mind and decided I wasn't dating material?.
Sex is normal. A lot of people do it on the first date. And he acted like it was weird that we hadn't done it since we liked each other. So if he was looking for me to hold out on doing anything, he never made it seem that way. Things happened and I went with it.
I never wanted to come in and save him... But once I started to know him, I cared and wanted to be there for him. There's been times where I've needed help and I didn't realize it until someone offered it to me. I just want more for him than he even wants for himself, and that's sad. It's sad that he would choose this type of relationship instead of something meaningful with a person he had such a physical and mebtal connection with. It baffles me. It could have been something worthwhile if he had let it.
It's just upsetting to me that I can't understand why he changed his mind about what he wants with me, when I didn't change anything I did. I was always the same person...
So when I tell him off tomorrow, he's going to respect me?
If he sees me as undateable because of a semi hookup then that wouldn't make sense? He takes pride in his a*****e personality. He told me last night that I love it. I don't. But I guess he thinks that's what people want, which is interesting because he didn't start out acting that way. He presented himself as a person with actual feelings, looking for more.
If he ends up getting a girlfriend down the road, I just wonder what he would see in her that I wouldn't have been able to give him, besides more sex. I would have done anything for him. I saw his potential from the beginning, but I never wanted to be his savior. I just believed in him.
If I didn't reply to him, I would have lost him. If I made myself seem to eager by coming over when he invited me, I would have seemed uninterested. It's like I can't win. I was trying to do the right thing, at the same time I liked him.
I guess I just can't understand why he would prefer to use me instead of choosing to get what he's been wanting for so long... A good person who would be there for him, and have his best interests....
So, men don't want you to be easy but they don't want you to be prude either. I guess this is the part where I peace out of his life, wish him the best and walk away?
I was just trying to do the right thing in all the situations. He really must not have much of a heart, because I don't see how someone could view a person this way, who has only ever cared and stood by them... For him to say I'm not good enough to care for but good enough to maybe hookup occasionally with....
Makes you feel like no matter what you do, it's worthless because you can't change what someone wants from you or how they see you.
So because I've semi hooked up with him, he suddenly changed is mind and decided I wasn't dating material?
I honestly think it's not sex that makes guys lose respect for you. it's how desperate you seem. Since you have a history of being used by men. So there's something you need to fix about yourself.
So, either you're drawn to jerks.
Or you are a jerk-magnet, which means something about you is bringing them in, but not the decent men.
Because this thread mirrors your last one. Guy starts out promising to want serious, now he's backtracking to tell you that he only wants you for a hookup. And you're worried you won't ever be as attracted to anyone else again.
You need to find out why you are constantly repeating these patterns. And change it. It's called insanity when someone keeps doing the same things again and again, expecting something to magically be different.
Quote:
If he sees me as undateable because of a semi hookup then that wouldn't make sense? He takes pride in his a*****e personality. He told me last night that I love it. I don't. But I guess he thinks that's what people want, which is interesting because he didn't start out acting that way. He presented himself as a person with actual feelings, looking for more.
Big clue here. Apparently he now sees you as a woman that likes jerks, and men who treat you off-handedly. So he just admitted his whole thing there. he sees you as a pushover girl that flocks to jerk men, and that you must like it since you stick around and try getting them to like you, and he's not the first jerk you've been with and obsessed over. He assume you're cool with his jerkish behavior because you're still talking to him, and planning to hookup with him.
So here, he's just admitted he finds you a pathetic girl who likes ******* men. And you gave him that clue the 1st night you 2 hooked up. So he probably proceeded and told you what you wanted to hear for a bit, and now he's seen what you put up with. You invite him to church Sun. He ignores you the entire day. You'll text him, and he can blow you off and still you talk to him anyhow and plan to hook up again. Far as he's concerned, you are showing him he can disrespect you, and still have you hooked on him. Why would anyone respect someone they an disrespect and run-over? They don't. But using you is fine. Until they find someone better with more backbone. Women aren't the only ones who like confidence. Men love confident women as well, which you don't seem to be.
Sex is not your issue. It's not about being easy, or a prude. It's your low self-esteem, and willingness to put up with any kind of treatment because you're desperate for male attention. And hell, if a man wants to get married one day and have kids, he's probably not gonna want a woman like that raising his daughter where she picks up her mother's desperation and gets used and abused by jerks as well. Mommy's probably not going to give her the best advice when it comes to men sine she does nothing but date, and cater to, bad men.
This guy probably doesn't think people like jerks. He just figures you do. And you're not proving him wrong, since you're still sprung on him and wanting to hook up. So, as someone, possibly JerZ stated before, this guy doesn't have to do much. Because he knows you'll come to him.
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If he ends up getting a girlfriend down the road, I just wonder what he would see in her that I wouldn't have been able to give him, besides more sex. I would have done anything for him. I saw his potential from the beginning, but I never wanted to be his savior. I just believed in him.
It's not about giving people stuff. You either have feelings for people, or you don't. For one reason or another. Just because someone is willing to do anything for you doesn't mean you will love them. Feelings can not be controlled, and sometimes you just don't love certain people. it doesn't matter what they do.
And you need to learn that. Just because you're willing to cater to men and give them whatever they want is not all it takes for love. Sometimes you do wonder "What does she have that I didn't?" But there's no point trying to rack your brain.
Maybe she's better in bed.
Maybe she's hotter.
Maybe she shares more of his beliefs.
Maybe she's more confident.
Maybe she shares more of his interests.
Maybe he loves her hair color.
Maybe she's an atheist.
Etc.
There is no formula. people just like what they like. And if they aren't interested, you won't make them be interested.
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I was just trying to do the right thing in all the situations. He really must not have much of a heart, because I don't see how someone could view a person this way, who has only ever cared and stood by them... For him to say I'm not good enough to care for but good enough to maybe hookup occasionally with....
Makes you feel like no matter what you do, it's worthless because you can't change what someone wants from you or how they see you.
Of course. Most adults know that. Being a people-pleaser gets you nothing, except used. There's the saying "Nobody likes a kiss-ass." And it's true. people will milk a kiss-ass for all they're worth, but most don't respect people with no backbone who try to live their life pleasing other people, and putting up with disrespect because they just want everyone to like them.
Last edited by HappyRain; 03-26-2016 at 02:05 AM..
We're telling you don't do it because you're only going to hurt yourself in the end.
You can try to convince yourself sex is all you want, but deep down you want more than that. You're just fooling yourself, and you're playing right into it simply because you're afraid of not finding anyone else. I'm sorry but that's really sad.
You'll go to the base to tell him off, and you'll have sex with him. The process will start all over again. The end.
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