Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Hello, Please read this through before you make an opinion. I am desperate, sad, and depressed. I have been seeing a girl 200 miles away for 4 years. She is a wonderful woman not a cheat as some of you will say. She wants to leave her husband and us spend our lives together. She cannot leave her husband because of money and kids aged 9 and 12. I work here in CT and she works in NY State. Her children come first. Her husband is possesive and controlling. Threatens her with the children if she leaves. It is very hard to get a divorce In New York State. I hang on and hang on, but see no hope in site unless I am ready to wait a few more years. I am not young at 48. I love this woman so much. I feel so much pain and love in one. I get hurt easily and read into her words and thought to much at times. It is hard when two people say they are soul mates and one lives with someone else. To begin with I don't ant to leave as I would hurt her. I know I do not have her now, but the thoguht of ending all hope just destroys me inside and make me unfunctional. Thing is I am depressed more than happy. If I was giving advice I would say move on in more words. It is easier to give advice than follow it. PLEASE someone help I am tired of being sad and crying.
Thank You
If you are looking for someone to tell you to NOT move on, then from what I have read from different posters on here, you are on the wrong website. As a matter of fact, I don't think you are going to find too many people who will tell you to hang in there with her.
No matter how you spin it, cheating on a spouse is wrong and only brings heartache for those involved. I have had it done to me on more than one occasion and in each instance, I ended up getting out of the relationship. Although it did devastate me at the time, there were other people for me to meet, people who would not hurt me. I have, however NEVER cheated on a spouse while married...it is just not a good "character reference" if you get my drift.
If your lady friend has not left her husband in 4 years, then don't plan on it ever happening and move on. She has been playing you big time. People who cheat to the degree she has and mean business, don't waste time, they make a move, kids or no kids. My ex cheated on me with a married woman with kids. Their fling lasted maybe 6 months and then they took off together. She was not my idea of a great person because she dumped her kids to be with my ex. I guess it was the last straw for me because I packed up my bags and my son and put 500 miles between me and this chronic cheater I was married to. Best move I have EVER made.
Can anyone guarantee that you will not be devastated if you move on? NO...it is going to hurt. That is part of life and what in the heck are you talking about not having much time left at age 48?? I was married young the first time at age 19, was 42 the second time (he died), and this last time I was 57!! AND......my husband now is 10 years younger than me. So, in theory, it is NEVER too late only too soon.
My advice....Run like hell and get a new life of your own that doesn't hurt so much.
Good post pam!
4 years is a long time, with no promises for the future. You need to take a step back, and take a good hard look at this situation.
Love? Yeah, well, it hurts. Thats part of life. Move on!
I have to agree, you need to move on, you have already wasted too much time with this unatainable woman! No matter what you do, she will never be all yours (she has a husband, and children so they will always share a bond), so do yourself a favor: Stop taking her calls, ignore her (for me cold turkey is the only way to get over heartbreak), find a nice rebound *single* lady for the interim (there are plenty out there) and do your thing, until you are over her and then find yourself a nice wife who can be all yours.
Do yourself a favor and stop entertaining her lies, you should also be very careful with her. If she can lie to you and her family for four years, lives that far away, how many of YOU do you think she has on her roster?
This is probably not what you want to hear, but I suspect you know what the right thing to do is anyway.
Let's make this simple for you, BBJ. Heck, I'll even leave out the moral censure.
1. A woman who is not willing to divorce her husband for you doesn't love you enough to marry you. Period. What she's really telling you is that she likes the money too much to leave. What exactly does that say about your relationship?
2. Divorces in New York are not hard. She has fed you a line of baloney there.
3. If I knew my wife were carrying on with another man, I think I'd be possessive and controlling, too. I would want to know exactly where she was going and who she was going to be with. I would wonder where she was every time her so-called errands took a couple of hours longer than she thought. I would wonder about her girls' nights out. I would wonder every time somebody hangs up when I answer the telephone at home. For cheating destroys all trust in a marriage. And if she was willing to destroy our marriage to go off with some other guy, you bet I would fight for my children. I would spend our last dollar in family court to ensure that some unknown guy was not going to raise my kids.
