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In all fairness, it would be completely reasonable for the OP to ask for dissolution of the marriage after such a revelation...I mean, maybe your partner is a lesbian, but that doesn't mean you are one!...but I think it's commendable that you loved the person more than the plumbing and you're determined to do your best to make things work out.
And on top of everything you have shared, there is something I've heard about from my trans friends that they call "second puberty" where they're taking hormones and their emotions are completely haywire for a while. I have teenage kids, and I remember my own teen years, and I can only imagine that level of hormonality along with a huge life change and a whole different dynamic... Honestly OP, you're like some kind of superhero for weathering this whole storm, in my opinion.
Have you thought of looking into ways for your spouse to find her own female friends to have girl time with, perhaps? Meetups or anything? I think some social support would be nice for her to have, but she doesn't need to usurp your family and friend ties to get it.
Thanks Sonic
Yes, I had to go through the hormone thing with her. (and I went through that with my 6 kids already )
Holy moly!! LOL
of course not. Please don't play stupid. If my partner has been thinking of having surgeries for many, many years, I think he owes me the truth BEFORE we marry. And I shouldn't have to ask him - in a drunken night where we exchange secrets and things we are scared of, he should come out with it. BEFORE we even think of marriage. Then I can make a decision if I stay with him or not.
No, I'm not "playing stupid". I am quite intelligent. Everyone was very surprised when we told them. My spouse said "I could have made the best spy ever because nobody knew".
Should my spouse have told me before we married? You bet!! I was quite ticked about it but luckily I am open minded, sympathetic and kind. So, we worked past that.
My spouse is very aware it was wrong to deceive me.
Unless they don't tell you that, because they haven't worked through it yet themselves and gotten to that point in their own process.
And, yes, one's spouse would not be out of line if, upon finding out that the person he or she married is transgender, finds that they can't accept the changes to their relationship, married life, etc. This poster seems to have done her best to accept and work with what's going on with the person she married, even through things that make it rough. But it wouldn't be wrong for someone to say, "No, this isn't the relationship I thought I had. It really just comes down to the individuals involved, and how they are able to deal with the changes.
To the OP, this hasn't happened to me, but it has happened to a college friend. She and her husband were married for a number of years before her spouse came out as transgender. It was not easy on her or their relationship, but they have stayed together for several years so far, did a vow renewal last year that better fit who they are than their original marriage ceremony did, and seem to be embracing the evolution of their relationship.
Yes, many women would not have stayed. My spouse is aware of that. Sometimes though, I think she forgets what I gave up and that does get annoying. However, I don't hold it over her head.
I am so happy for your college friend. I'm glad they worked it out as well
OP, you aren't a lesbian, right? You wanted to be married to a man, not a woman. How is this fair to you? Honestly just curious, sorry if it's an insensitive question.
Kudos to you for being so understanding of your spouse.
No, I am not a Lesbian or Bi. It's funny because in this is my second marriage and I used to joke with my current spouse (long before she came out to me) That "if this relationship does not work out, I'm becoming a Lesbian" Ha Ha Ha
God has a funny way of teaching you a lesson about joking about something. LOLOLOLOL
But, I will say that in the case of my college friend going through this, what it did ultimately come down to for her was coming to terms with the fact that she loved the person she married. She didn't love the person that she married because they were a specific gender. She loved them because of who they were, and that didn't change. To her, I say, "Cool."
Exactly! I fell in love with my spouse's personality and sense of humor
Last edited by CindyRoos; 10-27-2017 at 07:44 PM..
Wow OP.....you're a better person than I am, because I'll tell you right here and now, IF I had a relationship with AND THEN got married to a man that I thought was a MAN and someone that I could trust for almost a DECADE, and they didn't smile or seemed happy during that whole entire time and THEN decided to finally tell me that they're transgendered - I don't care how many years I've invested emotionally in them - I would get an annulment immediately, without hesitation. He/she LIED to you! Your marriage, your relationship, all the time you spent with him/her...everythingwas a LIE. He/she ROBBED you of almost TEN YEARS of your life - you can't ever get those years back.
It doesn't matter that they haven't 'processed or resolved' this within their own mind yet or was 'too scared' to come out during all those YEARS. I mean, my God - something like this NEEDS TO BE DISCLOSED to the person THEY are having a relationship and marriage with!!! That other person DESERVES TO KNOW something like this BEFORE they enter into a relationship with them! I mean seriously, that's just so crazy that he/she actually DID this to the OP! Cruel, selfish and cowardly are adjectives that come to my mind with regard to the OP's husband/wife/whatever.
And, on top of THAT, he/she is now even MORE 'insensitive' and 'selfish' since they have changed to a female and is NO LONGER treating the OP as a wife, which is what she DESERVES to be treated as, because that's what she signed up for. She didn't sign up for ANY of this. The OP said that since she's 50, she's 'not about to start over again' with anyone else...so now, it sounds like she's actually going to put up with this for the rest of her life.
How very sad.
I can't say your wrong AprilFlowers. I had to go through a process of shock, anger, sadness....all of it. But in the end I had to ask myself "If I leave, would I miss this person and the answer is Yes". So, the relationship is not over. I can't walk away. I took vows for better or worse.
I hope I go to heaven LOLOLOL
Location: In the cold, dark wasteland of eternity...
926 posts, read 673,709 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CindyRoos
No, I am not a Lesbian or Bi. It's funny because in this is my second marriage and I used to joke with my current spouse (long before she came out to me) That "if this relationship does not work out, I'm becoming a Lesbian" Ha Ha Ha
God has a funny way of teaching you a lesson about joking about something. LOLOLOLOL
Wow. In your initial post, you didn't sound this giddy or happy when you were talking about the things that were troubling you with all this. Now, you're laughing and cracking up, like it's so much fun!
So glad all this happened to you! Yay!
lol
Edit: Because I didn't read the post you wrote to me before I posted this. Ya know, I'm sorry....but Idk....I'm just...so...confused about this...about your reaction....about how you're so cool with all this....
Sounds like you need to open a joint account with your wife and agree to pay for shared expenses in tandem. Debating who pays for dinner after all this time seems unnecessary. Maybe a bit more couple’s counseling? Try to find someone who specializes in LGBTQ, etc. (As a matter of fact, I just discovered a friend’s daughter has that set of credentials.)
Wow. In your initial post, you didn't sound this giddy or happy when you were talking about the things that were troubling you with all this. Now, you're laughing and cracking up, like it's so much fun!
So glad all this happened to you! Yay!
lol
Edit: Because I didn't read the post you wrote to me before I posted this. Ya know, I'm sorry....but Idk....I'm just...so...confused about this...about your reaction....about how you're so cool with all this....
I have to laugh AprilFlowers. What is the alternative? Crying? Naww
I'm stronger than that
You'd understand if you knew me in person.
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That other person DESERVES TO KNOW something like this BEFORE they enter into a relationship with them! I mean seriously, that's just so crazy that he/she actually DID this to the OP! Cruel, selfish and cowardly are adjectives that come to my mind with regard to the OP's husband/wife/whatever. 
