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She's mad. We're all allowed a little drama from time to time, and there's nothing like wedding planning to spike the drama up even more.
Thevoicewithin...do you think maybe he felt like he was stuck between a rock and a hard place in this? Or do you feel like it was his way or the highway? Basically...what was his attitude in this?
This is a long story and I am going to attempt to short it up. Thank you all in advance for reading.
I have been with a great guy for 2 years. Recently, we decided to talk about marriage. We overcame a lot personally and family wise. I come from a Sikh family and he is from a Muslim family (I know I know...long story especially given the religious history and differences) and we both are not religious in the least. Personally, I have been living on my own for 6 or 7 years and completely resent the Punjabi Indian culture I come from. It is very sexist and male dominated and has been the cause of a lot of misery for women in my community.
But anyways, our families finally calmed down and have decided to come together and work out the differences. There is always some drama about culture (I am Indian and he is Lebanese) or religion (Islam or Sikhism) so I have both sets of parents zoned out and preferred to keep things between me and him. We finally agreed on a small engagement party in May to make the parents happy and to stop them from worrying but to still have a nice proposal between me and him since our families arranged that. In January, my boyfriend mentioned asking my dad for my hand in marriage. I told him no. I am a branch manager and been living on my own and completely resent having to ask my father for my hand in marriage especially considering how unhappy he is about my boyfriend having an Islamic background.
Thank you to everyone. I really appreciate it.
Sikh and Muslim are not the same and Lebanese and India are not the same. Plus, OP completely resents her culture and it seems like she is trying to live a (for us American's) normal (independent) life. She probably got a lot of grief from her parents for that and now she has to deal with a bf who just tramples over all her personal achievements and disrespects her and sets her back several years of fighting for independence.
i feel ya. That whole "asking for the hand" is insane BS. And if a guy asked my father for my hand, my father would laugh in his face and then advise me to keep shopping, because the dude obviously didn't know who he was looking to marry. But I get where your fiance is coming from too - he's focused on melding families, whereas you are focused on your autonomy and personal dignity. I respect his practicality and I respect your integrity.
I think if he respects your autonomy and ethics in all other ways, this is a place to compromise, as much as you probably feel furious about it. He's in a tricky situation and trying to keep things moving smoothly and harmoniously. I'm not sure if this is the hill to make your stand on. There's gonna be a lot of bumps in your future - you might want to think about where you're willing to compromise and where you're not willing to compromise. Then have a conversation with your guy and lay out your boundaries very clearly.
You are saying what I'm thinking...but you're saying it better. LOL
Essentially, I agree with the above post. (I was referring to oh-eve, whose reply preceded mine when I started writing.) As I interpret it: when someone shows you who they really are- believe them. I found your narrative interesting. My cultural and religious background are very different. However, in your position I would be furious.
There is no advice I can give, but I hope that your boyfriend will consider that as an autonomous, independent and self-reliant person you have the right not to be bartered, or as you said, transferred like property. Compromise is one thing, but I see you as being trampled here. Your wishes and beliefs didn't just fall out of the sky yesterday; they are very important components of your identity. They should be paramount.
i feel ya. That whole "asking for the hand" is insane BS. And if a guy asked my father for my hand, my father would laugh in his face and then advise me to keep shopping, because the dude obviously didn't know who he was looking to marry. But I get where your fiance is coming from too - he's focused on melding families, whereas you are focused on your autonomy and personal dignity. I respect his practicality and I respect your integrity.
I think if he respects your autonomy and ethics in all other ways, this is a place to compromise, as much as you probably feel furious about it. He's in a tricky situation and trying to keep things moving smoothly and harmoniously. I'm not sure if this is the hill to make your stand on. There's gonna be a lot of bumps in your future - you might want to think about where you're willing to compromise and where you're not willing to compromise. Then have a conversation with your guy and lay out your boundaries very clearly.
Thank you for your response. I know what you mean. It is a tricky situation. I am so much more into the individual life and keeping people out. I have always been on my own and worked hard. I refuse to move back into my parents home even though they would let me stay. I value privacy more.
Its like "why?" It makes me feel so uncomfortable to know he is going to do this.
In January, my boyfriend mentioned asking my dad for my hand in marriage. I told him no. I am a branch manager and been living on my own and completely resent having to ask my father for my hand in marriage especially considering how unhappy he is about my boyfriend having an Islamic background.
Quote:
Originally Posted by thevoicewithin
I told him he could propose anytime from January to May (since we are having the family get together in May) but he has not.
OP, I understand that you have your feelings about this, but what about his?
You actually told him that he "could propose anytime from January to May"?
I understand that all of the things that you planned in your head are not going to come to fruition- but is this really worth tanking your relationship for?
(That last question is somewhat rhetorical, as you are the only person who can answer it.)
That actually was my last but just want to emphasize... YOU are drama. I also loathe that you think you are so independent and westernized then why didn't you marry an American then?
Away with you.
Americans are also sexist, smart one!
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
Sikh and Muslim are not the same and Lebanese and India are not the same. Plus, OP completely resents her culture and it seems like she is trying to live a (for us American's) normal (independent) life. She probably got a lot of grief from her parents for that and now she has to deal with a bf who just tramples over all her personal achievements and disrespects her and sets her back several years of fighting for independence.
My entire life I have heard how much I shame the family because I want to travel. Because I want to live on my own. I always wished I could and I remember not being able to go out and do things with friends. These are things from the past but I still remember them. Unfortunately, very well.
My entire life I have heard how much I shame the family because I want to travel. Because I want to live on my own. I always wished I could and I remember not being able to go out and do things with friends. These are things from the past but I still remember them. Unfortunately, very well.
Then why, oh why, do you want to marry someone from a culture with the MOST WOMEN SUPPRESSING and DISRESPECTING views in the world?? Have you ever been in his country? I urge you to take a trip there and see how people are. Because this is him and your life with him.
Essentially, I agree with the above post. (I was referring to oh-eve, whose reply preceded mine when I started writing.) As I interpret it: when someone shows you who they really are- believe them. I found your narrative interesting. My cultural and religious background are very different. However, in your position I would be furious.
There is no advice I can give, but I hope that your boyfriend will consider that as an autonomous, independent and self-reliant person you have the right not to be bartered, or as you said, transferred like property. Compromise is one thing, but I see you as being trampled here. Your wishes and beliefs didn't just fall out of the sky yesterday; they are very important components of your identity. They should be paramount.
This is a interesting post for me as well. What race/religion if you do not mind me asking?
My sister told me she helped set it up because she know how I would react. Wtf..? If you knew it would **** me off, why do it?
That is exactly it. Property transfer. I told him that. He said he was sorry I felt that way but he needed to talk to my dad. And then he will find a good way to propose. I know it sounds bad but...ok...? Sigh...I don't know. I wanted to be so happy but now I think I am just going to think about how my dad had to give permission. Agh....I am trying to not think of it this way but I am.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mishigas73
OP, I understand that you have your feelings about this, but what about his?
You actually told him that he "could propose anytime from January to May"?
I understand that all of the things that you planned in your head are not going to come to fruition- but is this really worth tanking your relationship for?
(That last question is somewhat rhetorical, as you are the only person who can answer it.)
No, not going to break up with him but this def warrants a difficult conversation I need to have with him. And my sister as well.
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