Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Maybe certain things that didn't bother me a few years ago do now. Is that so wrong? And like I said before, things like the debt and showering didn't come to light until we moved in together.
It's not wrong that things about the human being you live with bother the human being in you. What IS wrong is trying to characterize those things as "her problems" when part of why it bothers you is YOUR problem.
Instead of looking at external solutions, like having kids, changing jobs, outdoor activities, etc, it is probably (past) time for some hard work on the relationship and how you two will function in it.
I recommend Dr David Schnarch's stuff to married couples, and I'm pretty sure I've recommended it to you before. It forces you to examine yourself before you try to project that critical eye on your partner. If y'all can manage to go to one of his couples weekends, I recommend it.
We got together when she was 19 and I had just turned 20.
This was the first real, long-term relationship both of us had ever been in. We lost our virginity to one another. There's no question that we each came into this relationship with little experience in life and love.
Just as the relationship changes, the people in them evolve as well. And living together adds a whole new context.
Maybe certain things that didn't bother me a few years ago do now. Is that so wrong? And like I said before, things like the debt and showering didn't come to light until we moved in together.
But you didn't notice she wasn't showering when you spent time together? It must not really have been a problem then (i.e., she must not have smelled bad, and seemed clean).
A story like this is one of the reasons I list "accepting the person the way they are" as something that's important to find in a SO. The person who you really love ..."BUT", or is almost good enough..."EXCEPT", starts to feel this from you. Your unhappiness with them and inability to accept them doesn't make them feel very good about themselves when they're around you. I really suspect that it's not about them, it's about you. Don't be surprised if she decides this kind of attitude and 'support' isn't what makes her happy anymore either.
The person who you really love ..."BUT", or is almost good enough..."EXCEPT", starts to feel this from you. Your unhappiness with them and inability to accept them doesn't make them feel very good about themselves when they're around you. I really suspect that it's not about them, it's about you.
Right ... it absolutely becomes a cycle.
The partner senses the change and begins to react to it, and unfortunately most of the ways that we react to it, based in insecurity, are not things that make us MORE attractive to our partner.
The partner senses the change and begins to react to it, and unfortunately most of the ways that we react to it, based in insecurity, are not things that make us MORE attractive to our partner.
Especially when the favorite reaction is avoidance. "I dont feel like going to the gym with you" (I'd like to be home alone and eat ice cream without criticism.).
"I have to work late tonight". ( I'd rather go shopping than hear what you don't like about me today.)
Sometimes it takes us years to realize the pointing out of our flaws is just a deflection, and we're not so bad after all. Alone.
Finally, after years of this, she mustered up the energy to divorce him. "Oh, so you DO have a breaking point," was her sister's reaction when told the news.
There are quite a few couples where someone gets taken advantage of and people close to the one getting used wants the person to break it off.
Your story is a prime example. Frustrating to see your close friends/relatives being used as a puppet and they won't listen to those who know better.
This is one of the most dangerous lies we tell ourselves.
Sorry I didn't quite understand this. Are you saying people shouldn't try to help those we care about to change their bad behaviour/habits like smoking, gambling, drinking, drugs, etc?
Is there a difference when it involves the type of relationship? For instance telling a child to quit smoking as opposed to your adult partner?
Is it really a lie when we care about the person and want to help them change their bad behaviour/habits?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stockyman
Sorry I didn't quite understand this. Are you saying people shouldn't try to help those we care about to change their bad behaviour/habits like smoking, gambling, drinking, drugs, etc?
Is there a difference when it involves the type of relationship? For instance telling a child to quit smoking as opposed to your adult partner?
Is it really a lie when we care about the person and want to help them change their bad behaviour/habits?
People don't change unless they want to change. To quit smoking (etc) requires the person have to really want to stop, and even then it is hard. In this case, its super clear that the OP wants to change her not for her sake, but for his and she doesnt' want to change. He is the one unhappy (though he says he is happy), she doesn't seem unhappy. So yes, it is a lie he is telling himself that he wants her to change for her. He wants her to change for him.
Sorry I didn't quite understand this. Are you saying people shouldn't try to help those we care about to change their bad behaviour/habits like smoking, gambling, drinking, drugs, etc?
Is there a difference when it involves the type of relationship? For instance telling a child to quit smoking as opposed to your adult partner?
Is it really a lie when we care about the person and want to help them change their bad behaviour/habits?
Not if that's the actual reason you're doing it.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
If someone is "too tired" to clean themselves, there is a problem.
