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As to the shallow aspect of the op and the references thereof it's a valid point. The op has to take into account good guys are far and few between. If he's a good guy he'll listen and adapt to the situation. If she's a keeper then she'll work with him. It goes both ways. If she can't work this out, with a good guy, she needs somebody as shallow as she is. That's not hard to find.
Hi all!
I recently went on a few dates with a guy. I like him as a person a lot, and I am physically attracted to him, but there is one problem.. I feel embarrassed when we walk next to each other because of how he dresses. He is a paramedic and a firefighter, and I get it that he's been used to casual outfits, probably because of his work, and because he doesn't live in a city. I am a nurse, and I like comfy clothes, too, but I have different styles for different occasions, and when we go out to eat, I like to wear something nice; even when it's a casual date, I still make sure my clothes and shoes are intact and clean.
He wears his work shoes everywhere! They are not even new and clean, but look rather worn, and with stains. The last time we went out he wore a hoodie with a small tear in it. When we walk next to each other, we just don't look like we match in any way. I doubt he does that on purpose; most likely how he dresses doesn't matter to him, and I am not sure he knows that, although superficial, this will become a deal breaker if it stays the same.
Is there a way to deal with this graciously, without hurting his feelings? Do I even have the right to comment on how he dresses, or should I just stop seeing him, and let him be his comfortable self?
The best solution is to leave the man alone, obviously you do not now nor will you ever accept him as he is.
Let him find someone who knows the definition of the phrase:
Clothes do not make the man...
As to the shallow aspect of the op and the references thereof it's a valid point. The op has to take into account good guys are far and few between. If he's a good guy he'll listen and adapt to the situation. If she's a keeper then she'll work with him. It goes both ways. If she can't work this out, with a good guy, she needs somebody as shallow as she is. That's not hard to find.
You know, I had a feeling that someone would see the whole thing as a case of female shallowness sooner or later.
I don't think it's shallow to want someone who is truly compatible to you. Setting aside "good men" (like what, because he knows the basics of right from wrong and won't abuse you? Do women get credit for being "good" too? That stuff is a minimum threshold, and not that uncommon)... Suppose this man is a well built blue collar fella, with a bangin' body...but he's dumber than a bag of rocks. And she's just not wanting to really confront that fact, because he's nice, sweet, and good looking...
The important question is, can she respect him?
Because what man wants to be with a woman who can't respect him?
It would be like expecting a brilliant male executive or some other man of high standing, to stoop to dating some filthy young junkie he found in a bush downtown, because hey...she's "nice." And maybe good looking. Is that a recipe for a good relationship, though? Of course not!
Not every pair of good human beings are necessarily compatible. If there are things that are important to her, that aren't part of his makeup, then she ought to consider moving on. If it were just a matter of taste in clothing, that is one thing, and maybe not a big deal. But when you bring questions about educational levels into play, I wonder what she's really thinking.
You know, I had a feeling that someone would see the whole thing as a case of female shallowness sooner or later.
I don't think it's shallow to want someone who is truly compatible to you. Setting aside "good men" (like what, because he knows the basics of right from wrong and won't abuse you? Do women get credit for being "good" too? That stuff is a minimum threshold, and not that uncommon)... Suppose this man is a well built blue collar fella, with a bangin' body...but he's dumber than a bag of rocks. And she's just not wanting to really confront that fact, because he's nice, sweet, and good looking...
The important question is, can she respect him?
Because what man wants to be with a woman who can't respect him?
It would be like expecting a brilliant male executive or some other man of high standing, to stoop to dating some filthy young junkie he found in a bush downtown, because hey...she's "nice." And maybe good looking. Is that a recipe for a good relationship, though? Of course not!
Not every pair of good human beings are necessarily compatible. If there are things that are important to her, that aren't part of his makeup, then she ought to consider moving on. If it were just a matter of taste in clothing, that is one thing, and maybe not a big deal. But when you bring questions about educational levels into play, I wonder what she's really thinking.
Here's my question. Why can't she respect him? She doesn't have to date him, and I hope she stops, but for his sake as much or more than hers. Not because the OP is awful, but her feelings for the guy would surely be picked up on by him at some point.
And can't you respect someone who is a dumb as a bag of rocks?
And is a firefighter dating a well educated person who seems to have missed some life lessons really the equivalent of a brilliant executive dating a filthy young junkie? That seems unduly harsh and not remotely similar.
I don't understand why some people do this. Stop trying to change people and if it's that big of a deal move on. I'd be very offended if my gf tried this on me.
I was seeing this a lot like how Urban Sasquatch talked about it, and others, that there's a good chance this could be nudged, as long as it's done kindly and diplomatically. More positive juju than judgment and all that jazz.
But then others have pointed out that this isn't the only thread, and there was the one about him also being uneducated. And I have to wonder if the OP is really looking down on him, thinking he is not her caliber of dude, and kind of trying to work in denial of her heart telling her this isn't a good match, because some other factors seem interesting, and maybe she isn't consciously comfortable with the reality that she's looking down on this dude. But that doesn't change the fact that it's happening.
I kinda get it because there was a point I developed some emotions for a guy who was not remotely "good enough" for me to partner with, and on some level I knew it...but he was cute, and a musician, and he made me feel good, so I tried to get past it. Talk myself around it. Looking back though...my word, that would never have worked. This dude was like one step up from being some kind of drifter, and his life's ambition was to be a famous Youtuber and play video games for a living. If your date and your teenage kids have the same life goals, you might be shooting a little too low. Just sayin'. If deep down, your heart is saying, "This man is not on your level. Not insofar as his education, his prospects, his level of class..." then you should probably cut him loose so that he can find someone who feels comfortable standing on his level in life, and keep looking for someone who stands closer to your own.
