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Yeah, not much you can do about it. When I was really young that stuff bothered me, but as I got older you just have to accept that people have a past and sometimes that past doesn't line up with your values or morals or code of conduct, how ever you wanna label it. Either accept it or move on. It doesn't really bother me that much anymore. I still don't wanna know all the gory details though. Know that most woman you are gonna be with have probably have done just about everything you can think of already with another man, as Chris Rock says, you ain't planting no flag.
Joking aside, accept it or move on, no point in staying and brow beating her for it.
My girlfriend told me some pretty kinky stuff about her past a few months ago. I didn't ask, she just blurted them out.
I now know she has participated in orgies before. I now know she was the submissive in an hardcore S&D relationship. I even know some details about that last one.
The best way of looking at this is that she trusts you and trusts the relationship. If she didn't, you never would have heard a word about it.
The best way of looking at this is that she trusts you and trusts the relationship. If she didn't, you never would have heard a word about it.
That is definitely "the best way" to look at this, but he said they had just met when she "blurted" all that info out, so it sounds more like she was either showing off or just has really poor judgment and she unloaded that on him the first day.
And I can't help but play in my mind all the little details that come with these.
Well the first step in getting past this is to identify exactly why it is that it is bothering you at all. There are many people - like me - who would not be bothered at all by it. People's sexual history is interesting and even fun to me - but not something that would bother me in any way usually.
Some people on here who know why it would bother _them_ will think this is some kind of no-brainer question - because they assume the reasons it would bother _them_ have to be the same reasons it bothers _you_.
But that does not have to be the case. The reasons it bothers you could be very different or very individual from theirs. So ask yourself what your actual issue is here. Because until you diagnose the problem - there is little point in us prescribing a treatment.
What might also be interesting - even important - to explore is why she felt the need to tell you. The language you use to describe it - like "blurt" - suggests this need was building up in her and exploded. So behind _what_ she told you is a set of reasons as to _why_ she told you. And there might be something important at play there. Anything from a hope to continue such kinkyness with you - up to a genuine cry for help in working through a past she is having issues with. It could be anything.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thomas Lieven
Accepting or forgetting are not necessarily choices. You are 100% right on that second part. We all prefer not to know.
There is no "we all" about it. Many of us do not care one way or another. And many of us actively _do_ want to know. Again getting into this line of thinking that your issues with it are the same as everyone else's - will be the first step to failure.
I fall on that spectrum as someone who very much likes to - but in no way needs to - know my partners sexual history. I am not bothered or put out if I do not - but I hold a genuine hope to find out.
Other people _need_ to know - and other people _need_ to not know. It is highly varied. There are even some people who _need_ to know but do not _want_ to know. They tend to get a bit messed up no matter which way things go. I am glad not to be one of those myself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thomas Lieven
Well for now I decided to use NLP to get over it. For ****s sake, I am taking this way too seriously.
Assuming you mean Neuro Linguistic Programming - do be careful there. While there are some genuine and even useful principles at play in that area - it is also an area very heavily fraught with charlatans - frauds - merchants of woo - and malicious crooks.
But there is no reason to worry about taking it seriously. Introspection as to what is bothering you and why - and how to move forward past it - can be genuinely informative and transformative. It can help you grow and learn about yourself and more. Just because you are you - does not mean you know you. We all have things to learn about ourselves. And strong reactions to previously un-experienced inputs and scenarios are one very useful way to do it.
So see this not as a problem - or a sickness - or an issue. See it as a learning and growing opportunity. One that - as a bonus - has the side benefit of some pretty variable sexual fun.
Attempt to identify why the her choice to volunteer this information and content and choices of her past exploits hits you in a negative manner and come to an understanding for yourself why this bothers you and if it affects the future.
Until you identify why this bothers you, you cannot make informed choices on "what" you should be doing with the information you have received.
Sometimes it can be hard to fully disseminate things, in that case I would just say to follow your gut...our gut reactions always serve to protect us.
What others feel is Right, wrong or indifference doesn't matter to how this affects you.
As such, they cannot answer these questions for you.
Last edited by rego00123; 02-23-2017 at 02:23 PM..
Hey guys. Pretty new to the forum so if I am doing something wrong just let me know.
