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I had this conversation with a female friend yesterday and was wanting to see what people's thoughts were on here.
A little background on the woman. Was married at 18 or 19 and they grew apart. They divorced when she was in her early 30s. They co-parent an 11 year old daughter and he gets her every weekend like clockwork. She's 36 or 37 and is definitely looking for "the one" as she calls it. She pressured herself into getting back on OKC, because all her friends were seeing someone and she wasn't. She ended up getting messaged by a guy on OKC and they began talking. A few weeks ago they met up for a date, but here's the kicker, he lives 133 miles from her. It's close to a 3 hour drive for her to see him. They've only met one time in the last month.
As we were talking yesterday she mentioned that how slow things are going is really not her ideal. When this guy messaged her she didn't really think about the distance at the time, she just liked getting some attention from a guy. She's had some bad luck dating while the majority of her friends can get in and out of relationships with ease. I think this issue is that many of her friends are small and relatively petite. She played softball growing up, so she's built more like a man. Has broad shoulders, no butt, chicken legs, yet has good sized breast.
Now to get to the underlying issue. Her and I have both talked about there not being really good options in our area, so she's expanded her options to look 90 miles East and 90 miles South of her location. This got me to thinking about a person's needs and what's the NUMBER 1 thing they want from a partner. So I asked her just that question. She stated that the NUMBER 1 thing that she wants is a man that can make time for her and she really wants to feel needed in a relationship.
With her saying that was her NUMBER 1 want in a relationship, I brought up a tough question for her. If you're really wanting to feel wanted and needed in a relationship, why are you even attempting to date a guy that lives 3 hours away? Why even use parameters that are that far away from your current zip code? If you're truly wanting to meet a man that completes your NUMBER 1, instead of expanding your parameters, why don't you just look to moving to the two areas you've expanded your search to include?
Her and I have had this conversation a little bit before and she knows long distance doesn't work for her. Every time I ask about how things are going with this guy, she always says it's "still going slow". She's made that statement probably 5-6 times, which made me think that it's not really what she's looking for, but something is better than nothing. I have even looked to relocating to Texas, because even though I love my town and my state, I think I'm ready for a break. Not a forever break but I think a decade break will do me a lot of good.
Her and I discussed her schedule compared to his and she has every weekend free from her child. The guy she's seeing works every Friday night and they have differing work schedules already. She has alluded to being in a tough spot of wanting to end it or keep pushing forward. She feels that her need isn't exactly getting met, but at the same time, he's a good guy and she does like him. I even asked if she would be willing to drive more to see him, and she said she would, but between his work schedule and alternating weekends with his son, his time is limited as well.
What's your thoughts on expanding your parameters so far out to date when you know you are wanting something that the other person can't provide due to distance?
I like that you asked her the tough question because what she wants isn't in line with someone who lives so far away.
I think sometimes people aren't honest with themselves and get tangled up in a relationship that doesn't quite fit, because most things are good. Distance is a big one and unless someone intends to move, it's really not sustainable.
I had a friend who signed up for POF and was looking at a large radius, people within a 6 hour drive. I did the same as you, asked her how realistic it was to be open to meeting people so far away and how she planned to sustain that, especially when she had no intention of ever living more than an hour away from her current location. Being new to OLD is a bit of trial and error in figuring out how realistic it is to try to meet people who are so far away.
Why did you include the physical description of her body parts?
I was describing how her female friends can get in and out of relationships so easily and she can't. Her female friends are small and petite. She has the build more of a man from her sports playing days. She was also raised a bit tomboyish.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011
I like that you asked her the tough question because what she wants isn't in line with someone who lives so far away.
I think sometimes people aren't honest with themselves and get tangled up in a relationship that doesn't quite fit, because most things are good. Distance is a big one and unless someone intends to move, it's really not sustainable.
I had a friend who signed up for POF and was looking at a large radius, people within a 6 hour drive. I did the same as you, asked her how realistic it was to be open to meeting people so far away and how she planned to sustain that, especially when she had no intention of ever living more than an hour away from her current location. Being new to OLD is a bit of trial and error in figuring out how realistic it is to try to meet people who are so far away.
