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I have an ex who I have known since I was 15. We dated when I was 17/18 and he was 21/22. I lost my virginity to him. Our relationship wasn't bad or good. It was kinda like we liked/loved one another as friends. There was no "chemistry" or anything. We parted amicably and kept in touch with one another for the next few years, and we ended up hooking up on a random New Year's Eve years after we broke up.
When my husband and I first got together -- almost eight years ago, when I was 22 -- we had the "sex" conversation. I told him the last person I had sex with before we got together was my ex. Cool. We go through a long relationship, marriage, blah blah...
I guess the above-mentioned ex broke up with his long-term girlfriend (who I guess he had in the meantime since I've been with my husband...we haven't been communicating) and sent me a message on Facebook. We had a very short, cordial conversation.
Late at night, he sent me another Facebook message another time that said that I was always his favorite drinking buddy and that we should get together and drink together again. I messaged him and said that we did have a lot of fun but that I didn't think that would be appropriate. I ended up blocking him on Facebook because I didn't want to continue such conversations with him or upset my husband.
Well, I've had the same phone number for a very long time, and I guess he still had it, so he sent me a late night text message..."Hi." is what it said. I didn't remember his number off the top of my head but knew it when I saw it.
I was asleep when he sent it, but my husband woke up before I did and saw it on my phone. He asked me who it was, and i was honest. He was immediately really mad. I guess all he could think of or remember is that this is the last person I had sex with before him. The late night text really, really, really bothered him.
I texted the ex back -- in front of my husband -- and told him that I'm happily married and that I just don't think it's appropriate for us to talk to one another. Then, I blocked his number.
Ever since, my husband has made smart little comments about my ex or about me cheating on him. He also checks my "blocked messages" folder (Android) and my messenger on Facebook several times a day.
I'd be a bit jealous and upset if one of his ex's messaged him out of the blue, too, so I understand why he's upset. But I just don't know what to do. I did not initiate these messages. I don't hate my ex, but I have zero interest in him.
It doesn't even sway him that you allow him to look at your messages? The fact that he does that is unreal.
We all (well, some people will come on here and claim they have ZERO jealousy, but anyway ...) have those certain exes that we are more sensitive about. Apparently this one is your husband's.
The only thing you can do is this: Next time he makes a crack about it, stop what you're doing, take him by the hands, look straight into his eyes, and say, "I married you. I vowed to love you above all others. I have already told you nothing is going on with me and Ex. I would appreciate it if you would stop accusing me of cheating on you. I have blocked him, and I don't expect to hear anything else about this. I have faith in us, and I want you to also."
Do NOT walk around like a guilty person. You have been more than accommodating
To be honest it sounds like your husband needs to up his emotional intelligence/maturity.
After 8 years of marriage and he deals with this by needing to make"smart little comments" and checks your phone and FB messenger several times a day...this is not evolved emotional intelligent behavior.
You've done every thing within reason to reassure your spouse you've not been inappropriate. His inability to drop it speaks poorly to his capacity for insecurity.
If he doesn't get over it, HIS behavior is what is going to cause problems within your relationship.
It doesn't even sway him that you allow him to look at your messages? The fact that he does that is unreal.
We all (well, some people will come on here and claim they have ZERO jealousy, but anyway ...) have those certain exes that we are more sensitive about. Apparently this one is your husband's.
The only thing you can do is this: Next time he makes a crack about it, stop what you're doing, take him by the hands, look straight into his eyes, and say, "I married you. I vowed to love you above all others. I have already told you nothing is going on with me and Ex. I would appreciate it if you would stop accusing me of cheating on you. I have blocked him, and I don't expect to hear anything else about this. I have faith in us, and I want you to also."
Do NOT walk around like a guilty person. You have been more than accommodating
He basically looks at everything that ever pops up on my phone. My phone is "better" than his, so he has downloaded games on it to play and everything. If he wants to look something up, he's more prone to pick up my phone than his to do it. He's always been on my phone a lot, so he should know that there are no secrets. Now, though, I see him go to my "blocked messages" folder and Facebook messenger every time he picks it up, before or after he does other things.
I don't have anything to hide, but it...I don't know...irritates me a little? And it kinda makes me nervous...what if drunk ex sent ANOTHER text message that went to the "blocked messages" folder. Is he going to get mad at me for that?
I don't have anything to hide, but it...I don't know...irritates me a little? And it kinda makes me nervous...what if drunk ex sent ANOTHER text message that went to the "blocked messages" folder. Is he going to get mad at me for that?
That is your husband's problem.
You have done nothing wrong. It's not your fault if a drunk guy messages you. Others have already said it ... your husband's behavior is going to be the end of this if he doesn't stop.
Now, though, I see him go to my "blocked messages" folder and Facebook messenger every time he picks it up, before or after he does other things.
I don't have anything to hide, but it...I don't know...irritates me a little? And it kinda makes me nervous...what if drunk ex sent ANOTHER text message that went to the "blocked messages" folder. Is he going to get mad at me for that?
I would be very disappointed in any man that would behave this way when I've been honest and did nothing wrong. It would be a huge turn off and most likely a deal breaker. If this is how he behaves after 8 years of marriage I can only imagine how his emotional maturity will play out in the future.
I would be very disappointed in any man that would behave this way when I've been honest and did nothing wrong. It would be a huge turn off and most likely a deal breaker. If this is how he behaves after 8 years of marriage I can only imagine how his emotional maturity will play out in the future.
To be fair, we haven't been married for 8 years. We've only been married for 3 years. We did live together for almost 5 years before we got married, though. Getting married didn't change much for us, so it's pretty much the same. I did think I should clarify, though.
Ever since, my husband has made smart little comments about my ex or about me cheating on him. He also checks my "blocked messages" folder (Android) and my messenger on Facebook several times a day
If everything transpired as you say it did... get some self-respect and tell him to knock that **** off unless he wants to be single again really soon.
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