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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,948,491 times
Reputation: 40635
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Londoncowboy30
Where does it say the OPs wife has left and it's because he got injured?
With her suggesting an open relationship and him mentioning his injury you've come up with ONE possibility so You're just assuming that is the case but assumptions are not facts mate
I kind of get the open relationship. But this is something different. This isn't a situation where the wife goes out, has her fun, and then returns home to be with her husband in an emotionally healthy relationship.
Instead, she has now removed herself from the household. This is in no way a marriage any longer, either physically or emotionally.
To the OP: I'm sorry. But your wife appears to be distancing herself from you, either as a way to test the waters for exiting the relationship or as a way to cushion the blow for a decision that's already made.
I mean, there's such a thing as being so open-minded that your brains fall out.
I fully agree. Metaphysique mentioned ethical non monogamy, which I think is a viable option when two people both want the same thing. When both parties are eager to explore this new possibility, or when both parties enter a relationship with this understanding. I'm not sure it's really ethical when one party wants it and the other seems to be merely acquiescing, and possibly only because he wants to hang onto some shred of his relationship.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,948,491 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by homina12
I fully agree. Metaphysique mentioned ethical non monogamy, which I think is a viable option when two people both want the same thing. When both parties are eager to explore this new possibility, or when both parties enter a relationship with this understanding. I'm not sure it's really ethical when one party wants it and the other seems to be merely acquiescing, and possibly only because he wants to hang onto some shred of his relationship.
I kind of get the open relationship. But this is something different. This isn't a situation where the wife goes out, has her fun, and then returns home to be with her husband in an emotionally healthy relationship.
Instead, she has now removed herself from the household. This is in no way a marriage any longer, either physically or emotionally.
That may be the case. I think the OP needs to have serious talk with his wife. I don't get the impression that the OP is truly on board with this, but chose to acquiesce to her request/interest in opening the marriage. If he's as devoted to her as he says, then I can see why he's sacrificing his own needs and wants, though for little gain. In his eyes, he'd rather have his wife, something with his wife, than nothing at all, so he goes through the motions of this arrangement.
His wife may have checked out of the marriage and is using this time to explore other options.
I briefly dated a man who was in a similar situation. Spoke of his wife and marriage in a similar way, but all was not well. He even expressed reluctance about pursuing a possible companionship, and figured he'd figure it out if the opportunity presented itself. He was more submissive. His wife dated other men, explored with a couple women, had a couple boyfriends, while he remained apprehensive until after their first threesome.
If it weren't for their young kids, they would have divorced. Once he found someone to pursue (me), she wasn't too happy about that, despite having dated plenty herself.
She broached the topic, and he went along with it to please her. As details came out, I knew conditions weren't right and needed to part ways.
However, I have several friends who are poly/open in long term relationships and marriages, though most started out that way.
If both you have not agreed to have an open relationship, then it's not an open relationship.
It seems more like, "Well since I can't get it from you anymore, I'm going to get it from someone else," type deal. She's trying to soften the blow by bringing up the idea of having an open marriage. It's not going to repair anything.
All kind of unpleasantness in the OP. Sounds sad to me. To the others who said that she's got one foot out the door I agree. This sounds like she's just moving on in stages.
OP, is an open relationship something you had discussed in the past? Or did this come as a complete surprise?
You know, it doesn't matter if other people think your current arrangement is "immoral". Morals are relative; it only matters what you and your wife think.
That may be the case. I think the OP needs to have serious talk with his wife. I don't get the impression that the OP is truly on board with this, but chose to acquiesce to her request/interest in opening the marriage. If he's as devoted to her as he says, then I can see why he's sacrificing his own needs and wants, though for little gain. In his eyes, he'd rather have his wife, something with his wife, than nothing at all, so he goes through the motions of this arrangement.
His wife may have checked out of the marriage and is using this time to explore other options.
I briefly dated a man who was in a similar situation. Spoke of his wife and marriage in a similar way, but all was not well. He even expressed reluctance about pursuing a possible companionship, and figured he'd figure it out if the opportunity presented itself. He was more submissive. His wife dated other men, explored with a couple women, had a couple boyfriends, while he remained apprehensive until after their first threesome.
If it weren't for their young kids, they would have divorced. Once he found someone to pursue (me), she wasn't too happy about that, despite having dated plenty herself.
She broached the topic, and he went along with it to please her. As details came out, I knew conditions weren't right and needed to part ways.
However, I have several friends who are poly/open in long term relationships and marriages, though most started out that way.
I suspect that's what she's doing. Part of me wants to congratulate the OP on the magnanimity he's showing here. There's a part of me though, a part I kind of like and respect, that just can't.
OP, are you really better off with this arrangement than a complete split? If you are, well I'm just some guy on the internet. I could understand and accept a woman leaving me if I can't meet her needs. I would be hurt, but hurting and healing is what we do. I don't think I could heal though under the circumstances you describe. A clean break would work a lot better for me.
I hope for your sake that you're a kind of brave soul I just can't understand. Cuz I really can't understand.
The only people you should be asking whether it is acceptable or unacceptable are you and your wife. I do realize that not everyone is capable of accepting an open relationship. For many, it is natural that emotions and jealousy will emerge.. get in a way.
But what do I know? For me, things worked opposite of what most claim would happen.
I was in an open relationship. It worked well for us. It ended amicably because of other incompatibilities (I wanted children she did not).
I later got married and into a "traditional" monogamous relationship... it isn't going so well for me after 15+ years.
If I were in your shoes, I would be more hurt that she removed herself from the household. Yeh.. we were an open relationship couple but we were still a couple. Sharing every bit of lives together. I knew her FWBs and she knew mine. Removing herself from the household would feel more like she was rejecting us as a couple... that would be too painful for me to accept.
I have a friend who was married to a therapist and was in an open marriage. It was a horrible disaster and they ended up eventually divorcing. They were high school sweethearts and had been together a very long time. They had no kids.
The problem is that humans and relationships are very complex. Emotions always come into play. Jealousy and inadequacy eventually creep in regardless of what you may know on a rational level. She ended up divorcing him for another guy, which came as a huge shock to him. I think he was very content with the situation and she found someone that had all the qualities she wanted in a partner. The qualities the qualities that were lacking in him.
Maybe it's a phase with your wife and she will come back to you. Maybe not. That she has moved out says something. Is she living with him or on her own? Just be prepared. This will probably not be easy for you and all kinds of emotions will likely surface. Good luck!
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