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Seems she was kind of quick to take a break from the relationship. From my experience, "breaks" are brought up so that someone can go cheat and use the excuse of "we were on a break, so it doesnt count." Move on if someone cant handle being told the truth. Good thing you found out that she cant before your got married.
This makes me sad. We live in a society where women are always expected to be perfect. We always have to make sure we have good make up on, be fashionable and not gain more than 5 pounds, sorry but s*** happenes and life doesn't work out that way. If men freak out about a woman gaining a few pounds from eating then what will men do when you have children? Cheat or dump your significant other for gaining 50 pounds, for having stretch marks, for their boobs changing? What about growing old with someone or is that thrown out of the window as well because people tend to gain some weight as they get older. Anyway to make matters worse, there are men out there who want women to look perfect and get plastic surgery here or there, tan their skin or change their hair color. Why does everything have to be superficial? We are humans not f****** robots.
I am the kind of person that won't be with someone if they don't accept me the way I am. I won't change my appearance for anyone. How come some men don't make an effort either and just throw on a cap and big t shirt with stains but yet we can still love the person the way they are and if women don't wear eye liner for 1 day or week for get about it, all hell breaks loose. I know that in a way, people shouldn't let go of making an effort to look but that doesn't mean either that we are supposed to look like models all of the damn time. Actually most of the models are anorexic these days so society is trying to teach us to be unhealthy by starving ourselves because that is considered hot. Well if that's the case I rather be a few pounds over than starve, it's not healthy at all. The models in the 90's were healthier. They were skinny or curvy, they weren't sickly looking.
I see what you're saying, but I guess the difference here is that I'd be happy to make my gf happier if she wanted me to wear a certain type of shoes (assuming they're not ridiculous) or shirt, or whatever. And if she said I'd be sexier if I had a six pack, you can bet your *** I'd work hard to attain one if I knew it made her more sexually attracted to me AND I loved the girl.
I've been in a relationship for over 2 years. I remember the early days when I would try to get up before he did and brush my teeth, fix my hair, etc. so he wouldn't see me not perfect. Yup, those days are over thankfully! I think it's important to try to maintain your appearance over the course of a relationship. If one person gains 50 pounds in a year and takes to wearing sweat pants every day that isn't cool. But it's natural to sometimes put on some weight during a time of stress. It gets tougher the older you get and what about when she has kids? Her body won't be the same no matter what. Believe me girlfriend knew she gained some weight. She was probably a bit depressed and not feeling overly confident about herself and you validated all her bad feelings about herself. There were so many better ways you could have phrased what you were thinking.
I think you should prepare for the relationship to be over. She is going to always be paranoid now around you. She doesn't feel like putting on makeup today...are you going to be judging her? She just wants to wear sweatpants today...are you going to have an issue with that? Yeah she is probably going to tell her friends what you said and they're all going to advise her to dump you. I know I would if my friend told me this story. There's not much you can do but use this as a learning experience.
I get a little of what Byron has indicated. He takes personal pride in his appearance, which takes work, and has a hard time understanding why his S/O doesn't feel the same way. Part of that has to do with self-esteem and self-respect and a desire to maintain it.
Both my wife and I have an issue maintaining our ideal weight as we move towards and into our 50's. We both want to do better, not only for ourselves, but for each other. If what we are doing doesn't work, we work together to find a solution. Sometimes it works for both of us and sometimes it doesn't. But the fact is, we are trying. When we are not out with people, we really don't care much about how the other is dressed. She doesn't wear makeup anyhow (doesn't need it), but I wouldn't ask her to do so if that wasn't something she wanted.
It sounds like the S/O sees things a little differently. That's the area to be explored. The added weight is not the problem, it's a symptom.
Whereas the OP sees the weight as a loss of respect for him and self-respect for her, she does not view it the same way. Or, if she does, she doesn't know how to fix it.
There needs to be a discussion about priorities. If she is frustrated with her weight gain, she should turn to her partner and see if they can help each other. If not, seek the help of a professional (nutritionist? trainer?). If she doesn't consider her appearance to be an issue, then they may have issues that affect the core of their relationship. Better to find that out now.
Her running away from the problem is an issue in and of itself. That still sounds like a self-esteem issue, to me. While I would consider she reacted badly, I would concentrate on the core of the issue, first.
Over the last couple of months, I've gotten the impression that our relationship has entered into the "I'm really comfortable with you now" phase, which, for the most part, is a great phase to be in. We can just be ourselves around each other, which is a beautiful thing. However, I've noticed that my gf doesn't get dolled up nearly as much as she used to, and has put on a few pounds. I've tried to encourage her by complimenting her a lot when she looks good and supporting healthy eating and consistent workouts (I've gone running with her a few times).
All that being said, it's put a bit of a damper on our sex life. We just got back from a 4-day vacation, and did not have sex once. I noticed on our trip that it appeared she'd gained a bit more weight and was often wearing baggy clothes, had messy hair, etc. Put simply, I did not find myself as sexually attracted to the woman I initially met.
I really love about her: what's inside. And I hope she can find it in her heart to give me a second chance.
So you lost interest in sex because she isn't pretty enough anymore. But if she takes your apology, you'll be suddenly more attracted again, despite the weight that is still there?
