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I met this girl about 4 months ago at a bar (so romantic I know) and we really hit it off. We exchanged numbers and went on a first date a couple days later. We had sex on the second date which was probably too soon. I remember thinking at the time that maybe this was a bad way to start things off since we didn't really build a ton of feelings for each other beforehand, but it turned into a great relationship. I found out pretty early on that she was going through a divorce with her husband who cheated on her. She let the marriage go way too long and now she is 33. I am 28. I was totally ok with it because we were able to have deep conversations together and I remember thinking to myself, "this girl is the one."
We had sex pretty much every time we hung out and it was unbelievably good for the first 3 months. Then one night we were drunk at a bar together and she told me she wanted to have a family and would need to have kids within the next year or two to make that happen. This scared me quite a bit even though I kind of saw it coming. Keep in mind we had only been together for 3 and a half months at this point although we did hint at our future together being long.
After that night the sex started to go downhill. Time and time again we would start having sex and then I just couldn't keep the erection.. I didn't know if this was just a deep down fear of commitment because of my past failed relationships, or if I was just scared of a big change being imminent in my life. After all I had basically been single for 9 years up to this point (a few 2-3 month flings but nothing more.. only 1 relationship longer than a year)
This "performance anxiety" happened about 3 or 4 times and I started to get really worried and wondered what was wrong with me. She was very understanding and sweet and told me to just not think about it and that it would be ok. The last time it happened (Saturday), I told her that maybe it kept happening because of what she said at the bar and deep down me being unsure about having kids as early as she wants to... and that maybe I was feeling a little pressured. This conversation led into us suggesting we take a little break and then she said maybe we should just break up.. We both agreed at the time that maybe it was for the best and she left with tears in her eyes. It was all very sudden and it broke both of our hearts.
She then called me the next day (yesterday) sobbing saying how she missed me so much, and it killed me because I miss her too. I wonder if we made a huge mistake.. I was tore up thinking about how I might not ever see one of my best friends again. She came over to my house as a last ditch effort to make it work and I kept telling her I didn't know what to do, and that it was unfair for me to waste her time when I was unsure how soon I wanted kids. She agreed it was over and left crying.
I am truly heartbroken as well. Her being 33 is literally the reason why we are broken up.. because I fear our relationship not ending up in marriage and a family would ruin her entire life. She knows she needs to have kids within the next 4 or 5 years or she will never be able to have them. It will take me a while to really commit to a serious relationship (since I've been single for so long) and time is not what she has. I think this fear is what fueled my performance anxiety which caused us to have a break up conversation.. If she was 25 years old I would try to get back with her in a heartbeat because I'd know I have breathing room to decide if I really wanted a family with her. If it took 2 or 3 years and it didn't work out, she would only be 28 and would still have a ton of time to start a family.
I so badly want to go back to the way things were and just be happy with her again, but the last thing I want to do is break her heart again. She is one of the sweetest girls in the world and I truly care about her. I just have no idea what to do...
Did y'all have sex? I didn't catch it the first 15 times you mentioned it.
It looks like that's all your relationship was about, having sex. No wonder it didn't last long.
What you do is find a new woman to be in your life. It's very clear that you don't want kids and she does. Apparently it's even giving you "performance anxiety" which can be cleared up if you just relax and only engage in sex when you're truly in the mood. If you try to force it, you'll get nervous and kill your erection. Or just take some pills.
I am lost as to what the drama is. You are having performance anxiety but why all the drama over it? So we all go thru those things, it passesIf y. ou both enjoy each other, then continue to see her. The fact she wants kids so soon is something you'll need to consider. She sounds in a very unnatural hurry to give birth. Do not plan to have children already, normal people keep it open if things are going ok. You need time after your marriage to ensure it is strong enough to bring in little ones. I'd wait a year+
First off 33 is not the end of her reproductive span. She can safely have her first child into her upper 30s and a second in early 40s. Do not let her force the relationship / reproductive issue on you. I would advise to communicate this and let the relationship progress naturally.
Seems like the daddy talk killed your libido. Maybe if you used protection and bc you would be back in the game?
I think (and I'm no psychologist) that the OP got scared when she mentioned "having kids within the next year". He wanted to be with her, not be worried about commitment to parenthood - he just doesn't want to have kids just now. Moreover, 3-1/2 months is waaaaay too early to talk about family planning.
Perhaps the thought of her becoming pregnant with his child caused his inability to perform. But again, I'm no expert at this.
First off 33 is not the end of her reproductive span. She can safely have her first child into her upper 30s and a second in early 40s. Do not let her force the relationship / reproductive issue on you.
And she is going through a divorce, why the heck does she need to get married and have kids so fast?
OP, you might be what we call a "rebound boyfriend."
And she is going through a divorce, why the heck does she need to get married and have kids so fast?
OP, you might be what we call a "rebound boyfriend."
Don't sweat it, you can find better.
That's what I was thinking also. She wanted kids but husband cheated on her, so that was dashed. She finds another guy, locks in with him, thinking that he's gonna give her what the cheating hubby didn't - only to discover otherwise.
It's was your fear of entanglement, triggered by the "finally trapped...forever" feeling when she announced she wanted to have children. It's not about age.
The only way you can undo this is by sitting down with her, face-toface and having a real conversation about your fears.
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