Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
This thread just reminded me of some activities I have heard about in abstinence education. People having had sex outside of marriage being compared to a chewed up piece of gum, a piece of tape that's lost its stickiness, or a lollipop that's already been licked. I feel bad for assault and sexual abuse survivors that have to hear stuff like this.
This thread just reminded me of some activities I have heard about in abstinence education. People having had sex outside of marriage being compared to a chewed up piece of gum, a piece of tape that's lost its stickiness, or a lollipop that's already been licked. I feel bad for assault and sexual abuse survivors that have to hear stuff like this.
In the case of rape and abuse victims this stigma is especially hurtful. This I know first hand as my lady was the victim of a violent attempted rape and a subsequent assault as well. I can't even imagine how I would react to someone referring to her in a manner such as we are discussing. It's hard enough for victims like that to not think of themselves like that, and societal views that support that don't help.
During the course of therapy and counseling we went through together, and of course the police investigations and the whole court thing, I really found out just how non victim oriented things really are. The 'system" talks a real good game about how victims have nothing to fear, be brave and come forward, face their attackers, and my favorite "we are here to help you". It's hard enough on people that have had to endure a nasty divorce and have vindictive exes and such not to get labeled as damaged goods sexual assault/rape victims literally have to walk through fire in how society and the "system" treat them. Many of these victims wind up on their own facing that beast. Because of that whole "it's to much work to stay" thing so if they have a husband or SO the latter just bail on them.
That standing with someone through the aftermath of sexual assault is hard, that goes without say. It's a serious understatement. But justifying leaving by saying the victim is "tainted" (oh I've heard that one a few times) or damaged goods...I find that to be the take of a sniveling coward who wouldn't know lov if it locked them in a stranglehold. You might be amazed at just how much more common it is for people to justify abandoning an SO who has been victimized using the tainted excuse rather than even put in just a little effort. I've seen people just get up and walk out of group sessions when their wife, or otherwise SO was totally falling apart. It was just "to much for them". ummm...ok, wtfe.
yes, the whole "damaged goods" thing is more common than one woul think. Wht you said earlier about having had people tell you they would have sex with someone who is bi polar, or otherwise ill,or with a seual assault victim etc, but wouldn't become "involved" beyond that is pretty common too. And that is just flat contemptuous to me. If a victim of sexual assault has sex with someone, it is usually because their trust has been gained somehow. I think you see where I'm going with that.
I wouldn't say someone is damaged goods.. But many people are naive and uneducated about life and thus making dumb choices when it comes to dating. A lot of people will usually say "She or he just made a mistake when they were younger, everyone does it." No they don't (I sure didn't) and that's dodging personal responsibility for your actions.
Some people believe they're entitled to a quality life partner that will magically forgive their pasts mistakes, nobody is entitled to a happily ever after, at some point... We all need to live to with the consequences of our choices in life. And yes....that could mean you'll single forever.
Last edited by 49ersfan27; 03-20-2017 at 10:37 AM..
That's a very insightful post 49ersfan. While we all parameters that we can and can not live by, we should also treat each other in respectful and kind ways. I would never tell someone that I wanted to break up with that they're damaged goods. I would just say that I was sorry but it just isn't working for me. Then I'd go back and tell my girlfriends that he was damaged goods, and a wack job. That's what I did to a friend that I couldn't handle being friends with anymore. I was very kind to her about it and then I told another friend that she was just too loosey in the head for me. A very accurate description btw. You're right that nobody is entitled a happily ever after 49er. Happy relations have to be earned, and yes there are indeed wack jobs and damaged beyond repair people out there. I just don't see the need to kick them when they're down. Be nice and then go talk about them behind their backs like normal people do.
I wouldn't say someone is damaged goods.. But many people are naive and uneducated about life and thus making dumb choices when it comes to dating. A lot of people will usually say "She or he just made a mistake when they were younger, everyone does it." No they don't (I sure didn't) and that's dodging personal responsibility for your actions.
Some people believe they're entitled to a quality life partner that will magically forgives their pasts mistakes, nobody is entitled to a happily ever after, at some point... We all need to live to with the consequences of our choices in life. And yes....that could mean you'll single forever.
Sooo, ...never mind. Moving along, Insofar as my past, mistakes or otherwise, and that of my lady as well, we both have done things we aren't proud of now that seemed like a good thing at the time. Speaking just from the standpoint of me to her so far as her past is concerned there is nothing to forgive. And that would be in the event I have any right to judge to begin with. That door swings both ways. We both were in abusive relationships, both carry scars, both of us had our share of different sexual partners what have you.
