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First of all, I apologize for the length but I wanted to lay out a clear picture… My husband and I have been having some serious relationship issues ever since our first was born and he assumed the role of SAHD. There are many issues w/ this arrangement, mainly that I’d prefer to stay at home and he supposedly would rather work, and that I don’t feel he’s living up to his responsibilities. Add to all of this that I’m 6.5 months pregnant and it’s really not a good situation to say the least. I’d like some input as to whether or not I’m being unreasonable or as he recently summarized it that I’m “destroying our family due to being neurotic about dishes,” or something to that effect; I really don’t think he’s seeing the big picture here.
Up until last month when he was laid off, he worked about 10 hours a week (sometimes a bit less) from home while I work 40 hours in both the office and at home. Since I work from home in the afternoons and especially since I’m pregnant, I need to be able to make myself frequent snacks throughout the day. However, the dishes from breakfast on are usually still in the sink when I go to bed at night. They are mainly done by morning, but this does not help me during the day. When I try to do anything in the kitchen, I literally cannot find the countertop, amongst dirty dishes, trash that never made its way into the garbage can, a dirty bib crumpled in a ball, compost items that never made it the compost, a dirty high chair tray, etc. So doing the dishes after 10pm really doesn’t work for me, but to him, I’m neurotic and it’s perfectly reasonable that as long as he does them, he can do them on his own time. He’s also told me that my working from home isn’t working too well for him, but I’m much more comfortable during pregnancy in this partial WFH arrangement so I really don’t think that’s fair. It’s hard enough to work four 10-hour days as it is.
We had a similar disagreement over cloth diapering which I suppose is now resolved. I felt that it was fair to assume that whoever was home with our daughter would spray the diapers, but after having maggots (yes, maggots) appear twice due to my husband’s negligence, I decided to take that upon myself every night. Again, he doesn’t understand why I just don’t let him do it on his own time…
Then there are the projects… to be fair, he has way too much on his plate all the time with home and car maintenance and repairs, but he’s decided to take it all on – simultaneously, which is a big problem. He’s been painting the exterior of the house coming up on a year now (it’s almost 75% done), renovating the kitchen since our 20-month old was born (started w/ repainting cabinets and that’s where we still are – again maybe 75% done w/ drawers and cabinets missing), and multiple other projects. Tools and other parts are always all over the house which needless to say is annoying to me but also not a great idea with a toddler. I thought with his being out of a job entirely for the past month it would be a great opportunity to wrap things up but no real progress has been made. Hours have been spent on painting the house but he’s still on the same side due to perfectionism to a ridiculous extent.
Lastly, there’s the very obvious factor that he’s miserable being at home, which is written all over his face when I get home each day and also apparent by the resentment he displays towards me when I bring any of this to his attention – his response is I’m neurotic, all I care about is dishes, I’m a lunatic, etc. etc. I try and try to help since I would love to switch roles but it just doesn’t seem to be going to happen. I thought we were making progress due to his being laid off while I’m pregnant and this seeming like the perfect time to make the “switch” but then I’m met w/ a response the other day that really blew me away - that if I think he’s going to be able to get a job that pays enough for me to stay home, I better not get my hopes up. I really don’t make very much money so the fact that he thinks there’s no way he could pull in that amount just makes me feel hopeless; if he doesn’t believe it, it won’t happen for sure. The divorce topic has now come up several times and although it’s the last thing I want, especially now that our second is due very soon, I’m at a loss. Talking doesn’t help since everything is my fault in his eyes and I’m just out to get him. Any thoughts or suggestions?? Am I being unreasonable?
So ... he won't do the normal minimum sanitation chores that are required when you have small kids in the house, and he won't even TRY to go back to work because he claims he can't make enough for YOU to stay home and do the chores?
It sounds like he's holding you hostage just by naysaying.
I personally would not tolerate my husband calling me a lunatic on top of all that.
If possible, the two of you need to sit down and prioritize projects and chores. Basic sanitation, of course, needs to come first. No new projects should start until the existing ones are finished.
I think a counselor is needed at this point. Each of you needs to decide how you view an ideal future within your existing parameters.
Adding children to this mix is not helping, but is what it is.
I think you two are spiraling down the divorce drain and need to check yourselves up quickly to prevent that.
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How old is your daughter, and is she being properly cared for? I think as long as he's holding up that end of the deal, you need to brainstorm some ways to cut down on the amount of housework being generated. Disposable diapers, paper plates, all of that wasteful disposable stuff has its place.
