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I am not going to confront him, I am not going to leave him or demand he makes more money. I am not going to do anything. This is not about changing the situation. Life is what it is. This is more about self reflection in a relationship. This is about me and my feeling and less about my husband. This thread is about seeking advice on how to deal with my emotional uneasiness rather than deal with his income.
Reverse the situation: If you were a man, you probably wouldn't care if your wife made a lot less than you did. Somewhere along the line, you learned to equate earnings with masculinity and the male role in a hetero relationship. That's old-school sexism rearing its ugly head. You need to find a way to get rid of that.
It's a valid one, imo. You rarely (or "significantly less often", if that makes people feel better) see men talking about how uneasy they are that their wife makes less than they do.
No. If YOU have an on-topic point to make, though, you could just make it.
I was hoping you weren't being obtuse, but....
She believes he should make more money than her. The practical issues are symptoms, but the cause is that she's not as "modern" as she thought she was, and she thinks more like the friends and relatives who warned her that she'd come to resent earning more, the implication being that it's against the natural order of things for a wife to out earn her husband. She's a bit ashamed of someone, perhaps both herself for her feelings about this and her husband for not being more ambitious or traditional.
She believes he should make more money than her. The practical issues are symptoms, but the cause is that she's not as "modern" as she thought she was, and she thinks more like the friends and relatives who warned her that she'd come to resent earning more, the implication being that it's against the natural order of things for a wife to out earn her husband. She's a bit ashamed of someone, perhaps both herself for her feelings about this and her husband for not being more ambitious or traditional.
FWIW, I may have misinterpreted your previous response as well. Not being willfully obtuse (which, I know, is annoying as hell around here)
Reverse the situation: If you were a man, you probably wouldn't care if your wife made a lot less than you did. Somewhere along the line, you learned to equate earnings with masculinity and the male role in a hetero relationship. That's old-school sexism rearing its ugly head. You need to find a way to get rid of that.
That old school sexism rears its ugly head here just about every day, though not always so blatantly as this example.
This does mean out of practicality I have pushed more of things that might typically be done by a female on to him (not as much as I would like ... this one is stuborn as a mule and was raised by a stay at home mother ). It has taken a long time to get even 10% of the domestic stuff on his plate. I also have lowered my standards hugely. Ex the dishes can sit there until I get around to it. The laundry can sit in the basked as this stuff in just going to be worn, get dirty and have to be washed again in a few days and I would much rather be able to do something fun tonight then invest time doing something that wont actually be really purposeful.
Honestly I'm not seeing the connection between income and domestic duties. Chores and such should be tied to who is more available/able to do them, not who makes more. If he's making less because he's home 4 days a week due to working part time then he should be the one doing more chores. If you're both full time it should be a roughly 50/50 split.
When money and separate economies are at issue between a couple- you are doomed to fail as a couple. If you have food- a clean bed and a roof over your head...and you wake up in the morning kissing- you are rich.
She believes he should make more money than her. The practical issues are symptoms, but the cause is that she's not as "modern" as she thought she was, and she thinks more like the friends and relatives who warned her that she'd come to resent earning more, the implication being that it's against the natural order of things for a wife to out earn her husband. She's a bit ashamed of someone, perhaps both herself for her feelings about this and her husband for not being more ambitious or traditional.
Oh, did you and the OP discuss that in a private message or something? I missed where she said all that.
(See, THAT is me being deliberately obtuse.)
I asked because I want the OP to answer. She just keeps saying she's shocked. I want to see her reasoning as to WHY. And I didn't see anything indicating that she wants him to make MORE than she does.
I never got the impression that the OP wants or thinks her husband should make more money than she does. I got the impression that she wanted him to be able to make a greater contribution to the household (both in terms of finances and in terms of unpaid labor/chores/housework.
I know I personally wouldn't be comfortable marrying someone who made significantly less than I do, because of the impact to our finances if something happened to me and I couldn't work.
I have also learned through experience that I'm happier and more relaxed in a relationship when my SO and I are are in a similar financial bracket and have the same general ideas on how to handle money, how much to spend on household items, etc.
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). It has taken a long time to get even 10% of the domestic stuff on his plate. I also have lowered my standards hugely. Ex the dishes can sit there until I get around to it. The laundry can sit in the basked as this stuff in just going to be worn, get dirty and have to be washed again in a few days and I would much rather be able to do something fun tonight then invest time doing something that wont actually be really purposeful.