So what "dumb choices" when it comes to dating is it that you feel someone need beg forgiveness for from a new relationship partner? My ex wife had such views. That it mattered somehow who I was with and what we did together before she and I became involved. Of course that didn't go double for her. I was the only one who needed to "come clean" for her highness to judge and assign penance. Truly, I'm not getting what you're saying here. "Entitled to a quality life partner who will forgive their past mistakes"? Speaking of "entitled"...do you honestly feel one person or another in a relationship is "entitled" to judge the past of their SO? Are you saying that, hypothetically, say my lady had done something sexually in her past, or vice versa, maybe done a threesome or been paid for sex whatever, that forgiveness needs to be granted from she to me or I to her?
So, what has happened in our pasts might see us single forever if we can't meet someone who will forgive our past? And just what standards are we to use in determining our partners/potential partners ....worthiness...of forgiveness? Way I see it , what happened in my lady's life before me isn't mine to judge. Same works the other way around. And we have both shared parts of our past with each other. So, do you feel as though your past is so far above reproach so as to "entitle" you to judge your SO by her past? Couldja' clarify...a bit ?
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,742,544 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by NVplumber
In the case of rape and abuse victims this stigma is especially hurtful. This I know first hand as my lady was the victim of a violent attempted rape and a subsequent assault as well. I can't even imagine how I would react to someone referring to her in a manner such as we are discussing. It's hard enough for victims like that to not think of themselves like that, and societal views that support that don't help.
During the course of therapy and counseling we went through together, and of course the police investigations and the whole court thing, I really found out just how non victim oriented things really are. The 'system" talks a real good game about how victims have nothing to fear, be brave and come forward, face their attackers, and my favorite "we are here to help you". It's hard enough on people that have had to endure a nasty divorce and have vindictive exes and such not to get labeled as damaged goods sexual assault/rape victims literally have to walk through fire in how society and the "system" treat them. Many of these victims wind up on their own facing that beast. Because of that whole "it's to much work to stay" thing so if they have a husband or SO the latter just bail on them.
That standing with someone through the aftermath of sexual assault is hard, that goes without say. It's a serious understatement. But justifying leaving by saying the victim is "tainted" (oh I've heard that one a few times) or damaged goods...I find that to be the take of a sniveling coward who wouldn't know lov if it locked them in a stranglehold. You might be amazed at just how much more common it is for people to justify abandoning an SO who has been victimized using the tainted excuse rather than even put in just a little effort. I've seen people just get up and walk out of group sessions when their wife, or otherwise SO was totally falling apart. It was just "to much for them". ummm...ok, wtfe.
yes, the whole "damaged goods" thing is more common than one woul think. Wht you said earlier about having had people tell you they would have sex with someone who is bi polar, or otherwise ill,or with a seual assault victim etc, but wouldn't become "involved" beyond that is pretty common too. And that is just flat contemptuous to me. If a victim of sexual assault has sex with someone, it is usually because their trust has been gained somehow. I think you see where I'm going with that.
While I think of someone calling a rape victim damaged goods is just sociopathic and cruel, I cannot really bring myself to judge a husband or an SO in that situation for leaving if they have turned every stone and have done everything in their power to help their partner. I'm not trying to be totally insensitive. I have an old friend whose wife was raped before they got married. The process he told me to get his wife into a position where she could be a functional partner was long and very difficult and it is a lot for asking anyone to handle, even if you had a long relationship before that. While rape victims have no business being called damaged goods, it is fair for someone to ask themselves if they want to be in what is an extremely difficult situation in regards to their partner. If you are committed to your partner like that, you are a far better person than I am.
I personally have never referred to anyone as damaged goods, however, there are certain people that I'm not going to deal with on a personal level. And there are certain things that I am not willing to compromise on. My life has been pretty calm and straight forward IMO, while others constantly judge me saying I'm naive and sheltered. As I've gone through life and observed many people, I do think that people make mistakes and they screw up because no one is perfect. BUT what I have also seen is people who have gotten themselves into bad situations due to poor choices.
I understand we all have to learn and experience is the "best teacher" and "yolo" and all this. But I think, at some point you should stop, think, and observe other people. I notice a lot of people fall into the same trap over and over again. I just think you can learn a lot if you PAY attention to the people around you, that way you can avoid making the same mistakes others have. People shouldn't be judged harshly for their pasts, but at the same time others are allowed to have their preferences.
