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And just to point out again, someone who has been doing that all along doesn't "become lazy". Depression is what fuels the lack of interest, desire, energy and engagement.
Exactly. She sounds angry and depressed, burned out. The initial agreement about OP working all the time and she staying home didn't work out the way she thought it would. All the money in the world is not going to make up for losing her marriage relationship with the OP. In a way, she has checked out of the marriage.
She had a rough time for a while. Now that the kids are older, she's decided that she deserves to get time off. She probably wanted some help from the OP but didn't get any. New car, vacation, lots of money--that doesn't seem to cut it anymore and it doesn't compensate for the loss of the relationship. It's gone too far. She wanted a relationship and understanding.
I think the lesson is that men need to help out more in the home. In most cases you get both people working full time but one (the man) gets to come home and sit. The other (the wife) gets to come home and cook, clean, do laundry, vacuum, mop the floor, plan the menus, run to the grocery store--and more. If there are kids, add all that in too. So often the man won't pitch in. No wonder the wife gets bitter and depressed and "lazy."
Exactly. She sounds angry and depressed, burned out. The initial agreement about OP working all the time and she staying home didn't work out the way she thought it would. All the money in the world is not going to make up for losing her marriage relationship with the OP. In a way, she has checked out of the marriage.
She had a rough time for a while. Now that the kids are older, she's decided that she deserves to get time off. She probably wanted some help from the OP but didn't get any. New car, vacation, lots of money--that doesn't seem to cut it anymore and it doesn't compensate for the loss of the relationship. It's gone too far. She wanted a relationship and understanding.
I think the lesson is that men need to help out more in the home. In most cases you get both people working full time but one (the man) gets to come home and sit. The other (the wife) gets to come home and cook, clean, do laundry, vacuum, mop the floor, plan the menus, run to the grocery store--and more. If there are kids, add all that in too. So often the man won't pitch in. No wonder the wife gets bitter and depressed and "lazy."
I think the lesson is that married people must communicate their needs clearly to their partner.
You'll need some actual proof of that --not just pulling numbers out of you're better end. Example: "Oh no, I beg to differ, 80% of the responses TO THE OP show empathy for the couple's situation and have useful comments." There, now I win. Same strategy as yours.
Exactly. She sounds angry and depressed, burned out. The initial agreement about OP working all the time and she staying home didn't work out the way she thought it would. All the money in the world is not going to make up for losing her marriage relationship with the OP. In a way, she has checked out of the marriage.
Are you sure that is not an excuse for laziness now that she does not have to work that hard with kids older and OP making even more money.
Quote:
Originally Posted by in_newengland
I think the lesson is that men need to help out more in the home. In most cases you get both people working full time but one (the man) gets to come home and sit. The other (the wife) gets to come home and cook, clean, do laundry, vacuum, mop the floor, plan the menus, run to the grocery store--and more. If there are kids, add all that in too. So often the man won't pitch in. No wonder the wife gets bitter and depressed and "lazy."
The lesson of at least this thread is that a stay at home woman needs to do more at home. It is not fair that an OP is expected to work full time on, I assume, a very demanding and stressful job and then is expected to do a lot at home? While his wife goes out with friends and does not do much.
In general term, I am skeptical that men do less around the house than a woman. At least in White America households. American women seem to be dead set against this practice. This might be more accurate for immigrant households.
If you switch it to a man not working and instead of shopping with friends, he has been playing video games or something, the women on this thread would be ALL OVER what a lazy slob he is. There would be zero discussion over whether she is doing her part at home or if he is suffering from depression.
Even if she wasn't shopping and seeing friends all the time, being a SAHM is her damn job!!! They, OP and his wife, agreed to these terms and now she doesn't want to fulfill them. I don't care what the deal is, do your job and be thankful that you have this luxury that so many in this country, let alone the world, would absolutely kill for. No one said being a SAHM would be glamorous or entertaining or thankful all the time, so what? It's a job and you agreed to do it as part of a life plan for your family, so do your part.
What would posters say if OP said he wanted to quit his job tomorrow and live a bohemian lifestyle? They'd be on his ass so fast it'd make your head spin. He has a duty to his family, and per their agreement, she has a duty as well. Shut up and do it cuz you can't go back and undo having kids.
For goodness' sake. A person is experiencing a problem in his marriage. He started a thread here looking for input. Why some people insist on making his real problem about their personal pet peeve is a mystery to me. Are there really that many adults incapable of comprehending that not everything is about them?
The OP doesn't care if you hate women. The OP doesn't care if you suspect women hate men. The OP doesn't care about a thread you read on Reddit. The OP doesn't care what you speculate the reaction would be if he were a woman. The OP merely wants input about his problem.
If you switch it to a man not working and instead of shopping with friends, he has been playing video games or something, the women on this thread would be ALL OVER what a lazy slob he is. There would be zero discussion over whether she is doing her part at home or if he is suffering from depression.
Well.
If he went from productive, happy, and cooperative in the family milieu to suddenly downing pizza pockets and playing WOW all day, I would suspect depression or drugs.
Like seriously, after the OP stated "with my new job I'm working 60, sometimes 80 hours per week. My wife encouraged me to go for it" one of the first responses was...
"well, you should probably think about the toll that 80 hours a week does on your wife."
Like how insanely out of touch can you people be? You don't think OP is working hard and he's just dicking around on facebook for 80 hours a week? Absolutely delusional.
No. They are simply pointing out that working 70-80 hours a week means neglecting your family.
There's no way around that.
No one is denying it isn't hard work that takes effort. But it takes a toll on everyone.
That's it.
They were just pointing this out.
People aren't plants. You can't just haphazardly throw water at them and say, "Thrive and survive!" You ignore your wife or family, this happens. Even if you all agreed to it. It's simply a natural consequence.
Marriages seem to go wrong when things get out of balance and one person gets resentful.
Absolutely.
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