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(This is partially a rant, but I'd appreciate some advice too if anyone reading this has any to give.)
It isn't really making much of a difference. I used to be compared by someone who dates model-looking women as a 'mouse who quickly runs in and out of a hole to get a piece of cheese', having no presence. I've suffered from severe social anxiety and found it difficult to even enter a packed super market and keep my head eye level with people.
I'm turning 24 this year. I have virtually no experience with women. I'm starting to think that, considering the majority of people my age who are even remotely physically attractive have much more experience and have had to do relatively little for those experiences, I'm probably much uglier than I thought that I was and am trying to swim upstream against a strong current. I seem to have pleasant interactions with girls where they're basically paid to be that way, yet outside of these environments I seem to be invisible, avoided, treated with kid's gloves/friend zoned.
Now, I rarely ever feel socially uncomfortable anymore. Mostly just when I'm say, at a bar where there are a lot of people around my age or slightly older, because I just go into fight-or-flight mode based on past negative experiences and I end up getting weird stares and smirks from other guys, probably just because of my appearance. The sort of reaction where a guy will see you and keep staring while smiling and nudging their friend and whispering something into their ear about your appearance, and you look away and do your own thing while you hear them softly laugh about how I look like some ugly actor or something like that. Those sorts of reactions, make me want to walk up to them and punch their nose into their brains.
Yet for some reason, in spite of my social improvement, if I ever make a move on any woman, I'm given the "sorry, I have a boyfriend" line. Could I just be that bad looking, that I misinterpret their friendliness for interest, where they would've most likely been more direct had they been interested in the first place? My social circle is virtually non-existent at 24. I don't have a facebook because it never really worked for me as a networking tool, and I didn't go to college because the job I'm on the verge of getting won't require credits. The job that I get'll just be guys my age or much older, I doubt that it's going to help in meeting women, so I don't know how I'm supposed to meet women now.
I don't believe that I'm meant for a bar setting, I just become invisible around the better looking dudes and no one seems approachable, music's too loud, etc.. And online dating, the women will all look at my profile but none respond no matter if my profile's lengthy or empty.
Anyways, as a recent example, I tried to ask out a girl at a stop on my current job. I might see this girl once a week for maybe 5 minutes if that. I wasn't even personally that physically attracted to her, I just figured she seemed nice from our interactions, seemed to smile at my goofy antics that I do to amuse myself, and I wouldn't have minded getting to know her even if just as a friend, maybe we'd get on well and some fun times could be had.
So, I asked her about this new movie that I saw. Next time I saw her, asked her if she saw it yet, then I asked if she'd want me to see it with her. She gave me the boyfriend line "sorry I have a boyfriend and I don't think he'd like that"... It was like clockwork, man, like instantly after I'd thrown the offer out there. And maybe it wasn't the best approach, but who cares? I didn't ask specifically as a date, but I guess she assumed it was meant as one. I can't blame her.
I knew the line was bull****, 'cause a week ago she shrugged her shoulders and said she had nothing to do for the weekend when I asked what her plans were.. She probably would've mentioned something about her boyfriend. Though she was nice about it (how could she not be anyway?) and even said "you've gotten a lot more confident though"... As if I was asking for her to grade my supposed level of confidence. Get out of here with that.. lol
I figure if a girl that I wasn't even really attracted to thinks she's better than me and wasn't interested, hell if I know how I'm ever going to attract someone who I actually am more interested in. They probably don't even register me at all in that way, no matter how I may be.
Had this response the several times that I'd tried asking a girl out. I don't think I've ever had a girl interested, from what it seems. I mean, I've barely had any experiences with women and the few that I've had could easily be called flukes. I think that a lot of these girls just give fake smiles and put on this facade but on the inside are probably saying "get the **** away from me, please." and there's really nothing that I can do.
What does it sound like? I believe that I'm just ugly. Multiple factors have lead me to believe this. What could I possibly do to improve my situation?
(This is partially a rant, but I'd appreciate some advice too if anyone reading this has any to give.)
It isn't really making much of a difference. I used to be compared by someone who dates model-looking women as a 'mouse who quickly runs in and out of a hole to get a piece of cheese', having no presence. I've suffered from severe social anxiety and found it difficult to even enter a packed super market and keep my head eye level with people.