If they feel like a person has too much going on or too many issues than they are willing to deal with, then they have a right to move on. I think if a person has had some tragic things happen or a rough life, they owe it to themselves to heal properly and get the right help for it.
I personally have never referred to anyone as damaged goods, however, there are certain people that I'm not going to deal with on a personal level. And there are certain things that I am not willing to compromise on. My life has been pretty calm and straight forward IMO, while others constantly judge me saying I'm naive and sheltered. As I've gone through life and observed many people, I do think that people make mistakes and they screw up because no one is perfect. BUT what I have also seen is people who have gotten themselves into bad situations due to poor choices.
I understand we all have to learn and experience is the "best teacher" and "yolo" and all this. But I think, at some point you should stop, think, and observe other people. I notice a lot of people fall into the same trap over and over again. I just think you can learn a lot if you PAY attention to the people around you, that way you can avoid making the same mistakes others have. People shouldn't be judged harshly for their pasts, but at the same time others are allowed to have their preferences.
If they feel like a person has too much going on or too many issues than they are willing to deal with, then they have a right to move on. I think if a person has had some tragic things happen or a rough life, they owe to themselves to heal properly and get the right help for it.
My sentiments exactly.
My personal thought on this issue is that, no, of course it's not nice to refer to people by these labels, either in or out of their presence, but once we (the general "we") start speaking about "not judging people" in this respect, we are treading perilously close to telling people who they should or should not be involved with, or what they should or should not accept in their personal relationships.
Sooo, ...never mind. Moving along, Insofar as my past, mistakes or otherwise, and that of my lady as well, we both have done things we aren't proud of now that seemed like a good thing at the time. Speaking just from the standpoint of me to her so far as her past is concerned there is nothing to forgive. And that would be in the event I have any right to judge to begin with. That door swings both ways. We both were in abusive relationships, both carry scars, both of us had our share of different sexual partners what have you.
So what "dumb choices" when it comes to dating is it that you feel someone need beg forgiveness for from a new relationship partner? My ex wife had such views. That it mattered somehow who I was with and what we did together before she and I became involved. Of course that didn't go double for her. I was the only one who needed to "come clean" for her highness to judge and assign penance. Truly, I'm not getting what you're saying here. "Entitled to a quality life partner who will forgive their past mistakes"? Speaking of "entitled"...do you honestly feel one person or another in a relationship is "entitled" to judge the past of their SO? Are you saying that, hypothetically, say my lady had done something sexually in her past, or vice versa, maybe done a threesome or been paid for sex whatever, that forgiveness needs to be granted from she to me or I to her?
So, what has happened in our pasts might see us single forever if we can't meet someone who will forgive our past? And just what standards are we to use in determining our partners/potential partners ....worthiness...of forgiveness? Way I see it , what happened in my lady's life before me isn't mine to judge. Same works the other way around. And we have both shared parts of our past with each other. So, do you feel as though your past is so far above reproach so as to "entitle" you to judge your SO by her past? Couldja' clarify...a bit ?
What I meant is that a person could've made some bad choices and could've changed into a better person. But that doesn't mean I have to deal with them if said choices in the past were questionable. That's my point.
My entire group, including me, are considered "damaged goods" by many...
That's ok...
I don't really put two thoughts to it and I doubt many in my group do either. Cannot force the issue, cannot change views, nor perspectives unless they want to... everyone is entitled to be the judge of who they want to share their lives with.
I'd rather be with someone who cares enough about me as a person that they are willing to extend a line out to me; faults and all.
Let's take the thread about "SO wanted to be a stripper". It attracts a lot of harsh opinions about the person and a lot of "kick her out", "dump her"... responses. They act as if said person is doing it or did it as a spiteful act... as if that's the only reason they possible would consider it... in spite or to sabotage the relationship. As if this SO wasn't the same person before and after it was discovered. As if this SO was deserving of love.. as long as you didn't know they were a stripper.
I think if it were real life and real love for a person under discussion, it wouldn't be that easy to discard someone for being "damaged goods".
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It was just "to much for them". ummm...ok, wtfe. 
Truly, I'm not getting what you're saying here. "Entitled to a quality life partner who will forgive their past mistakes"? Speaking of "entitled"...do you honestly feel one person or another in a relationship is "entitled" to judge the past of their SO? Are you saying that, hypothetically, say my lady had done something sexually in her past, or vice versa, maybe done a threesome or been paid for sex whatever, that forgiveness needs to be granted from she to me or I to her? 
