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So I don't think I had that expectation. Of course deep down I hoped he will pick up by the time we have kid (don't have any yet) so I have the option to take break or incase of layoff. No one knows in todays economy. That is one of the reason I prefer house/cars/expense to be closer to his income range than mine. But I checked my expectation before marriage. Several of my friends and family were bit shocked I married him due to our financial difference. It embarrassed me a little bit but I waved off cuz there is more to marriage/relationship than income. I don't know, I am disappointed in myself
Very good point. I think despite of all the feminist talk of equality, most women still expect a man to be a provider of some sort and thus make more money or at least roughly the same amount. I believe that is what is subconsciously bothering the OP. I don't think I would've ever married a woman who makes more than 10-15% more than I do for the same reason.
I guess as women start making more money and take further advantage of affirmative action programs this situation will become more common.
I am not going to confront him, I am not going to leave him or demand he makes more money. I am not going to do anything. This is not about changing the situation. Life is what it is. This is more about self reflection in a relationship. This is about me and my feeling and less about my husband. This thread is about seeking advice on how to deal with my emotional uneasiness rather than deal with his income.
Life is good, I am not going to ruin it over money. I just need to work on better accepting the situation instead of suppressing (waving off) the odd feeling I get here and there
Quote:
Originally Posted by Londoncowboy30
If it's no issue with the running of the house, dinners out etc then keep it that way
Im sure he feels a slight discomfort or even embarrassment that he " makes so little " but as long as things get paid and are no ongoing problems there's no need to rub salt in the wound ( assuming you are thinking of confronting him on this? )
Ps out of interest would he have the same reaction if the glove was on the other hand? For richer and poorer and all
Quote:
Originally Posted by hawaiiancoconut
So, whats your solution going forward, OP? an ultimatum? divorce?
Very good point. I think despite of all the feminist talk of equality, most women still expect a man to be a provider of some sort and thus make more money or at least roughly the same amount.
When LH and I met, I made more than him. He felt that was how it should be as I was college educated and he wasn't. It didn't bother me either - we were happy and that's what mattered. About 6 months after we met, he switched careers and in the end, he made 1.5 times what I did and was putting things in place so I'd be taken care of if he died before me as he was 7.5 years older. Little did we know how soon that would end up happening.
My best friend has been un/underemployed/consulting almost the entire time I've known him. Again, it doesn't bother me in the least. I pay for things and he saves me a ton of money by being my handyman, even going as far as watching Youtube videos to learn things he doesn't know how to do so I don't have to pay someone else to do it. Though not a romantic relationship, and one that has always been physically platonic, we are odd in that we have come to love each other over time and do function like a partnership - as a non-couple, we get along better than some couples we know because we don't have the major "couple issues". We have found a way to make it work for us. It also helps that we are both totally cool with inexpensive things: two of the best nights out we've ever had cost a total of $16.
The gal he's dating doesn't mind his income status either. She makes about what I do and doesn't have a traditional Sat-Sun weekend. She loves that he is able to spend her weekend together, which won't be the case when he starts working FT, which if all goes well for him will be very soon. (Fingers crossed!)
I am not going to confront him, I am not going to leave him or demand he makes more money. I am not going to do anything. This is not about changing the situation. Life is what it is. This is more about self reflection in a relationship. This is about me and my feeling and less about my husband. This thread is about seeking advice on how to deal with my emotional uneasiness rather than deal with his income.
Life is good, I am not going to ruin it over money. I just need to work on better accepting the situation instead of suppressing (waving off) the odd feeling I get here and there
I'm glad you are willing to over look it and are thinking of the better things instead
But I'm now at a loss as to why you started the thread?
I am not going to confront him, I am not going to leave him or demand he makes more money. I am not going to do anything. This is not about changing the situation. Life is what it is. This is more about self reflection in a relationship. This is about me and my feeling and less about my husband. This thread is about seeking advice on how to deal with my emotional uneasiness rather than deal with his income.
Life is good, I am not going to ruin it over money. I just need to work on better accepting the situation instead of suppressing (waving off) the odd feeling I get here and there
Honestly, it sounds like you're really not ready for the realities of co-mingled finances that come with marriage. It's not a corporation, where the one with the most shares (ie. income) has more voting rights than the other; if you have fundamentally different views of how money should be spent, this uneasiness is only going to fester and get worse.
I knew his salary and hear bare bone life when I married him. I knew what I signed up for. My thought process then & even now is, as long as I have my income it doesn't matter what he makes. Thru the last 2 years we kept our finance separate. We both pitch in on house hold expense without an issue. Typically I don't think about his income or even know about it.
But then tax season comes and we file jointly & I can't help but look at his income and ever year its the same reaction
Question to the ladies who make significantly more than your husband: How do you manage your emotion regarding the difference? As I said, we don't have any financial issue so far but time to time emotional complication shows up that I push back. but it creeps out.
Like tax season when I see our income side by side & I feel uneasy. I am sure he does too
Like when we disagree on big purchase (car or house), he wants something expensive nothing but the best vs. I think we should get something average or slightly below average. Then in back of my mind I am thinking "dude your broke, you can't even afford average, forget cream of the crop. If I want expensive things it makes sense." Then I realize how wrong this thought is and push it back. I never voiced it. This is the first place I am acknowledging it
It is tricky as in my situation the gap is large. It was not always this large, but 1 or 2 years after we got together I got a huge income leap and he has never had that type of jump. This does mean out of practicality I have pushed more of things that might typically be done by a female on to him (not as much as I would like ... this one is stuborn as a mule and was raised by a stay at home mother ). It has taken a long time to get even 10% of the domestic stuff on his plate. I also have lowered my standards hugely. Ex the dishes can sit there until I get around to it. The laundry can sit in the basked as this stuff in just going to be worn, get dirty and have to be washed again in a few days and I would much rather be able to do something fun tonight then invest time doing something that wont actually be really purposeful.
When it comes to having kids this is the most scary area because if I am on maternity leave our income will drop by up to 65-75% and I am not use to not getting or doing the stuff I want to do. Also don't think I am willing to have that huge of a lifestyle change again. I doubt he would want to stay home with a baby! New borns are difficulty to take care of and not all people have the required temperment and skills to deal with that. I am not sure if he would be up for that challenge. Some men can do this with no sweat just as well as or better then a mother, but t I am not sure about the one I am with.
We keep our finances separate which is a little selfish on my part, but is likely a symbol of the fact that I still think he should work harder or more. If he wants the same luxories as me he needs to figure out a way to make more money. This is probably really not fair and sexist and if the shoe was on the other foot it would likely be seen as unfair as we should be sharing everything.
I think because even though I know we should be sharing equally as we were both raised in families where the husband brought in all or as much money as the wife and took care of all or most of the finanical stuff these role reversals can be tricky and we have to be creative in terms of rearranging our expectations from each other. I don't want to feel like I am financially supporting my husband... which in itself is sexist, but I also have to be fair in knowing that it is pretty likely that he will never make more or as much money as me so we need to adapt from our steoretypical thinking about roles played by husbands and wives to survive. This is a day to day challenge.
No. If YOU have an on-topic point to make, though, you could just make it.
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Oh .. good to know it is not just me ..
). It has taken a long time to get even 10% of the domestic stuff on his plate. I also have lowered my standards hugely. Ex the dishes can sit there until I get around to it. The laundry can sit in the basked as this stuff in just going to be worn, get dirty and have to be washed again in a few days and I would much rather be able to do something fun tonight then invest time doing something that wont actually be really purposeful.