I'm turning 24 this year. I have virtually no experience with women. I'm starting to think that, considering the majority of people my age who are even remotely physically attractive have much more experience and have had to do relatively little for those experiences, I'm probably much uglier than I thought that I was and am trying to swim upstream against a strong current. I seem to have pleasant interactions with girls where they're basically paid to be that way, yet outside of these environments I seem to be invisible, avoided, treated with kid's gloves/friend zoned.
Now, I rarely ever feel socially uncomfortable anymore. Mostly just when I'm say, at a bar where there are a lot of people around my age or slightly older, because I just go into fight-or-flight mode based on past negative experiences and I end up getting weird stares and smirks from other guys, probably just because of my appearance. The sort of reaction where a guy will see you and keep staring while smiling and nudging their friend and whispering something into their ear about your appearance, and you look away and do your own thing while you hear them softly laugh about how I look like some ugly actor or something like that. Those sorts of reactions, make me want to walk up to them and punch their nose into their brains.
Yet for some reason, in spite of my social improvement, if I ever make a move on any woman, I'm given the "sorry, I have a boyfriend" line. Could I just be that bad looking, that I misinterpret their friendliness for interest, where they would've most likely been more direct had they been interested in the first place? My social circle is virtually non-existent at 24. I don't have a facebook because it never really worked for me as a networking tool, and I didn't go to college because the job I'm on the verge of getting won't require credits. The job that I get'll just be guys my age or much older, I doubt that it's going to help in meeting women, so I don't know how I'm supposed to meet women now.
I don't believe that I'm meant for a bar setting, I just become invisible around the better looking dudes and no one seems approachable, music's too loud, etc.. And online dating, the women will all look at my profile but none respond no matter if my profile's lengthy or empty.
Anyways, as a recent example, I tried to ask out a girl at a stop on my current job. I might see this girl once a week for maybe 5 minutes if that. I wasn't even personally that physically attracted to her, I just figured she seemed nice from our interactions, seemed to smile at my goofy antics that I do to amuse myself, and I wouldn't have minded getting to know her even if just as a friend, maybe we'd get on well and some fun times could be had.
So, I asked her about this new movie that I saw. Next time I saw her, asked her if she saw it yet, then I asked if she'd want me to see it with her. She gave me the boyfriend line "sorry I have a boyfriend and I don't think he'd like that"... It was like clockwork, man, like instantly after I'd thrown the offer out there. And maybe it wasn't the best approach, but who cares? I didn't ask specifically as a date, but I guess she assumed it was meant as one. I can't blame her.
I knew the line was bull****, 'cause a week ago she shrugged her shoulders and said she had nothing to do for the weekend when I asked what her plans were.. She probably would've mentioned something about her boyfriend. Though she was nice about it (how could she not be anyway?) and even said "you've gotten a lot more confident though"... As if I was asking for her to grade my supposed level of confidence. Get out of here with that.. lol
I figure if a girl that I wasn't even really attracted to thinks she's better than me and wasn't interested, hell if I know how I'm ever going to attract someone who I actually am more interested in. They probably don't even register me at all in that way, no matter how I may be.
Had this response the several times that I'd tried asking a girl out. I don't think I've ever had a girl interested, from what it seems. I mean, I've barely had any experiences with women and the few that I've had could easily be called flukes. I think that a lot of these girls just give fake smiles and put on this facade but on the inside are probably saying "get the **** away from me, please." and there's really nothing that I can do.
What does it sound like? I believe that I'm just ugly. Multiple factors have lead me to believe this. What could I possibly do to improve my situation?
Yeah sounds like she was lying. Sorry man. Women can be cruel sometimes.
OP, your job isn't supposed to be a way to meet women. You're not supposed to get involved with the people you work with. Where you meet women, if you don't like the bar scene, is at community events, volunteering for non-profits (there's an election campaign coming up, and the parties will need canvassers), joining sports leagues or hiking groups, going to travel lectures at your local bookstore or recreational equipment store, and by taking classes or workshops in topics that interest you. This gives you the opportunity to mingle with women on a regular basis, so they can get to know your personality over time; it's a way to meet women that isn't as looks-based as bar-hopping or OLD. It's the shy guy's advantage (and the shy girl's, too).
Also: hang out at the cool cafe or pizza place that's popular with your age group, the film library or whatever the local 20-something hangout is. Volunteer a couple of hours/weekend at your local food co-op. Anything, just do something where women are involved!
How many woman have you asked out so far that has turned you down?
Hmm, quick replies.