Sometimes we feel like someone will be grateful if we lift them up and give them more opportunities. That is a really bad idea when it's a big mismatch like I described above. The guy will resent you for being who you are, and you will resent him for taking advantage of what you have.
You know, I had a feeling that someone would see the whole thing as a case of female shallowness sooner or later.
I don't think it's shallow to want someone who is truly compatible to you. Setting aside "good men" (like what, because he knows the basics of right from wrong and won't abuse you? Do women get credit for being "good" too? That stuff is a minimum threshold, and not that uncommon)... Suppose this man is a well built blue collar fella, with a bangin' body...but he's dumber than a bag of rocks. And she's just not wanting to really confront that fact, because he's nice, sweet, and good looking...
The important question is, can she respect him?
Because what man wants to be with a woman who can't respect him?
It would be like expecting a brilliant male executive or some other man of high standing, to stoop to dating some filthy young junkie he found in a bush downtown, because hey...she's "nice." And maybe good looking. Is that a recipe for a good relationship, though? Of course not!
Not every pair of good human beings are necessarily compatible. If there are things that are important to her, that aren't part of his makeup, then she ought to consider moving on. If it were just a matter of taste in clothing, that is one thing, and maybe not a big deal. But when you bring questions about educational levels into play, I wonder what she's really thinking.
Good points. It can get complicated but ultimately it comes down to listening and respecting others. He should listen and respect her wants in the end. There's things she needs to understand too. I disagree that people are not compatible, just about any 2 can hook up and if there's understanding and intelligence at work instead of selfishness and instinct (human traits vs animal) it can be a success.
I've found its REAL EASY to hate someone, to find fault in someone as opposed to finding what is good in a person/people. It's called taking the easy way out and it comes from us being so lazy.
Good points. It can get complicated but ultimately it comes down to listening and respecting others. He should listen and respect her wants in the end. There's things she needs to understand too. I disagree that people are not compatible, just about any 2 can hook up and if there's understanding and intelligence at work instead of selfishness and instinct (human traits vs animal) it can be a success.
I've found its REAL EASY to hate someone, to find fault in someone as opposed to finding what is good in a person/people. It's called taking the easy way out and it comes from us being so lazy.
I do not agree, at all, that pretty much any 2 people can hook up and be compatible. Nope.
And this is not about hate, or selfishness.
I am not a religious person. At all. But I completely respect other people's right to be religious. But if I were to attempt to partner with the sort of individual who believed I was going to hell unless I confessed and repented my sins, either I'd get beaten down into betraying my own beliefs, or they would. Not cool. I have the right to think what I think in my own house, and they can think what they think in theirs.
There are needs I have, that are critical to my well-being as a person. I spent 18 years repressing myself and resenting my partner, because he attached a great deal of scorn and shame to a few of those things. There are fundamental differences in what we believe. We were incompatible, and we managed to square-peg/round-hole the matter for a very long time...but neither of us was really doing right by the other. And it led to disaster.
When two people stand in very different places, at the deepest and most vital parts of who they are, and those places are not compatible, then it is a recipe for a very unhappy relationships, and a self respecting individual would be better off alone.
And I did not mean to imply that no one could respect someone who is as dumb as a bag of rocks, nor to imply that he necessarily IS or anything. I'm just illustrating a sort of example. If you can't respect your partner, you have a problem. Sooner or later, he's going to get the sense she thinks she is superior to him, and does not respect him, and that's some toxic stuff right there. I'd wish it on no one.
Honestly? If I knew a person I was dating, was looking critically at me and inspecting my flaws in a forum, to determine if I were worthy of dating them, I think that would bug me. No one is perfect, but if in the beginning, you're spending more time contemplating the things you don't like about someone, than you are being excited about the things you DO like about them, it's not a good sign.
Since he is a paramedic and a firefighter, I am betting he doesn't struggle to get a date. If she is embarrassed by his clothing and worried about their gap in educational levels...she should really examine how uncomfortable she is with all this and consider setting him free to find someone who is a better match.
Here's my question. Why can't she respect him? She doesn't have to date him, and I hope she stops, but for his sake as much or more than hers. Not because the OP is awful, but her feelings for the guy would surely be picked up on by him at some point.
And can't you respect someone who is a dumb as a bag of rocks?
And is a firefighter dating a well educated person who seems to have missed some life lessons really the equivalent of a brilliant executive dating a filthy young junkie? That seems unduly harsh and not remotely similar.
Just speaking for myself on the bolded part...
I would NOT be able to respect someone, on the whole, who was dumb as a box of rocks.
There might be assorted characteristics of that person I would respect...like a loving heart, self-discipline, a good character...but if I can't have an intelligent conversation with a partner...well...he wouldn't be a partner.
I don't understand why some people do this. Stop trying to change people and if it's that big of a deal move on. I'd be very offended if my gf tried this on me.
I completely disagree. Expecting someone to look like they could be in a GQ magazine is one thing. Expecting someone to dress in clean clothing in good repair on a date is another matter entirely and completely reasonable. Would you wear tattered shoes to a wedding? To church? Most people would say no, because it doesn’t reflect respect for the dignity of the occasion. Why doesn’t she get the same respect? What if she wanted to get dinner at a nice restaurant? To me, it’s disrespectful whether intentional or not. He doesn’t have to be dressed to the nines, but clean clothes and shoes is neither a shallow nor unreasonable request. It’s not “changing” someone, it’s asking them to be minimally considerate and mindful. If that is such an extraordinary request, then he is not right for her.
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