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Sorry for the long post, but I have been trying to understand how this finding a life partner stuff really works for a while now. I mainly want to know when should I think the guy is really interested in me and then start getting feelings/liking him? Should it always be after the guy asks me out? I have never been asked out by anyone yet and I don't know what true love is like.
You can skip the rest of the post if you want, but this is about a guy I got feeling for which went on for last few months and I feel he is not really interested in me.
I live in US now, but originally am from a different country and follow different culture. I tried to find guys from the same nationality via couple of dating sites and nothing worked out. There are not much guys of my nationality around in the city where I live, so had to talk to someone from different city/state and distance and meeting more frequent in person became a problem. I have given up on my marriage thing for last few months and suddenly I got feelings for someone at work, but I don't know why sometimes he shows interested in me and sometimes he completely ignores me. I have never been married or in any relationship before.
This guy is not my supervisor or isn't directly part of my team but related to a team we work with. He would be in our meetings sometimes. His is divorced, has a kid and I think he is American (he knows more about the culture here). Few months back he was super friendly with me, he would come and wrap his around my shoulders and ask about how my day is going (it made my uncomfortable, but my teammates told me that is considered being friendly here). He would talk about his son to me and he wasn't doing this to others in my team. There were few days when I was going through some personal problems and I looked sad and frowned to him. He came hugged me, tried to cheer me up and asked what was bothering me. This made me feel uncomfortable again and I didn't find it appropriate to share my personal problems at work. Then for about a month most of the mornings, he would come real close to me, make an eye contact in a different way (I have never made such deep eye contacts with my teammates), wish me good morning and exchange smile every time we cross each other. He would also stop by ay desk sometimes to chit chat, stare & smile at me whenever I pass by. I was quite lonely back then and with all these I started getting feelings for him and I thought someday it will work out, so I never told him anything about my feelings.
Suddenly one day, I stopped getting good morning wishes, smiles, no eye contact at all and he started ignoring me. During this time, I noticed him texting more often on his phone and even during meetings. I thought he probably has a GF and was just trying to be friendly with me, so I gave up on my feelings for him and kept working. Few weeks later, he came back and this time he started calling me his 'sunshine' and then he would talk about work. He started making that romantic eye contact and told me that I should be inviting him when I go out for lunch with my teammates as he likes to hangout with me (yes he used word ME). He likes our food, so he even wanted me to teach him how to cook and share recipes with him. My teammates doesn't know about this thing going on between me and this guy, but everytime they invite him for lunch when we all go out he kept saying no. I kept wondering that if he is really likes to hangout with me, why isn't he making efforts to come spend time together. It's been a week, he started ignoring me again. He wouldn't even say 'Hi' if we cross each other or if he sees me coming, he would just go to another side of the floor to go somewhere. He wouldn't talk to me directly now and even it's related to work, he would talk to someone else in the team and that 3rd person would come talk to me. He would avoid as much contact with me as possible now. On Friday he was talking about his long weekend plan with another guy who sits besides my desk and when he saw me coming to my desk, he stop interacting with that another guy and went back to his desk even when the another guy hadn't completed his talking.
Not sure what is going on in his mind, but I don't know if I am the dumb one to have feelings without knowing when should I get it.
This does seem very confusing, OP. Have you looked to see if he's wearing a wedding band? That's the first thing to check. And you're right, that it's not appropriate to ask personal questions at work. Putting one's arm around a co-worker of the opposite gender also is a little forward; it isn't usually done, especially when you two don't even know each other, hardly.
I can't explain the on-again, off-again behavior. Maybe he thinks you're not interested, so he backs off? Have you ever smiled at him, when you see him coming your way, or coming into the office? Or do you hide your interest? He may get discouraged, if you always hide your interest.
Perhaps sometime when he is being friendly, YOU should invite him to join you and your teammates for lunch. Maybe he wants the invitation to come from you....? But due to shyness or a reluctance to seem forward, you've been letting the others invite him.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 05-31-2017 at 06:05 PM..
This does seem very confusing, OP. Have you looked to see if he's wearing a wedding band? That's the first thing to check. And you're right, that it's not appropriate to ask personal questions at work. Putting one's arm around a co-worker of the opposite gender also is a little forward; it isn't usually done, especially when you two don't even know each other, hardly.
I can't explain the on-again, off-again behavior. Maybe he thinks you're not interested, so he backs off? Have you ever smiled at him, when you see him coming your way, or coming into the office? Or do you hide your interest? He may get discouraged, if you always hide your interest.
Perhaps sometime when he is being friendly, YOU should invite him to join you and your teammates for lunch. Maybe he wants the invitation to come from you....? But due to shyness or a reluctance to seem forward, you've been letting the others invite him.
