Wife is a SAHM, but has become lazy. (guy, love, young)
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My wife and I have been married for 12 years, we have two kids 11 and 9. When we first got married she had a good job and was college educated but quickly we decided her being a SAHM was best when we found out we were pregnant. I had an okay job but was working my way up.
Initially for the first few years everything was great, she would cook, clean, home school and basically do anything a SAHM does, she even got a part time job. Eventually I managed to work my way up and we managed to get a good house, and she got a new car as well. That was when things started to go south. She stopped doing less and less cleaning, cooking, quit her part time job, and suddenly said she didn't want to home school anymore, and even let her self go. We went on dates, had good sex, went on vacations etc.
Now she spends most of her time hanging out with her friends, shopping, and is not in our children's lives as she once was. I have suggested marriage counseling but she is not interested. It really surprised me, everything was great until I finally worked my way up and was able to greatly increase our income and quality of life for everyone then she started doing a 180. Our 11 year old daughter has asked me why her mother chooses other activities over her.
Have you told her plainly that both you your 11 yo daughter are aware she is lacking interest in her husband and children and that this is unacceptable ?
so horribly depressed that shes laughing it up with her friends at the mall all day.
Except depression isn't black and white or the same for everybody. It's not just sitting in a dark room alone. So yeah, she could still be suffering from depression.
Sounds like she burned out, as many have said. She was doing a lot, and maybe she felt like she was doing so much for everybody else and nothing for herself? I think she needed to find a balance, but struggled to do so. I think counseling would be a great idea if you could get her to go.
Maybe start suggesting things to do as a family. Planing weekend outings, etc. Just say "hey, next weekend I think we should take the kids to the zoo/water park/whatever" make it a family thing. Help plan and prepare for it and get the kids ready. Show her you want to work together as a team and that she can find balance and that you'll help her find that balance. Suggest a chore chart for the kids so they can start helping out. Maybe help her make a weekly meal plan, where you pick healthy meals out for the family together.
Yeah, and I am sure if this were the case with a SAHD you would consider it just as justifiable, right?
Not sure what you mean by "it," Hoznots, but I would give the same advice if the genders were reversed.
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Originally Posted by Hoznots
So under absolutely no circumstances can it ever be the other person's fault 120%?
The biggest issue with the "going on his own" is that he will be stuck with alimony and child support. Clearly, he is the far better parent yet the courts won't see it that way.
I am not making any judgments about fault, only saying that any relationship is the sum of two parts and that it's not very helpful to demonize one side or the other. I say that as someone whose first husband was a problem drinker with anger issues, but I take full responsibility for my own failure to be more assertive in the marriage. I let my unhappiness go past the point of no return, and then I bailed. Oh, and there was no alimony. I didn't want anything from him but my freedom.
"Going on his own" meant that the OP can go alone to a marriage counselor. I wasn't talking about divorce. For the children's sake it would be best to save the marriage, but only if that is what both parties want and if they are both willing to work on their relationship. That part remains to be seen.
If the OP doesn't return, we may never know whether his post was for real or if he's just another internet troll.
A lot if what is described I can relate to when we had sickly twins that put a strain on us in almost every aspect of our relationship. I withdrew from the family and struggled until my breaking point last year. Almost to the point of walking out on my family and running towards a friend former gf who unexpectedly became a sanctuary of sorts from the problems I faced. I felt happiness being distracted from home life and it addicting.
With that, my gut tells me that severe depression is the core factor. It is nasty problem and difficult to get a handle on....
And... depression is not simply a state of sadness nor being lazy. In fact you end up in state that you simply don't give a crap.
My advice would be to divorce, get the best divorce attorney he can, and get the **** away from women as much as possible. In today's society getting involved with a woman is the worst thing a man can do. Society has given women a gun they can decide to shoot and fatally wound at any time for any reason and it's completely legal. OP, please divorce this woman, she'll never change and like all women the more you stay with her the more screwed you'll be.
Wow. Have you ever sought therapy for your Mother issues?
If the OP's wife was keeping house, cooking, working a part-time job and homeschooling two youngsters, my guess is that the stress of doing all that just burned her out. She isn't handling it very well, though. I would second the suggestion that she may be depressed.
Perhaps she compares her lack of career accomplishments with your success. She may miss the stimulation of being in the workplace around other adults and the feeling of self-esteem that she had when you both had interesting careers and were more like equal partners. Perhaps over the years you've grown apart and, in her eyes, the only thing left that you have in common is the children. Perhaps being a SAHM wasn't as fulfilling as she thought it would be.
I am not trying to defend her because I don't think it's fair to point the finger of blame at either party. It takes two to tango. OP, if your wife won't go to marriage counseling, you need to go on your own. Perhaps a neutral trained professional can give you some tools to get past you wife's defenses, draw her out and find out what's going on. if not for yourself, please do it for the children's sake.
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Originally Posted by JustJulia
Gosh! Another man foiled by one of those rotten manipulative females, doing a 180 after the money is locked down. It sounds like it's time to divorce. Maybe there's a way to get full custody despite your children's mother's being the primary caregiver for their entire childhood. It might put a big crimp in your job, but at least you wouldn't have to pay child support. She derailed her education and good job to homeschool the children, so her career track and earning potential is pretty busted, but that's her problem. Hopefully you won't have to pay alimony. I can't believe she let herself go ... I mean, you bought her a car and everything. Sorry bro.
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Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
I'd burn out on this after eleven straight years of it. So would most people, including men, if they were doing it.
Thank God there are a few people on this thread who know what they're talking about!
Others not so much. I have to wonder if they've ever even had kids, let alone been a full-time parent AND cleaning lady AND teacher AND cook AND driver AND personal assistant AND volunteer, etc, for years.
I'm not defending her withdrawal from her family, but I can understand. There is a good possibility that, despite the OP's apparent efforts, his wife feels exhausted, unappreciated, and undervalued. Totally worn out. I know from first-hand experience exactly how that feels. I had no interest in shopping, though (I despise shopping). I just wanted to disappear.
Last edited by newdixiegirl; 06-26-2016 at 01:51 PM..
A lot if what is described I can relate to when we had sickly twins that put a strain on us in almost every aspect of our relationship. I withdrew from the family and struggled until my breaking point last year. Almost to the point of walking out on my family and running towards a friend former gf who unexpectedly became a sanctuary of sorts from the problems I faced. I felt happiness being distracted from home life and it addicting.
With that, my gut tells me that severe depression is the core factor. It is nasty problem and difficult to get a handle on....
And... depression is not simply a state of sadness nor being lazy. In fact you end up in state that you simply don't give a crap.
I think she's probably burned out, and is recovering from burnout. She may have mentally stopped the planet and gotten off for a badly-needed break and recovery period. And there's probably more to this story; she may be resentful for having been required to be teacher, homemaker and part-time employed worker all rolled into one for many years. There could be major issues in the marriage just now bubbling to the surface.
This is almost sounding like one of those threads we've had a couple of times where the wife says she worked hard to keep the household going while working full-time to put her husband through medical school, only to get dumped when he got his MD degree. Some posters are already advising divorce, and locking down the Op's assets so she can't grab them? Really??! After everything his wife gave up and all the effort she made while he was building his career, enabling him to get to a higher echelon? I hope divorce isn't where this couple is headed.
I'm glad this discussion happened, as it's done a good job of clarifying some important aspects of the situation. It was a little too easy to fall in with the OP's perspective in the beginning. It's been eye-opening.
LOL, what happened was that the OP tried to type SAHM (stay-at-home mom) and it autocorrected to "Schmidt."
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