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Marriage needs be a partnership to work out. You are headed for disaster.
If depression is real, your wife needs see a doctor.
Few people at your age love their jobs. Your wife does not get to have the luxury to not be employed.
I would give her ultimatum, "get a job OR you must sell your car & we're moving into place we can afford, &food we can eat, & cell phone service etc we can afford ...on only my salary".
As someone who's hated working...I can tell you what the ankle has to do with it and what she's feeling. When you get up every day and go to work, you get into the habit even if you hate your job. You may complain but you keep doing it.
When something happens and you have some time off work - whether this is for vacation, injury, etc, and you already hate your job, it's bliss to wake up and not have to go in. She was likely enjoying the time spent at home recovering and chilling.
Then, when that time is up, the thought of going back suddenly feels much worse than it ever did before. I know I would even start feeling dread and be depressed on Sunday morning, knowing that tomorrow is Monday. And the thought may be unbearable and depressing. This is why people are often depressed after vacation.
No help for the situation. But just wanted to shed light on that.
This is helpful. But if this is the case, you'd think she'd be complaining about having to go back to that particular job, not saying she doesn't want to work anymore, ever. And with a job in finance, she should be able to find a new job over time, that could be a better fit.
One of my former neighbors started out as a bank teller, and worked up to a position as the main accountant for the bank. She hated that job, because of the stress of having to do flawless math everyday; one number out of place or a wrong calculation, and disaster could result. But she did the job. She counted the years, then the days until she could retire (only 20 years on the job required before retiring with nearly full pay, so she retired at 45), but she went to work everyday. She was the main earner in the couple, so she had to, even with a kid in the picture. People do what they gotta do. Someone has to convince the OP's wife that working is what she's gotta do.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 07-22-2016 at 11:27 AM..
I think that she got use to not working and enjoyed the time that she had holed up healing from her ankle. You guys are not teenagers...but responsible adults and it seems like she is the one that doesn't feel like working.I would get it if she was depressed because of not being able to find work..that would make anyone feel depressed BUT it seems like she had a job to go back to...but decided that she didn't want to anymore.That is being selfish since it's obvious by what you're saying that 2 incomes are needed to pay for all bills.She needs to understand that she doesn't have the luxury of being depressed and NOT working BUT only have the luxury of being depressed but getting her butt back to work WHILE seeking counseling for her depression..if that is what she is dealing with.
You need to tell her that because depression can last for a very long time and I feel that if she doesn't get back to work...you will start to resent her because of her not wanting to go back to work hence putting all the financial responsibilty on you.You need to get her to counseling...if SHE doesn't want to go...then you need to give her an ultimatum because it truly sucks when you're married to someone and you're the one holding everything up...financially..when it doesn't have to be.
Also if all else fails..then start talking divorce because you don't want to be stuck married to someone who is lazy...IF that is the case and they're not depressed.
Last edited by codergirl; 07-22-2016 at 03:41 PM..
Also if all else fails..then start talking divorce because you don't want to be stuck married to someone who is lazy...IF that is the case and they're not depressed.
They're only 2 years in to a marriage, too. You don't really want to be married to someone who's depressed for the next 50 years, either. One's 20's are too young for the prospect of a happy life to be over.
And we still don't know if she even has a job to go back to or not. Was she on leave, OP? Or has she quit? What's going on? Are you still with us, here?
Does anyone here know what happens to people who default on their student loans? How is the case treated if they're married? Does the spouse get dragged into it?
Can you swing the load by yourself right now??? If so, why not consider just letting her have a bit of time off? I've taken about 10 months off from work, course I'm much older than you and we're in a position for me to do that.
I guess what I'm saying is that we work ourselves into the damn ground, if you can swing it why not let her have a sabbatical for a bit.
Life is short and hard and sucks sometimes, we need a break once in a while.
Can you swing the load by yourself right now??? If so, why not consider just letting her have a bit of time off? I've taken about 10 months off from work, course I'm much older than you and we're in a position for me to do that.
I guess what I'm saying is that we work ourselves into the damn ground, if you can swing it why not let her have a sabbatical for a bit.
Life is short and hard and sucks sometimes, we need a break once in a while.
Except that she has loans to pay back, and if she went to grad school, she's probably only been "working herself into the damn ground" for about 3 years. I'm all for her looking for a lower-key job, though. She won't know if she can find a better fit until she tries. And the job search would probably give her a couple of months off, anyway, by the time she finds something, gets hired, and starts fresh.
I'm also wondering if gifting her with a few months off, or whatever, might set a dangerous precedent, and raise her expectations. I don't think the OP should go down that road. If she's truly depressed (as she has been before, apparently), she needs to get professional help for that.
Thanks for all the advice everyone! For the record you may notice the "2" next to my name, unfortunately after I logged out before and tried to log in again it kept saying my password was incorrect and when I tried to do a password reset I realized I must have put it in incorrectly, so I had to make this.
Anywhoo, she was working in finance. She has had some bouts of depression before but not like this. She even just got a new car 6 months ago. She has also complained about her co workers and really wasn't enjoying her job as it was. I think this just pushed her over the edge. I just don't know what I should do. I have thought about trying to sell off her car if she isn't going to work and I told her I am not paying her student loans.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CapsChick
Actually, he resurfaced in this thread with a different username...he added "2" to the end of it.
Except that she has loans to pay back, and if she went to grad school, she's probably only been "working herself into the damn ground" for about 3 years. I'm all for her looking for a lower-key job, though. She won't know if she can find a better fit until she tries. And the job search would probably give her a couple of months off, anyway, by the time she finds something, gets hired, and starts fresh.
I'm also wondering if gifting her with a few months off, or whatever, might set a dangerous precedent, and raise her expectations. I don't think the OP should go down that road. If she's truly depressed (as she has been before, apparently), she needs to get professional help for that.
Age and time in career does have a component in this I suppose. I did sorta mention that earlier. I've been in my industry for about 26 years or so.
I guess what I'm saying is that a few months off isn't the end of the world, but whatever works for people.
We slave away for 45 plus years depending, what the heck is a few months out that in the big picture.
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