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I've dated my bf for about 16 months. We moved in together almost a year ago, which was very soon, but complicated issues around the apartment I was living in. Anyway, we are both mid 30's, working professionals. Until recently, I've taken most of our relationship ups and downs in stride. So I don't know what has quite brought me to the point of feeling desperate to either change the relationship or end it but I have gotten to that point. I am starting to feel that he is too controlling. Some of the things that have really bothered me lately are
*We went on a trip together recently to Europe. He wanted to stay in bed every day until noon and not get out to explore until around 1pm or so. I would tell him that I wanted to explore earlier in the day but he would say, "oh it could be dangerous going out on your own, blah, blah" or if I insisted on going out to get coffee and fresh air, he would pout after.
*He tries to discourage me from getting up early to exercise before work. He wants me to stay with him in bed and cuddle every morning. Perhaps I am less affectionate than most women. I do like to snuggle at times, but most mornings, I feel ready to jump out of bed and do something.
*Somehow in our relationship, I have been relegated to doing all of the "women's work" I am the one who shops, cooks, and does the dishes. Somehow though we still split everything 50/50. He often complains about how expensive things are, or if I choose a restaurant that is a little more $, he complains, even though we're splitting the cost and he eats twice as much as I do. Also, he makes almost twice what I do.
*He asks me ALL OF THE TIME, who I am texting, what I am looking at online, etc. He tries to tell me it's for my own good that I stay off facebook or texting so that I "am in the present moment". I bought this for awhile but now it is just annoying the hell out of me. I don't text that often and I probably spend 20 minutes max on Facebook or news websites a day.
*He says he is ok with me hanging out with friends. I get together for happy hour with girlfriends like twice a month. He pouts if I come home later than 7pm, even if I let him know where I'm at and how soon I'll be home. He got really upset when I told him I was thinking of doing a girl's day out at a vineyard and staying at a hotel (with three other women) for one night.
*He pretends to hit me. Ok, I know most people are thinking, "are you crazy, Lady? Run!" It doesn't happen very often but once in awhile, when he's joking around, he'll pretend to punch, kick, or elbow me to the face. I'll tell him stop and he'll say he's just kidding. I tell him, "not funny to pretend to hit a woman" and then he'll do it again a few months later.
*He's very very affectionate in public. And he asks me at least a few times a day if I love him, etc. I get tired of having to reassure him. But at the same time, since I've started having doubts recently, maybe he isn't so wrong for asking for reassurance.
*He's jealous. Always asking me who I've talked to or telling me to button up my shirt to the top button so that no one looks at me. I'm not showing cleavage. I dress pretty modestly, but he still makes comments if he feels I'm showing too much skin.
*One day I did bring up that I felt the relationship was controlling. He got really upset. We argued. He ignored me for most of the weekend and said none of his other girlfriends had EVER called him controlling. He'll give me the silent treatment for a few hours to an entire weekend, and that is really unbearable to me. I haven't been as assertive as I should be but I have stood up for myself sometimes. I feel like the message sticks sometimes. I just feel so smothered in this relationship that I'm ready to catch the next plane to Argentina and live my life in exile.
Ok but, he's a nice guy for the most part. He's smart. And I really like and care about his family. I hate the idea of hurting someone but I feel so smothered at this point and find I have so little patience with him.
wnj,
You know what you have to do. You are right about him. Always trust your gut feeling, and you want out.
So end it.
But, be careful when you end it, have friends around with you when you do. The "pretend" hitting is a red flag to you, and he may get overly aggressive hearing it is over.
The most dangerous time is when you end it and mean it.
Move on, life is too short to waste your time on a relationship you aren't happy in.
When you find the right person, you won't be posting threads like this, you will not want to leave.
He is more than control freak. He pretends to "hit me" -- portends to future abuse. This guy is mean, selfish and potentially dangerous. Run and discontinue all contact with this guy.
A forest of red flags, OP! He tells you it's "for your own good" that he monitors your texting, etc.? Wow. That one really took the cake for me, aside from the "pretend" hitting.
He makes twice what you do, but complains about splitting expenses 50/50, and complains about an occasional higher-end restaurant choice? Not only does he show numerous signs of being a potential abuser, he's cheap!
Run! And yes, you two moved in together too soon. Now you know why it's better to wait.
Have him post his side of the story here. Then we can give you better feedback.
I was going to include that in my post about not knowing her boyfriend's side of things, but it does look like he's pretty controlling from the onset regardless.
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