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Why would you want to get back with him? He obviously isn't interested in you, or the relationship to try to keep things going despite whatever "issues" he was having and it's not like he contacted you saying he got his life together and he is begging for another chance. You're initiating. What do you think has changed?
I think the OP is probably looking for closure of some sort. I understand the feeling.
Then last week I was reading a thread about what people do when there is drama in a relationship, and I responded that I walk at the first sign of it. Then I realized that sounded cowardly, and started thinking that maybe I gave up too soon this time.
I guess you're the type who likes to rescue lost causes? This guy obviously has serious issues. The next time he has problems with his significant other, he will go AWOL on you again. Have fun.
Another example of dysfunction seeking dysfunction.
It would make a lot more sense to me to work on yourself and whatever issues you have so that you have more options with healthy guys who are actually available and ready to be in a relationship, not guys to flake because they have things going on in their lives
Why would you want to get back with him? He obviously isn't interested in you, or the relationship to try to keep things going despite whatever "issues" he was having and it's not like he contacted you saying he got his life together and he is begging for another chance. You're initiating. What do you think has changed?
I agree with strawberrykiki.
If this does turn out to be a relationship, it will be because you initiated and you pursued him this second time. I'm not so sure someone with whatever issues he has, is strong enough to be in a relationship again. His lack of contacting you several months later is a tell tale sign that he isn't ready..and if he is, then he's not ready for or in to you. Otherwise, he would have contacted you already. But he did not.
I met a guy in the fall I was really into and thought he was really into me. Great match. At Christmas he had some sort of emotional slump and stopped contacting me. I badgered him into responding to me, and all I got was "I'm going through something right now and I don't want to drag you down with me". I offered my support, in a couple of ways, but got no response, so I decided it was him, not me, and walked away. Beyond this emotional event (it was like he folded himself up and crawled in a cave) we had NO ISSUES, no problems. I figured he must have walked too far out of his comfort zone and I couldn't do much about that.
It took a while, but I felt I was recovered. Really had no interest in dating, went on a couple of first meets but, meh.
Then last week I was reading a thread about what people do when there is drama in a relationship, and I responded that I walk at the first sign of it. Then I realized that sounded cowardly, and started thinking that maybe I gave up too soon this time.
So I emailed him and asked if we could go out sometime. He said he didn't know why I would want to go out with him. We are meeting tonight.
I have NO IDEA what to say to him. I'll need to know what his deal was but I don't know how to ask any more than I did in December.
I'm a nervous wreck...I just want to see if getting back together is even an option,and if it is, I want him back.
I hope this is smart, and not stalkerish or cowardly.
I don't think it's cowardly, but I think it's ill advised. I think this guy is probably telling you who he is. He's telling you straight out that he's not in that place to have what you want.
I'm not being mean here, but you're doing the thing that men always ***** about with women, they try and change men. He just might not be what you want him to be.
if you guys had such a great connection, surely he must have felt it too, it probably scared him and he's recoiling back from it. This is sort of a text book situation in that respect. Maya Angelou said this "When someone shows you who they are you who they are believe them; the first time."
If you do get back together with him, I really wish you the best of luck. I hope it does work out.
Am I the only one whose first thought was he has another girlfriend? When a guy disappears around the holidays that's always the first thing I think. Girlfriend or wife. Got back together with one or the other.
OP you didn't give up too soon. You tried hard the first time, but he didn't bite. Now you are chasing this dude. Exactly how are you teaching him to treat you here? Like you'll always come running anxious to "save" him no matter how he acts towards you? Do you know how easy it is for him to take advantage of you in this scenario? All he has to do is act sad and you'll be willing to do what it takes to make him feel better. And he can disappear all he wants. Just leave dude alone.
I guess you're the type who likes to rescue lost causes? This guy obviously has serious issues. The next time he has problems with his significant other, he will go AWOL on you again. Have fun.
Two scenarios are most likely.
The nice and less crude one is is that they really did have a connection, and it truly scared him, his fear of getting hurt kicked in and made him pull back.
The less nice version is is that he's a dude that fakes "connections" with women and does the hit it and quit it routine.
Last edited by Chowhound; 03-18-2016 at 07:10 PM..
I think the OP is probably looking for closure of some sort. I understand the feeling.
Closure was definitely a need. It was likely he was thinking I broke up with him, when I was feeling like he broke up with me.
So anyway, he was glad to see me, we went out for a casual meal and got caught up on everyday stuff. Then back to my place, sat on the couch and talked. I kept it light, no tears or blame....but I asked a few questions that made him squirm a bit. He could not/would not explain what made him withdraw, and I didn't press it. So I bottom lined it and said I felt we had a good thing going on, and i may have bailed prematurely because I was scared/didn't understand what he needed. If we can improve communication, I would like to try again. He indicated he is interested, but he finally fessed up. He has a third date with a woman he likes, tonight....at a trampoline park....with her SON...and the son is really looking forward to it so he hates to cancel. What kind of woman takes her son on a third date? So I don't see that ending well for her.
I told him he has some decisions to make, have a good time at the trampoline park, and get back to me when he decides what he wants. Showed him the door. The ball is now in his court.
Over all, I feel like it was worth my time. If he wants to try again, I'm in (cautiously), but if he doesn't, I think I can get the closure I'll need.
And to the person who said dysfunction seeks dysfunction? Show me a 48+ year old man without dysfunction and I will show you a Married man. We are all dysfunctional. I've given up on functional. I've worked on my dysfunction endlessly and that does not make functional men appear on my doorstep. I know my needs and limits intimately. I'm just looking for someone whose dysfunction I can deal with.
Umm hello? This 48 year old just isn't into you...take the hint.
I really wish people would stop using "closure" as an excuse to test/see the person again...if someone goes missing for months you got your closure.
Don't chase people. Get chosen.
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