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You don't need leadership. You need working principles and a shared value system.
The first principle is communication. You say what's on your mind and you say it ways that are not accusatory.
The second is a recognition that you are in a partnership. A relationship is a living breathing thing, and you have to sacrifice part of yourself to help it grow.
Being in a long-term marriage is like being in a band. Sometimes you're out front singing, sometimes you play the tambourine. It's never good if one person is doing all the singing. JMO.
Usually, whenever I was the dominant one, it didn't work out. I need a guy I can look up to.
Can you explain what that looks like in terms of leadership? I totally get that you have to be able to respect your partner in terms of their capacity, intelligence, character and integrity. So if you have a slug a bug, that is not going to work. But what does the leadership component look like? I am just curious.
I may not be the "leader" but I do all the planning, the buying, initiate all social activities, etc. in my current relationship.
Otherwise nothing would ever happen. Now, I usually come up with different options because I don't impose my will on him...often, anyway. Financially we are separate otherwise there would be major issues and I do think it's pretty impossible to take over someone else's money as well as being wrong in general.
I find it tiresome actually. I would prefer things be more equal so I'm not always the one responsible for making stuff happen and also responsible to be sure stuff happens RIGHT. Earlier in life I was somewhat passive so I think it's an improvement to step up - but because of that I see the "advantages" of getting to sit back and wait for things to happen and then judge things you didn't have much part in.
Now that may not be your idea of a leader. Usually I think of a leader as someone who comes up with an idea and then gives "orders" and others scurry around to make stuff happen - that is not my reality. That may be a gender thing - often in work situations women make things happen at the behest of others - it seems like they are doing stuff and they do make some decisions but they don't get to make the big decisions themselves.
In general I run everything at home and he runs everything at work.
Anything large is a joint decision, and communication is critical.
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I never understood the point of having a default leader, or pigeonholing ourselves into roles that aren't authentic. There are some areas where I am more suited to make decisions, such as in finances, or any sort of snap decision, unencumbered by emotion or hesitancy. He's better suited to decisions that allow for a drawn-out ordeal of weighing pros, cons, and feelings. In short: we're both the leader, and one might defer to the other if the situation arises.
I personally believe that the man should lead the relationship with intelligent knowledge of his partner. Women are by nature more emotional than men and tend to lead with their hearts rather than logic in most cases. Leadership is a skill and it has to be developed. Not all women will let a man lead. Most of the time when that is true a woman does not trust her man. Trust, communication, and mutuality is needed in making decisions and leading the relationship in the right direction.
Yes, as a single 40-year-old who's managing her own assets and those of her father with dementia and making decisions that our futures hinge on, I don't know how I make it through the day without shrieking and having an emotional breakdown without a man to lead me.
Look, if you're an emotional mess, well, that's your issue. But please don't lump every woman into your little pigeonhole.
I personally believe that the man should lead the relationship with intelligent knowledge of his partner. Women are by nature more emotional than men and tend to lead with their hearts rather than logic in most cases. Leadership is a skill and it has to be developed. Not all women will let a man lead. Most of the time when that is true a woman does not trust her man. Trust, communication, and mutuality is needed in making decisions and leading the relationship in the right direction.
What?
Between a couple, I think things should be done as cooperatively and evenly as possible.
But like Ms. Mathlete, I think the person with the strength in whatever area should lead in that area and so on and so forth.
For example, I am the one who is often logically planning out every thing, doing the finances, researching XYZ, etc. because those are strong points of mine. Then when I figure out what needs to be done, if it is something my husband is good at (like talking to people) then I ask him to do it. I would say most of the time, I have the final say, but if I am indecisive I will defer to him. And honestly if it's something I don't care about, then whatever.
We always laugh because he always says, "I know whatever I pick you will always pick the opposite!"
Usually, whenever I was the dominant one, it didn't work out. I need a guy I can look up to.
So is the obverse also true - he needs someone he can look down on? I'm only half kidding...someone does not have to be a leader for me to look up to them...they don't have to lead me for me to respect them...
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