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I'm in my late 20s now and see a woman in her early 30s. It started off as a hookup and transitioned into seeing each other 1 to 3 times a week with occasional sleepovers and road trips over the last 2 months.
I've payed for all of our dates and road trips, including hotel stays at resorts, fuel, food, tickets for events, etc. I think I make more money than her, but I won't ask since its not my business. I'm concerned that I set the expectation that I will pay for everything.
How do I set the expectation that I want her to start paying her fair share for some of our dates, trips, and encounters? I don't care about having a 50/50 split, but chipping in for fuel, hotels, dates, food, etc would be great.
I find this a bit stunning. What adult doesn't at least try to pay part? Does she even reach for her wallet?
I think the conversation can go like this, "I really enjoy your company, but don't have an unlimited entertainment budget. I need you to start sharing the load a bit." or "Last month I looked at how much I've been spending on our dates and realized I'm way over what I've budgeted. We need to start sharing some of the expenses."
How's the relationship otherwise? This smacks of entitlement to me and I'd be surprised if you're not seeing that elsewhere too.
Ouch. You did set that expectation, but her lack of reciprocation would have gotten on my nerves too. Can you stop doing things that cost money? Netflix and chill? If she starts asking why you don't take her places, you could lightly say that you've overspent and can't keep paying for everything by yourself. She might be okay with not spending money at all; for instance, maybe she's paying down debt and has little pocket money. Or maybe she's on the clueless side and doesn't know she's been a bit spoiled. If she gets mad, though, that you are no longer financing her entertainment and she expects that you pay all the time, a pouty and cold attitude will rapidly arise.
I find this a bit stunning. What adult doesn't at least try to pay part? Does she even reach for her wallet?
I think the conversation can go like this, "I really enjoy your company, but don't have an unlimited entertainment budget. I need you to start sharing the load a bit." or "Last month I looked at how much I've been spending on our dates and realized I'm way over what I've budgeted. We need to start sharing some of the expenses."
How's the relationship otherwise? This smacks of entitlement to me and I'd be surprised if you're not seeing that elsewhere too.
I agree with all of this and particularly the part about reviewing expenses, being overbudget and sharing expenses. Sad that an adult needs to be told that though.
I find this a bit stunning. What adult doesn't at least try to pay part? Does she even reach for her wallet?
That's what my reaction was. She's going to keep expecting you to pay, it's the pattern now, and I suspect that's her personality. She wants someone to take care of her. You've been ok with that until now, did something else happen to make you suspicious of the situation, do you feel like you're being used?
This is a tough one! My boyfriend set the same expectation early on. I offered to go Dutch on the first few dates (even tried to buy both movie tickets for one of our early dates) and he insisted, no, he wanted to pay. So I gave up trying. That said I do things in the relationship that cost money indirectly. He comes over my house to grill for example and I buy the food and propane for the grill. But he really does spend a lot more on me than I do on him. He's always the one to buy dinner, but tickets to things, drive and buy gas, etc.
I'm trying to think of a way, if my boyfriend were in the OP's situation how he could ask me to pay more. I think just being honest and asking me would work. I won't lie, I'd be a bit put off since I'm spoiled now and used to the way things are. But that feeling would be short lived since I understand and can empathize. I'd start chipping in and soon we'd have a new pattern. But I don't have as much money as my boyfriend, so I couldn't keep up our current dating/spending. It would be more "Netflix and chill" dates. But if he's okay with that, so am I.
So that's my advice. Be upfront, clear and honest. Expect that she might not like the idea, but if she's really into you, she will adjust. But also be open to cutting back on the spending because she might not have the budget for keeping up the same pattern. And good luck!
Her accepting all your generosity without ever helping you is a huge red flag.
I would think she would do her part to level the playing field.
"I got the parking ticket since you are driving."
"Let me buy our lunch since you bought the tickets."
Those are things you should hear.
It's going to be a long silent pause when you pull up to a gas pump and not get out of the car.
(Staring at the steering wheel)
"Is everything ok?"
"I ran out of gas and money. This is where it ends."
Here's what could happen;
"Are you kidding me? I'm calling my friend to get me!!"
Or
"Oh...here, let me give you some gas money."
If it's $5 then dump her.
If it's a $20 then give her one more date.
If she gets out of the car, puts a card in and pumps a full tank of gas, gets back in the car and smiles at you then she's a keeper!!!
I'm in my late 20s now and see a woman in her early 30s. It started off as a hookup and transitioned into seeing each other 1 to 3 times a week with occasional sleepovers and road trips over the last 2 months.
I've payed for all of our dates and road trips, including hotel stays at resorts, fuel, food, tickets for events, etc. I think I make more money than her, but I won't ask since its not my business. I'm concerned that I set the expectation that I will pay for everything.
How do I set the expectation that I want her to start paying her fair share for some of our dates, trips, and encounters? I don't care about having a 50/50 split, but chipping in for fuel, hotels, dates, food, etc would be great.
PAID. Sheesh.
Talk to her. Tell her you enjoy her company but feel that the two of you should be sharing expenses. Have a conversation. If the only reason she is hanging around, is for the money, then it will be splitsville. And if that happens, then you are better off.
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