Fiancée and I are going to premarital counseling... (dating, wife, girlfriend)

[RunD1987]

I am in need of some feedback. I finally opened up to my fiancée that I feel there are issues going on that we need to work on and address. Fiancée agreed to meet with the Deacon, but feels there is no issues going on.

This however, has open the flood gates, which I am glad because it's important if both of us want to continue this relationship.

We talked about how we haven't talked much and touched base on how I feel arguments are one sided.

Not sure how to respond to my fiancée on this:

Yes but im part of your life too. And i should be a big part of it. Not an after thought.
Im not a chore or something on a to do list
I should be a priority because we are in a relationship. Im not just a friend you see occasionally.
And thats how i feel most if the time. That when you get done with everything else that is more important than this relationship ill hear from you. Its not fair.
A complete after thought i am.
Im not important at all.
I dont feel like a girlfriend or soon to be wife. Most of the time i feel like a back burner.

Fiancée continued saying it's been a year like this and I don't think it will ever change.

Not sure how to respond and questioning my own actions.

[Katnan]

Originally Posted by RunD1987

I am in need of some feedback. I finally opened up to my fiancée that I feel there are issues going on that we need to work on and address. Fiancée agreed to meet with the Deacon, but feels there is no issues going on.

This however, has open the flood gates, which I am glad because it's important if both of us want to continue this relationship.

We talked about how we haven't talked much and touched base on how I feel arguments are one sided.

Not sure how to respond to my fiancée on this:

Yes but im part of your life too. And i should be a big part of it. Not an after thought.
Im not a chore or something on a to do list
I should be a priority because we are in a relationship. Im not just a friend you see occasionally.
And thats how i feel most if the time. That when you get done with everything else that is more important than this relationship ill hear from you. Its not fair.
A complete after thought i am.
Im not important at all.
I dont feel like a girlfriend or soon to be wife. Most of the time i feel like a back burner.

Fiancée continued saying it's been a year like this and I don't think it will ever change.

Not sure how to respond and questioning my own actions.

All the more reason to go to counselling. It's sad to me that two people who have a wedding planned for just a few months from now can be so wildly off-track and mismatched in so many respects. And don't think that the Deacon is the be-all-end-all when it comes to counselling. You may need more than what he can offer.

[RunD1987]

True the Deacon hopefully can help a bit, he use to be a social worker. Might have connections of clinicians or at least it will start dialogue that will help fiancée and I address issues going on. I can't believe the wedding is little under 6 month's away. Been feeling sick in my stomach.

[metalmancpa]

If there is anything positive to be taken from this, is that you have already had your eyes opened to big differences and concerns, and you've done it before getting married and having something like this happen down the road and possible with children.

I hope you and your fiancee come to terms with each other, regardless of what those terms are. I think it's a good thing you are attacking these problems now instead of pretending they don't exist (which is what happens in many relationships until it's too late).

Good luck.

[Katnan]

Originally Posted by RunD1987

True the Deacon hopefully can help a bit, he use to be a social worker. Might have connections of clinicians or at least it will start dialogue that will help fiancée and I address issues going on. I can't believe the wedding is little under 6 month's away. Been feeling sick in my stomach.

It's a terrible feeling but you are doing the right thing, without a doubt.

[rego00123]

Have you ever had issues before regarding your levels of focus in other areas of your life?
IE: do you feel her concerns are legitimate or if what's troubling her is all coming from her expectations being unrealistic

[cpg35223]

You're a wise person to take this step before saying I Do. Many churches require pre-wedding marriage seminars for this specific purpose.

My oldest brother was getting married about twenty years ago. Two months before the wedding he calls me and begins, "She moved out of the bedroom. What do I do?" You'd have to know my brother. He never asks advice of anyone.

I listened a few minutes. She had lots of neuroses and my brother has his own issues in life. They argued all the time over just stupid stuff.

I finally told my brother, "You know, if you postpone this wedding, nobody will think badly of you. Seriously. Because you really need to sort this out. Because, believe it or not, dating is easy compared to marriage."

In the end, he just couldn't take my advice. Instead, he went ahead with the wedding. They returned from the honeymoon and she packed her bags and left.

So in his case, a lot of premarital counseling would have been really beneficial

[metamorphosis]

While it's good that she is telling you how she feels (I felt that way in my marriage), she also needs to tell you what she needs you to do. Does she want you to bring flowers occasionally? Write a love note for her lunch? Text her at lunch just to let her know you are thinking of her? Just spend time with her?

You can't read her mind. Whatever she needs to feel valued, do it if you really do value her. There really is no point in getting married if each of you isn't the priority of the other.

[RunD1987]

We had a two hour conversation that I felt was awful. My fiancée feels ever since I proposed I shut down. I don't text her as much or call her as much as I use to. I don't, but a lot of that is due to changes in our schedule. Fiancée starting several new jobs over the year and starting nursing school. I work a rotating 3 shifts part time, but additional hours when I can, add in school, and when I am exercising don't text her. I stop texting her when she is upset at me which either she gets upset at me or cools off.

This sparked into how we differ on arguments. Where I feel if an argument is going no where and just continues to escalate walking out taking time to cool your self off clear your thoughts are important. It will help lead to resolution and avoid saying anything unregrettable. Fiancée feels if I leave an argument it's an end to the relationship.

This led to issues about time line for children, the honeymoon, and how fiancée feels I have no emotions.

When I avoid communicating with my fiancée it's to avoid hurting her.

[RunD1987]

Conversation with my fiancée:

Ive never been able to and im excited to
I just want to make a family.. and i feel like i wont be able to
The older i get the more it bothers me

Im the last one of family. My line ends with me and i just dont think ill get pregnant later.

Ill miss out on it completely

Fiancée continued on saying I won and congratulations.

It looked like we made up and then it went back to exploding again. I feel worse because now I feel I am controlling my fiancée and forcing her to follow my will.