In short, you love this woman. That's neither here nor there. But her actions demonstrate that she doesn't love you as deeply. Move on and find somebody who really does deserve your love.
Does her husband know about you or does he just suspect she has been cheating?
Divorce in NY state isn't difficult to get. It is a bit longer than other states, but trust me many people get divorced there every day.
The choice is really up to you. If you feel like you can't leave her alone, then stop crying and get used to the role you are playing. You'll be doing this 3, 5, maybe even 10 years from now. Ask yourself if that is the kind of life you want to live. There are other women around that are available. You feel like you won't love again, but you will. You don't want to hear/read that and I understand.
It is hard to love someone who is married, and even harder to walk away from this love you say you are feeling. Are you really happy? Will you be happy being her side piece for another 4 years? Every year that passes will make it harder to leave the marriage.
If she is serious about leaving- she needs to stop seeing you, go to counseling to right her wrongs (especially if her husband has proof she was cheating) then she needs to file for divorce. I suggested the counseling so she can use that as a counter attack if her husband tries to gain custody of the children.
If she is the primary caretaker, he'll have quite a battle ahead of him to get full custody of them. Men use this tactic to keep women in their place and in the marriage. I wish more women would do some research.
It is free to speak to a lawyer in New York. She can get advice from them as to what she can do to prepare for a divorce. If you confront her with this and she is coming up with all kinds of excuses- you'll have your answer. She wants her cake and eat it too.
I haven't been in your shoes, but I've been in love with a liar before. Actions speak louder than words. If she is as miserable as you say, she'll look for a way out.
Not to just slip away for a weekend to be in your arms then to go back to her big bad husband the rest of the week. She can feed you that line because you aren't there to see what is going on when she is with her family.
Hello, Please read this through before you make an opinion. I am desperate, sad, and depressed. I have been seeing a girl 200 miles away for 4 years. She is a wonderful woman not a cheat as some of you will say. She wants to leave her husband and us spend our lives together. She cannot leave her husband because of money and kids aged 9 and 12. I work here in CT and she works in NY State. Her children come first. Her husband is possesive and controlling. Threatens her with the children if she leaves. It is very hard to get a divorce In New York State. I hang on and hang on, but see no hope in site unless I am ready to wait a few more years. I am not young at 48. I love this woman so much. I feel so much pain and love in one. I get hurt easily and read into her words and thought to much at times. It is hard when two people say they are soul mates and one lives with someone else. To begin with I don't ant to leave as I would hurt her. I know I do not have her now, but the thoguht of ending all hope just destroys me inside and make me unfunctional. Thing is I am depressed more than happy. If I was giving advice I would say move on in more words. It is easier to give advice than follow it. PLEASE someone help I am tired of being sad and crying.
Thank You
Take this to the bank. If she will leave her current husband, she will all the more easily leave you. You're in a losing ("loser" being the operative word here) situation for everyone involved- you, her hubby, the kids.
BBJ - you need to pull your head outta your @ss and stop the crying already! At 48 you're old enough to know better!!!
Millions of people get divorced everyday, so the excuse that it's hard to get a disso in NY doesn't fly with me - and it shouldn't fly with you either. Like I said - at 48 you know better.
I'll bet you a million dollars this woman - the love of your life - has a couple other suckers on the string. Sure, she has security with her husband - a roof over her head, food on the table, money to burn. Life with her husband and kids may not have all the spiciness of leaving for the weekend to have a romp in the sack with someone she only sees occasionally. She doesn't love you! You are her escape from boredom for a little while. And I'll bet you aren't her only escape!
Wise up and dump her. Cut off ALL contact with her immediately. Don't take her emails, text messages, phone calls, visits, etc. and don't you contact her or drive by her house or her work or whatever. The sooner you rid yourself of this baggage/drama, the sooner you can get started on having a real life where you can be happy. As for her - she'll be fine. there's no question in my mind but that she has other guys she will spend her time with. She'll be over you faster than you can snap your fingers.
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you KNOW it's the truth! Look where you're at now because of this relationship - you're a sniveling, crying mess! Be a man and get yourself out of this crappy situation before I have to come out there and smack you a few times!
Last edited by Twinkle Toes; 02-27-2009 at 09:50 AM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Girlfriend Cannot Leave Her Husband