That's what I was telling her too. Why date someone who you know isn't going to give you what you want, just so you don't have to always feel alone? Maybe the alone feeling will push you harder to relocate or do something else in your life that you've been putting off. It just didn't make sense to me why she'd even entertain the offer, especially when she had already told someone else that was 1.5 hours away that it was too far. So 1.5 hours is too far away, yet you're giving a chance to a guy 3 hours away who has an even less flexible schedule? It's time to sit down and rethink your priorities and what you really want. What you may really need is some alone time, even though that's not what any of us want.
I'm trying to understand why it's relevant to the OP.
Why are you beating this to death? It's referencing why anybody has better luck in areas of life compared to others. I was referencing the OP, because she's frustrated as to why she has trouble getting a man compared to her friends. She's mentioned often enough that they can get in and out of relationships and she's had terrible trouble even getting one to last a month.
I felt body type was one of the issues. Her and her friends are older, almost approaching 40 or at 40. The women who were better at keeping a young woman's physique has had better luck with getting men. One of her best friends isn't even divorced yet. Met a man within a week of her separation and they're inseparable. It's likely because her friend has a more attractive body type than my friend. I've met this other woman and she has a nice shape to her that's attractive to a lot of men. My friend doesn't have that shape.
Why are you beating this to death? It's referencing why anybody has better luck in areas of life compared to others. I was referencing the OP, because she's frustrated as to why she has trouble getting a man compared to her friends. She's mentioned often enough that they can get in and out of relationships and she's had terrible trouble even getting one to last a month.
I felt body type was one of the issues. Her and her friends are older, almost approaching 40 or at 40. The women who were better at keeping a young woman's physique has had better luck with getting men. One of her best friends isn't even divorced yet. Met a man within a week of her separation and they're inseparable. It's likely because her friend has a more attractive body type than my friend. I've met this other woman and she has a nice shape to her that's attractive to a lot of men. My friend doesn't have that shape.
Why are you freaking out about a clarifying question? That's why we're here, right? To share info and understand?
In a very long OP, you included information that seemed unnecessary to me, and I asked a clarifying question when your first explanation seemed avoidant.
We don't need to know anything about her body type to get the point of your post, which supposedly is about contradictory goals and approaches.
No butt or not, if she thinks things are too slow with a guy who lives out of town, then seeking a guy who lives farther out of town is illogical.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,995,252 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by weezerfan84
I felt body type was one of the issues. Her and her friends are older, almost approaching 40 or at 40. The women who were better at keeping a young woman's physique has had better luck with getting men. One of her best friends isn't even divorced yet. Met a man within a week of her separation and they're inseparable. It's likely because her friend has a more attractive body type than my friend. I've met this other woman and she has a nice shape to her that's attractive to a lot of men. My friend doesn't have that shape.
Nah, I doubt it. Doesn't mean much. I know women of all different body types that have success or lack thereof in dating. It's on the list, but way way down.
Body type doesn't mean all that much for the ladies. Just looking around when you're out and about tells me that.
Why are you freaking out about a clarifying question? That's why we're here, right? To share info and understand?
In a very long OP, you included information that seemed unnecessary to me, and I asked a clarifying question when your first explanation seemed avoidant.
We don't need to know anything about her body type to get the point of your post, which supposedly is about contradictory goals and approaches.
No butt or not, if she thinks things are too slow with a guy who lives out of town, then seeking a guy who lives farther out of town is illogical.
I'm just pointing out why some people struggle dating and some others don't.
Nah, I doubt it. Doesn't mean much. I know women of all different body types that have success or lack thereof in dating. It's on the list, but way way down.
Body type doesn't mean all that much for the ladies. Just looking around when you're out and about tells me that.
I'll disagree with you here. There's men and women everywhere that are vain about looks. Heck, I can be vain about looks. I have a hard time dating a woman who weighs more than me. I've done it in the past and it bothered me. I don't want a rail thin woman by any means, and I like them on the thicker side, but just can't do bigger than me.
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