When we got back from our trip, my gf asked if everything between us was OK. I told her what was on my mind, that I thought she'd started to let herself go a bit. I immediately regretted saying that, because she did not take it well at all. She explained that she knows this all too well, and that she's her own worst critic. I apologized profusely, but it was too late. She then proceeded to cry for much of the night, and told me in the morning she wants a one-week break.
My plan is to do some soul-searching this week and to give her the space she needs. I am also meeting with my therapist this week and will share this all with him. I really hope I can find it in myself to focus on what I really love about her: what's inside. And I hope she can find it in her heart to give me a second chance.
So you told your girl friend of something that is bothering you and her response was some vague statement about being her own worst critic? And then she staged a drama of crying all night and wanted a break from you? Your only apology is if you were rude or in her face about what you told her. In any sane relationship, you should be able to tactfully discuss what is bothering you about your partner without all this staged drama.
But if this is going to be response for any personal concern you might have in the future then you are probably better off without her. She sounds like a manipulative and unstable person. And really you don't want to be a doormat constantly apologizing for everything and begging for her to come back. Your only possible apology would be if you were rude about expressing your concerns. You have done nothing wrong about discussing what is bothering you...
So you lost interest in sex because she isn't pretty enough anymore. But if she takes your apology, you'll be suddenly more attracted again, despite the weight that is still there?
I wouldn't say that, no. I think in large part, I've taken for granted all of the truly amazing things about our relationship. Now that we are potentially on the brink, I am seeing all of these things and realizing that my love for her is about far more than looks alone.
If she were to accept my apology, I would stop focusing on the weight/looks and focus more on understanding her, making her feel less stressed, and being healthier together. In other words, I would focus on the root of why things may have changed in the first place, and work together with her to make these things better. If that's a wrong approach, let me know.
I wouldn't say that, no. I think in large part, I've taken for granted all of the truly amazing things about our relationship. Now that we are potentially on the brink, I am seeing all of these things and realizing that my love for her is about far more than looks alone.
If she were to accept my apology, I would stop focusing on the weight/looks and focus more on understanding her, making her feel less stressed, and being healthier together. In other words, I would focus on the root of why things may have changed in the first place, and work together with her to make these things better. If that's a wrong approach, let me know.
Some of the responses in this thread...just wow.
Bryon redeemed himself here with this post.
For the d-bags: If I were his gf I would have heard "My love for you is slipping because you have messy hair and some extra pounds. The fact you are loyal, loving, and great to be around means zero...because I don't want to bang you as much as before. Your value is in how much sexual attraction I have for you... not of your character and how good you are to me." That and she already was feeling upset about the changes she was going through, just...wow.
And some ppl here are telling her how manipulative and unstable she is. Just, wow.
Women are constantly reminded culturally we have sexual value and nothing else...then our beloved only solidifies that. Just...wow.
If you all want a loyal life partner and children with that partner you will have to get over yourselves.
For the d-bags: If I were his gf I would have heard "My love for you is slipping because you have messy hair and some extra pounds. The fact you are loyal, loving, and great to be around means zero...because I don't want to bang you as much as before. Your value is in how much sexual attraction I have for you... not of your character and how good you are to me." That and she already was feeling upset about the changes she was going through, just...wow.
And some ppl here are telling her how manipulative and unstable she is. Just, wow.
Women are constantly reminded culturally we have sexual value and nothing else...then our beloved only solidifies that. Just...wow.
If you all want a loyal life partner and children with that partner you will have to get over yourselves.
No... just wow at the fact that she can't stop from becoming a drama queen when she asked him what was bothering her and he told her.
If you want loyal life partner, you need to be able to have open and honest communication about what you are feeling.
The only other alternative is to keep your feelings hidden and let the resentment build up.
For the d-bags: If I were his gf I would have heard "My love for you is slipping because you have messy hair and some extra pounds. The fact you are loyal, loving, and great to be around means zero...because I don't want to bang you as much as before. Your value is in how much sexual attraction I have for you... not of your character and how good you are to me." That and she already was feeling upset about the changes she was going through, just...wow.
And some ppl here are telling her how manipulative and unstable she is. Just, wow.
Women are constantly reminded culturally we have sexual value and nothing else...then our beloved only solidifies that. Just...wow.
If you all want a loyal life partner and children with that partner you will have to get over yourselves.
Yeah, I agree with your post 100%. And I don't believe for a minute that people wouldn't react in a similar fashion to the girlfriend if they were told that "I'm not attracted to you anymore because of your weight." Weight is something that she can work on but the result won't be immediate unless she does something unhealthy. It's not like changing her hair color. Until the weight is resolved, she will be worried about him judging her, wondering if he is going to be led astray by the hot and hard bodied chick at work, etc.
I think OP has the right to speak his mind but he doesn't have the right to expect to keep a relationship going after this.
BTW, OP -- it may very well be that the lack of physical desire for her may not have anything to do with her weight. When I was single, I ran into an old boyfriend who I had broken up with about 3 months earlier. He said, "Wow, you look fantastic...it looks like have been working out a lot." The irony was I weighed EXACTLY the same as I did when we broke up, had not been to the gym in weeks, and was not wearing a cute outfit. His unhappiness with our relationship when we were together obviously tainted his judgement about my appearance.
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