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I've been married to my husband for 29 years. It seems like from the beginning something has been missing. I've had one foot out the door a few times and 3 years ago finally got him to go to counseling. I love the person he is and he is a good person but not sure I'm in love with him. Is there a difference?
You chose to marry a man and stay with him for 29 years, but state from the beginning that "something has been missing?"
Sigh...
I just don't get it.
And then you want to know if there is a difference between being in love and loving someone?
The answer is obvious. And what's more concerning is that you have already know it...presumably for 29 years or longer, but you want us to affirm it for you?!?
I've been married to my husband for 29 years. It seems like from the beginning something has been missing. I've had one foot out the door a few times and 3 years ago finally got him to go to counseling. I love the person he is and he is a good person but not sure I'm in love with him. Is there a difference?
Yeah. I married my now ex wife because we loved each other. Probably still do as people.
When I found out she was cheating, she said just what your post title is. The feeling was kinda mutual, I just never stepped out.
You can love many people, including relatives and friends, but being "in love" elevates one person above those.
It is what enables you to commit to and sustain a marriage with someone who has flaws, like we all have.
Unfortunately it sounds like you have managed to do the work - sustain a marriage - without the benefit of being in love, which makes that work pleasurable.
So ... It's natural that you've wanted to leave and, perhaps, flirted with others along the way???
You can work together on being "in love," if you both want to. Stay in counseling.
Thanks for your honest replies. I think, as moms, we get busy with daily living and raising the kids. Now that they're in their early 20's I'm able to reflect on what I want and need for a change. I've read that it was a cop-out to say you're not "in love" as if to say there's no difference. Love is a confusing thing and maybe just too elusive.
I loved my ex, but I don't think I was ever really in love with him. It's hard to remember now because things ended badly between us and he ultimately was the one who ended things. I wasn't happy either, but I didn't react by cheating. I just hoped for the best I suppose. I could really see us having stayed together, having kids, and just plodding along for the rest of our lives. Miserable. Now I am in a relationship with someone I am 100% in love with. It just feels different. Happy and right even when we annoy each other or disagree. So, yes I definitely believe there is a huge difference.
Location: Mableton, GA USA (NW Atlanta suburb, 4 miles OTP)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by strawberrykiki
I loved my ex, but I don't think I was ever really in love with him. It's hard to remember now because things ended badly between us and he ultimately was the one who ended things. I wasn't happy either, but I didn't react by cheating. I just hoped for the best I suppose. I could really see us having stayed together, having kids, and just plodding along for the rest of our lives. Miserable. Now I am in a relationship with someone I am 100% in love with. It just feels different. Happy and right even when we annoy each other or disagree. So, yes I definitely believe there is a huge difference.
I completely agree. I loved (and still love) my ex, but I was never head-over-heels totally in love with her like I've felt with a couple of other people in my life. But we worked as a couple, and I was happy with what we had. Just because it wasn't a fairy tale doesn't mean it wasn't good...
At the end, tho, we realized that we had to move on.
I think sometimes in a marriage, the couple tends to "be comfortable" with each other the way their lives are, so they continue day after day, year after year this way with no intentions in improving or spicing things up in the marriage. It becomes ho-hum and before you know it, 25 years have passed and your looking back and thinking, what the hell happened?
Any marriage takes a lot of work, and sometimes we have to step back and remember the reason we married this person to begin with. Was it for "comfort" or was it because you "loved" this person and wanted to spend the rest of your life with him/her?
I've been married to my husband for 29 years. It seems like from the beginning something has been missing. I've had one foot out the door a few times and 3 years ago finally got him to go to counseling. I love the person he is and he is a good person but not sure I'm in love with him. Is there a difference?
To love someone is to be committed to that person and to want the best for that person. To be in love from what I hear is to just have those trance-y feelings about someone and to look at that person in an idealized way. That ecstasy doesn't always last that long.
Now, the not being in love deal is not what is on my mind. I'm more concerned about the need for counseling...
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