Anyway, I need some perspective.
My girlfriend told me some pretty kinky stuff about her past a few months ago. I didn't ask, she just blurted them out.
I now know she has participated in [snip]. I now know she was [snip]. I even know some details about that last one.
And I can't help but play in my mind all the little details that come with these. I am not prude in any way. I am in my 30s and have a very colourful story of my own. I have never felt actual jealousy in my life, let alone about something in the past. I just wish I didn't know these details. Every now and then, if I am not feeling spectacular about myself these episodes just start playing in my mind.
Its killing me because I love her and we have a wonderful relationship. If anyone out there has a mental frame that can help me deal with this, I would be much appreciate to hear it.
Here is how I see it
What she did was in her past. As long as she's only getting kinky with me while we're together it's really not my issue what she did prior.
You have a good relationship with this woman? Has she given you any reason to believe she's straying? Is she judging you on your past adventures? If she's faithful, doesn't judge youand you love each other why are you letting something in her past dictate your present and future. Unless she's hinting that she wants to go back into that lifestyle.........????. Too many get hung up about what a partener did in their past.
Everybody has a past. My lady and I have shared things from our past. We don't keep secrets, and the general rule is "if you don't want to know or are going to judge...don't ask!" Personally, these things don't bother either of us. What happened, happened, and there's no shame in it. Something that happened 15-20 years ago, has no bearing on here and now. What happened with other people before we became a couple doesn't effect our relationship.
Truthfully, I never asked and didn't care about her past, nor she mine. We talked about some stuff in passing conversation, but our main focus ha always been on us, now, not any exes, then, or things that happened in our young party days. My ex wife and hr usd to be friends. Used to party together and go on the prowl. So, since my ex is a nasty and vindictive *****, she tried to use things she know about us both to drive a wedge when she remained friends with me after the divorce and when we became a couple she went pig simple with things.Since she figured she had "dirt" on both of us, and decided to use the things she knew as a weapon, talking about our pasts then became a necessity. Still, we just laughed about it.
It's not as if these ...experiences...were happening in the here and now behind each others backs. Truly, there is nothing that either of us may have done on the sexual playground in the past that would make us feel any differently about each other. speaking just for myself, I love her and appreciate her so much, I can't envision that changing just because of a past sexual fling. Kinky or not. Everyone gets to be young once. All that matters now is what we have and share together. So, we both did some wild stuff back in the day. I can't see letting that ruin what we have now. We both played on different playgrounds before we got together.
If this bothers you so much OP, (and I pity you for that in all honesty) all I can suggest is either coming to grips with it and realizing the past is the past , or moving on. But good luck finding a w
lady who doesn't have a past. Maybe think about your own past a little. Take a look even at some of the things you may have thought about, entertained that thought even if you didn't actually take it to reality. If this lady means anything to you the past shouldn't matter. Oh, I suppose I can see how certain things might raise your eyebrows. Envisioning the lady your involved with in certain situations could be...unnerving. I'll admit to a level of surprise about parts of my lady's sexual past. That's called getting to know each other. Getting to the real person and not some picture of them that's been painted in our heads.
Sounds to me as if she's trying to let you see HER, the real her, which I would take as a gesture of very high trust. Personally, I am happy to be in love with the real person my lady is, not some image. Try looking at it that way. IDK, maybe that will help.
I told mine about a past sexual skeleton that I had in my closet (LOL that didn't sound right!), during a 5.5 hour car ride once. She laughed about it and said she didn't care.
I felt weird when I woke up the next morning. I was like ''Why did I tell her that?'' haha.
If you love this lady, realize that she is the sum of her experiences. If she wasn't the type to try a little experimenting, you probably wouldn't have been so attracted to her. Learn to love and appreciate her past, as it's what has made her what she is.
My wife, and my late wife before her, both had "colorful" sexual histories. I enjoyed hearing about them, for the most part; however, my current wife doesn't like to talk about her sexual past these days, so that's the end of it. My late wife before her was another story. She was up for anything I wanted to try... knowing I'm fairly conservative. NOTHING either of them told me or might tell me in the future would make me jealous, as long as it took place before we met. Hookers? I wouldn't care. Porn stars? I want the movies! Orgies? Them too?
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