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I've been dating my significant other for about a year now. We are both in our 30's and we met through an internet dating site. I've been extremely paranoid this whole relationship about honesty, but I've also had a history of a handful of dishonest relationships. He lives and works about an hour and a half away. We spend the weekends together. He lives with his parents and I met them a few times and nothing appears off there. I haven't yet met any of his friends. He says that he went through a phase for quite a few years where he secluded himself from people and didn't really have friends, but since he has met me he has come out of his shell. I see there are a handful of people he interacts with on a regular basis even though hanging out with them has been very few and far in between. We talk throughout the day while he is at work and quite a bit after work through text messaging. On his days off, he is with me unless I have to work. He's pretty open about our relationship on social media. Often posting pictures and was the one to initiate a relationship status on FB and everything is open for the whole general world to see. He is pretty vocal about how against he is about cheating, lying, crossing boundaries, etc. When we first started dating, he would leave his cellphone around and leave the room and not worry too much about it. Within the past month or two I've noticed his behavior has changed a bit. It's often at his side. He takes it into the bathroom when he showers. There have been a few times he has left it in another room while we were sleeping and I'd get up to get something to drink and that would wake him up and he'd come out and grab his phone and bring it in the bedroom with him. He lets me handle his phone in his presence. He isn't glued to his phone or anything when we are together. I've never snooped through his phone but the temptation to is getting worse, because what possibly can he be hiding? Or am I being paranoid? Would you feel this to be a red flag in your relationship?
I've never snooped through his phone but the temptation to is getting worse, because what possibly can he be hiding? Or am I being paranoid? Would you feel this to be a red flag in your relationship?
Guarding your phone often means you have text messages coming in that you don't want your SO to see. Maybe not the red flag but at least fly the yellow caution flag. The whole "open about the fact that we're dating on social networking" thing is why it's not a red flag. If those Facebook posts with you in them stop, it's a red flag.
Guarding your phone often means you have text messages coming in that you don't want your SO to see. Maybe not the red flag but at least fly the yellow caution flag. The whole "open about the fact that we're dating on social networking" thing is why it's not a red flag. If those Facebook posts with you in them stop, it's a red flag.
There's been enough threads on here about how some women feel about porn. It could be as innocent as the fact that he now has some on his phone.
Notice I said, could be.
Asking about it in as non-confrontational a manner as possible or actually snooping ( bad, bad idea) is the only way to find out.
... I've been extremely paranoid this whole relationship about honesty, but I've also had a history of a handful of dishonest relationships....When we first started dating, he would leave his cellphone around and leave the room and not worry too much about it....behavior changed a bit. It's often at his side. He takes it into the bathroom when he showers. There have been a few times he has left it in another room while we were sleeping and I'd get up to get something to drink and that would wake him up and he'd come out and grab his phone and bring it in the bedroom with him....He lets me handle his phone in his presence. ...the temptation to is getting worse...am I being paranoid? Would you feel this to be a red flag in your relationship?.
The red flag here is that you are "noticing" where his phone is every minute he is with you, even in his sleep, even when he goes to the bathroom.
You say you are "allowed to handle it in his presence". The question is: Why do you need to be handling his phone at all? People keep all of their important information in their phone theses days, they're very expensive and we invest money sometimes monthly into the use of the phone. I have tons of pictures, a couple of funny videos, my appointment calendar, every contact that I have needed or will need, most with a picture. I have a voice message from a good friend who died last summer, I'm not going to lose that --and no, you can't listen to it. Personal stuff. For one person.
I don't leave my phone laying around just anywhere. If you pick my phone up because I left it out, I'll be right there with my hand out for you to hand it over. I wont sit patiently while you handle it for awhile, and that's not because I have something to hide, it's just nobody's business.
If you did snoop through his phone, you may find things to question: "when was this picture taken?" "Who's this contact?" "What did this person want when they called?" No one wants to explain them-self, that doesn't mean they're doing something wrong, you are.
Maybe he has sensed that the "temptation is getting worse" to snoop through it and he's on guard. He wakes up in the middle of the night and there you are "getting a glass of water" and knowing exactly where his phone is in the next room? He has you figured out.
Find a way to quit obsessing about his damn phone. You've created this. You admit you've had bad relationships and are paranoid. The phone isn't the problem. Try some behavior therapy: practice not looking for the phone.
Honey...if you're feeling "paranoid" of his phone activities, then snooping won't help. It will only reassure you that you didn't find anything yet. It will never satisfy you. You will keep snooping and keep feeling awful about yourself for doing it and you won't feel any more relaxed than you do now about any of it, and meanwhile, he WILL eventually catch on. This can't end well.
If you're having trust issues with him, specifically, it may be a problem overall with the relationship and you might never feel comfortable. If it's EVERYBODY, then you need to seek some counseling. Either way I feel like a break from relationships might be your best bet.
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