Maybe 3-4? One girl was while waiting in line to register for a job, it was a long line and we spoke about mutual musical passions. I asked her if she wanted to show me around the area sometime and she talked nervously about how her boyfriend has a music studio, but gave me her email anyway. lol
I don't see the point in continuing to try and getting these negative reactions, as if I'm some sort of gross/"creepy" dude when all I'm doing is making pleasant small talk and then asking if they want to hang in some way. Only that one was more of a cold approach, and I was proud of doing it.
Another time wasn't a blatant asking out, but I did manage to get this filipino(?) girl's phone number while getting my driver's license (got it like two years ago) and sitting in the 5 hour class. While we texted back and forth in the class I text her that we should hang out and she texts me that she's 'not that kind of girl' as if I was specifically asking for sex (I did tell her that I didn't know why she assumed that hang out had to mean something sexual) but seemed like I could've probably still coaxed her into hanging out to get to know her, but I just lost interest and my phone broke shortly after that so I lost the number anyway. She actually suggested that I go with her and her family to attend mass at a church somewhere like 40 min away, it was specifically a filipino church so I'd have been the only random white atheist dude there. lol
I don't see the point in asking out every one of the few girls that I interact with briefly through my job just because I find them fairly attractive and they smile at me and my remarks out of politeness. It's just going to be ****ting where I lay, but I don't know what else to do, where else to go to meet any girls and none of them seem interested. I know how women treat an attractive guy. I'm not an attractive guy.
Don't think she was being cruel for politely letting a guy down, even if it was a white lie.
What would you say to a woman that you didn't find a bit attractive whom asked you out?
The ironic thing is that I didn't even find HER that attractive. I would personally say that I'm a more physically attractive guy than she is a girl. But then again, I'm not dating me so it's irrelevant. lol
Maybe 3-4? One girl was while waiting in line to register for a job, it was a long line and we spoke about mutual musical passions. I asked her if she wanted to show me around the area sometime and she talked nervously about how her boyfriend has a music studio, but gave me her email anyway. lol
I don't see the point in continuing to try and getting these negative reactions, as if I'm some sort of gross/"creepy" dude when all I'm doing is making pleasant small talk and then asking if they want to hang in some way. Only that one was more of a cold approach, and I was proud of doing it.
Another time wasn't a blatant asking out, but I did manage to get this filipino(?) girl's phone number while getting my driver's license (got it like two years ago) and sitting in the 5 hour class. While we texted back and forth in the class I text her that we should hang out and she texts me that she's 'not that kind of girl' as if I was specifically asking for sex (I did tell her that I didn't know why she assumed that hang out had to mean something sexual) but seemed like I could've probably still coaxed her into hanging out to get to know her, but I just lost interest and my phone broke shortly after that so I lost the number anyway. She actually suggested that I go with her and her family to attend mass at a church somewhere like 40 min away, it was specifically a filipino church so I'd have been the only random white atheist dude there. lol
I don't see the point in asking out every one of the few girls that I interact with briefly through my job just because I find them fairly attractive and they smile at me and my remarks out of politeness. It's just going to be ****ting where I lay, but I don't know what else to do, where else to go to meet any girls and none of them seem interested. I know how women treat an attractive guy. I'm not an attractive guy.
Personally, 3-4 let downs isn't a valid claim to quit trying to engage women. Try like 50-100.
The ironic thing is that I didn't even find HER that attractive. I would personally say that I'm a more physically attractive guy than she is a girl. But then again, I'm not dating me so it's irrelevant. lol
I hear ya. It's a blow to the ego when a less attractive girl shoots you down.
Somewhat recently, I started talking to a girl that was just so-so. She didn't fit any of the criteria I was looking for, but she seemed nice so I figured I'd give it a shot. Never replied to my text.
My initial thought was that I was doing her a favor (since I'm out of her league). Definitely a bruise to the ego.
The takeaway for me was to stop asking out women that aren't very attractive. If a hot girl does this to me, it's not really an ego blow for some reason.
Another interesting note is that I've found that approaches work much better with attractive women. I'm not sure why. Maybe the less attractive ones think I'm just looking to sleep with them?
Some women will use that "I have a boyfriend" line just because.
Actually, I had a girl approach me later telling me she broke up with her boyfriend. So, I f you can be patient and keep the door open you may still have a shot at her.
"I have a boyfriend."
"What's his name?"
"Ummmm....R-icky."
"Cool. Ricky is a very lucky guy."
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