Thanks for everyone's feedback so far. Ms. Mathlete, to answer your question, she's almost 20 months and I believe she's being properly cared for, although there are some frustrating aspects of that as well. For ex., when I come home around 3pm, she's usually still in her pajamas. My goal is to give her 2-3 baths per week (I know many do every day but I don't think it's necessary), but instead I find myself only bathing on her the weekend most of the time because he doesn't get to it, etc. To be fair, I don't think I stated that he does make breakfast and dinner for us each day and does the food shopping on the weekend, so he is very helpful in those regards. Granted, I make much of our daughter's food ahead of time and freeze it to make things easier, plus I take care of mainly all household chores on the weekend with my daughter around which is quite difficult. We are extremely health/environment conscience so unfortunately, I just can't bring myself to go the whole disposable products route, hence why I took over cleaning diapers at night. He is currently going to therapy so that's a start, hoping to work on his lack of career development, but no real progress so far.
I guess it's really the fact that he can't do the basics of household requests 4 days a week and that he makes our home uncomfortable for me that's really frustrating, plus whenever I bring it to his attention I'm a terrible nag, a neurotic crazy pregnant woman - never that I have valid concerns, just that I'm never pleased with him. If he could just work on that and get some initiative and lose the self-defeatism on the job front, we'd be in good shape. So sometimes I feel I must be overreacting but I just can't help but get upset often about the situation, especially when he's nasty to me. Maybe it really is mainly the pregnancy hormones, I just can't even tell anymore.
Seems like this arrangement is not working. I don't think it will get any better by adding more children. Not sure why you needed to get pregnant again and make matters worse.
Maybe he should apply for jobs. Put the child in daycare. Don't work from home where the mess is. Try not to make more children.
Oh God. Sorry but I can't live like that. Don't you have a dishwasher? And please use a disposable diaper. Like America is full of automated and disposable anything that I can't fathom how you can live in filth like that, that even maggots appear in your house. I would have thrown that diaper by the way. I would not risk my baby having maggots near it.
It's actually what I liked about my husband he cleans up after himself like IMMEDIATELY! I can't say the same for the bro who live with us, though. Ugh.
By the way OP when I read this:
We are extremely health/environment conscience so unfortunately, I just can't bring myself to go the whole disposable products route, hence why I took over cleaning diapers at night.
I was like... Are you kidding me?!! If you are health conscious then why can't you wash your dishes IMMEDIATELY after use? And why do you live in filth? And what you are doing is actually harmful for the environment I would suggest you buy disposable anything. Start with disposable paper plates and cups and diapers... PLEASE.
Oh God. Sorry but I can't live like that. Don't you have a dishwasher? And please use a disposable diaper. Like America is full of automated and disposable anything that I can't fathom how you can live in filth like that, that even maggots appear in your house. I would have thrown that diaper by the way. I would not risk my baby having maggots near it.
It's actually what I liked about my husband he cleans up after himself like IMMEDIATELY! I can't say the same for the bro who live with us, though. Ugh.
By the way OP when I read this:
We are extremely health/environment conscience so unfortunately, I just can't bring myself to go the whole disposable products route, hence why I took over cleaning diapers at night.
I was like... Are you kidding me?!! If you are health conscious then why can't you wash your dishes IMMEDIATELY after use? And why do you live in filth? And what you are doing is actually harmful for the environment I would suggest you buy disposable anything. Start with disposable paper plates and cups and diapers... PLEASE.
They are paper so you can recycle them.
Amen! Health conscious yet got to the point of maggots.
And the daughter is being cared for? Nope.
Dad doesn't want to work, barely caring for anything & in therapy but let's have another! Good Lord.
OP, did I read correctly that you said when your husband worked, he only worked 10 hrs./week? And he worked from home? So nothing has really changed by his getting laid off; he was a stay-at-home before, and he still is, now. So I don't understand this "switch" you're saying you want to pull off. If he were to go back to work, the situation wouldn't look much different than it does now, unless he got a regular 9 to 5 job.
You married a guy who only worked 10 hrs./week? And now you're upset about that? There must be some blanks in the picture here, that you can fill in for us. I'm having trouble getting my mind around this.
Why are you two having a second child so soon? Was that planned?
There's not enough info to go on here, but my guess is that your husband hasn't changed from the guy you dated and decided to marry and start a family with. It's just that as responsibilities grow, you're finding out that he has limitations. Those were probably always there, but you're only noticing them now.
One thing you could do about his failure to maintain a sanitary and safe home (tools and stuff lying around the house? That's very dangerous with a toddler) is to call the Health Department on your own home, and let the cards fall where they may.
I think SAHD situation, if semi permanent, is really an impossible arrangement for a lot of men. I would suggest you put younger daughter in day care, she is old enough. It may better for her then staying in a very tense situation at home. Encourage your husband to look for a job. I would also prioritize projects so that they are outside of the house so that he is not getting on your nerves and perhaps sees other people. And try to negotiate about chores so that there is a reasonable compromise...
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