He doesn't wear a wedding band. I always smile back whenever he or anyone else smiles towards me. Infact when I noticed he started ignoring me last week, I smiled at him when he was coming towards me and also wished him good morning and he didn't smile or replied to my GM wish, he just looked at me and kept walking.
I can try asking him once next time we go out for lunch, but the way his on and off behavior is, I really doubt he is expecting the invite from me. I mostly think that he was either never serious about me and just having fun or he was trying at 2 places and he found it difficult to move ahead with me since we are kind of work related and he went dating with other woman(I have met a few guys like this while trying online dating sites, so am that into consideration too) or maybe I am overthinking on what's going on in his mind
Either ways, after I try asking him once for lunch with us and if he reacts the same way, I think it would be nice for me to move on from him. I don't know why am I finding this dating thing is so difficult and complicated... Hehe.
Sorry for the long post, but I have been trying to understand how this finding a life partner stuff really works for a while now. I mainly want to know when should I think the guy is really interested in me and then start getting feelings/liking him? Should it always be after the guy asks me out? I have never been asked out by anyone yet and I don't know what true love is like.
It is different for everyone. You'll know it when you see it, I bet.
You don't have to wait until a guy asks you out.
If you get to talking at work, and it feels right, just do something like "Hey, we should go get coffee" or whatever. See what happens.
Please make very sure he's really a good guy before you are ever alone with him.
Then, take it day by day. Enjoy every day you can. Tomorrow is overrated!
PS, on edit:
I don't know how old the parties involved are, but I don't think it's cool for a man to just get handsy with a woman. Start putting your hands on another person in a public place where she can't really get away from it. No. I mean, hugs are awesome, but...context.
Anyway, I meant the above suggestions to be taken generally, not specifically about this guy.
He doesn't wear a wedding band. I always smile back whenever he or anyone else smiles towards me. Infact when I noticed he started ignoring me last week, I smiled at him when he was coming towards me and also wished him good morning and he didn't smile or replied to my GM wish, he just looked at me and kept walking.
I can try asking him once next time we go out for lunch, but the way his on and off behavior is, I really doubt he is expecting the invite from me. I mostly think that he was either never serious about me and just having fun or he was trying at 2 places and he found it difficult to move ahead with me since we are kind of work related and he went dating with other woman(I have met a few guys like this while trying online dating sites, so am that into consideration too) or maybe I am overthinking on what's going on in his mind
Either ways, after I try asking him once for lunch with us and if he reacts the same way, I think it would be nice for me to move on from him. I don't know why am I finding this dating thing is so difficult and complicated... Hehe.
I wouldn't invite him to lunch unless he starts smiling and talking with you again. But You may be right; he's so inconsistent, it could be a bad sign. It was a bit rude of him to ignore you, and avoid responding to your morning greeting.
I wouldn't invite him to lunch unless he starts smiling and talking with you again. But You may be right; he's so inconsistent, it could be a bad sign. It was a bit rude of him to ignore you, and avoid responding to your morning greeting.
Yup. During first few days of last week, if there was anything he wanted to know about work, he would ask it to someone else in the team and that 3rd person would come and ask me regarding it. Later he was in a situation where he had to talk to me regarding work during last 2 days of the week. For this he started bossing around - he texted me on the office IM and asked me to come to his desk to provide the info he needs from me. When I asked him what help needs from me, he replied saying "I am not helping him, but he is helping me" (Lol, he was just performing tasks assigned to him by his boss) and while I was speaking to him regarding work, he started texting on his personal phone completely ignoring me.
I think he is not interested in me at all and would be better for me to move on. It's going to be hard for me since I will be seeing him everyday at work, but hopefully some day I will get over it. I spent last few days thinking where could have I gone wrong, but I think he is not serious at all.
There is no pain like dating a coworker, then finding out she's dating another coworker.
Yup I understand it. While he never asked me out for an official date, I had feelings for him and he was also taking interest in talking and making a romantic eye contact. While I have met guys via online dating sites who would talk for few days and then disappear coz they found someone else interesting now, it was frustrating but easier to forget too since I was never going to see them again. In case of coworkers, you see them everyday, so it's hard to get through. I was talking to few of my friends and they said it's pretty common and even they are meeting guys/gals these days who are initially interested in them and then would be seen dating others.
Yup I understand it. While he never asked me out for an official date, I had feelings for him and he was also taking interest in talking and making a romantic eye contact. While I have met guys via online dating sites who would talk for few days and then disappear coz they found someone else interesting now, it was frustrating but easier to forget too since I was never going to see them again. In case of coworkers, you see them everyday, so it's hard to get through. I was talking to few of my friends and they said it's pretty common and even they are meeting guys/gals these days who are initially interested in them and then would be seen dating others.
The most important advice is ... just because you have "feelings" doesn't mean you have to act on them.
Based on what you've written tonight, I think it would be a bad idea to try and start flirting with him.
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