athlete in love with her older coach (how to, women, attracted)

[nasu8]

Hello , (i know its a long text but i'm very lost and have no one to ask advice please)

it's been 2years that i have been practicing almost every day with my trainer. I practice a sport which is mainly a "men sport"(but i'm very feminine) so we are very few girls in the gym and i'm currently the only one who is doing competition.

My trainer is great , he trains me well, isn't pay for his job as a trainer and his passion for this sport take him so much time that it cost him a divorce.*
I have very low self-esteem and he was always patient and had kind words when i cried because i was scared of loosing in the competition. I started this year some competitions and i won all of them (mainly because of him training me and suporting me).

My problem is that i'm deeply falling in love with him. I'm 25 years old and he his almost twice my age, he doesn't look interested in me and just see me as her daughter and that hurt so much that it affect my training and just want to go way from him and switch the gym. I don't know if he's physically attracted to me,the first time he told me that i was a beautiful women was after a competition, he wanted to warn me about the mens that was getting around me and looking at me because (what he said) "i'm a beautiful women". The more i did competition the more we had argument about the mens. In my last competition he was angry because the male audiance was kind of sleepy with other athlete's performance but when i started mine they was screaming my name and encouraging me and he was also mad because i laught with some or shake hands. He looked very jalous and told me that he wasn't beeing jalous but just traying to protect me and my image.*

Before starting competitions i wanted to quitt my trainer because i realized that i was falling for him. I told him false reason off why i wanted to live hidding my love. Finally i stayed hoping that those feelings will goes away. After a few months and being more in love i admit to my coach that i was attracted by him. He didn't wanted to lose me. He answered me at first "damn, how can you be attracted by me ?" and then it told me that i'm a women, i know how to control myself, he then tell me that it was nothing to worry about, also: "you are beatiful, athletic, smart, young, you got all your life in front of you" and tried hard to keep me at the gym by many phonecalls and long messages. Few days after i texted him to apologize off saying such things and blaming it for beeing too tired with the competition. I get back to gym and we pretended as nothing happened.

Now we had an argument about something and i used that as an excuse to told him that i'm lefting him. He didn't text me back (yesterday)

I'm lost. I want to continu training with him because he his a great trainer and lead me to victory but at the same time i'm hurt by this intense love i feel for him. I don't know if he is attracted and feel something for me or no. Before he knew my atraction to him he told me that he won't trains girls anymore after me, i will be his last. I tried to ask him why several time but he didnt answer me and got shy. I felt as if it was because he was falling for me and felt it was inapropriate. He his a very respectful and professional person and his passion come before a love affaire (even if it cost a divorce). He later told me that it creat proximity and feelings with the athlete those competition, that he was getting attached, so he won't train girl anymore.

Do you think he ignored my attraction because is not attracted by me or because he want to stay professional ?
Should i continu to train with him or change my trainer even if i know i would get disapointed with another one?

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by nasu8

Hello , (i know its a long text but i'm very lost and have no one to ask advice please)

it's been 2years that i have been practicing almost every day with my trainer. I practice a sport which is mainly a "men sport"(but i'm very feminine) so we are very few girls in the gym and i'm currently the only one who is doing competition.

My trainer is great , he trains me well, isn't pay for his job as a trainer and his passion for this sport take him so much time that it cost him a divorce.*
I have very low self-esteem and he was always patient and had kind words when i cried because i was scared of loosing in the competition. I started this year some competitions and i won all of them (mainly because of him training me and suporting me).

My problem is that i'm deeply falling in love with him. I'm 25 years old and he his almost twice my age, he doesn't look interested in me and just see me as her daughter and that hurt so much that it affect my training and just want to go way from him and switch the gym. I don't know if he's physically attracted to me,the first time he told me that i was a beautiful women was after the competition, he wanted to warn me about the mens that was getting around me and looking at me because (what he said) "i'm a beautiful women". The more i did competition the more we had argument about the mens. In my last competition he was angry because the audiance was kind of sleepy with other athlete's performance but when i started mine they was screamin my name and encouraging me and he was also mad because i laught with some or shake hands. He looked very jalous and told me that he wasn't beeing jalous but just traing to protect me and my image.*

Before starting competitions i wanted to quitt my trainer because i realized that i was falling for him. I told him false reason off why i wanted to live hidding my love. Finally i stayed hoping that those feelings will goes away. After a few months and being more in love i admit to my coach that i was attracted by him. He didn't wanted to lose me. He answered me at first "damn, how can you be attracted by me ?" and then it told me that i'm a women and i know how to control myself, he then tell me that it was notihing to worry about and tried hard to keep me at the gym by many calls and long messages. Few days after i texted him to apologize off saying such things and blaming it for beeing too tired with the competition. I get back to gym and we pretended as nothing happened.

Now we had an argument about something and i used that as an excuse to told him that i'm lefting him. He never text me back.

I'm lost. I want to continu training with him because he his a great trainer and lead me to victory but at the same time i'm hurt by this intense love i feel for him. I don't know if he is attracted and feel something for me or no. Before he knew my atraction to him he told me that he won't trains girls anymore. I tried to ask him why several time but he didnt nswear me and get shy. I flet as if it was because he was falling for me and felt it wasn't professional. He his a very respectful and professional person and his passion come before a love affaire (even if it cost a divorce). He later told me that it creat proximity and feelings with the athlete those competition, that he was getting attached.*

Do you think he ignored my attraction because is not attracted by me or because he won't too stay professional ?
Should i continu to train with him or change my trainer even if i know i would get disapointed with another one?

Yes, you should find a new trainer. They are out there.

I have been in this exact situation. It is very common to confuse the care that comes from a trainer with romantic feelings. If he wanted to, your trainer would have made a move toward you when you admitted your feelings. Now it appears the admission has caused awkwardness that you won't be able to overcome.

If you are serious about boxing, you need to be more professional about it and regulate your feelings better. You HAVE to keep things strictly professional between you and your trainer, and if he does not return your feelings you must respect his.

The best way to do that is to move on and leave him alone.

[SVTLightning]

yes. no.

[nasu8]

Originally Posted by BirdieBelle

Yes, you should find a new trainer. They are out there.

I have been in this exact situation. It is very common to confuse the care that comes from a trainer with romantic feelings. If he wanted to, your trainer would have made a move toward you when you admitted your feelings. Now it appears the admission has caused awkwardness that you won't be able to overcome.

If you are serious about boxing, you need to be more professional about it and regulate your feelings better. You HAVE to keep things strictly professional between you and your trainer, and if he does not return your feelings you must respect his.

The best way to do that is to move on and leave him alone.

So you think he's not attracted by me? It's hard to annihilate hope when i didn't hear from his mouth that he have absolutely no interest in me but for the sport.

It's a hard step to leave but if i leave him, it will be easier if he tell me if he feel something for me or no.

Will it be akward if i ask him now: "You asked to be honest about why i wanted to leave you and i told you it was because i'm attracted by you, now can you be honest too and tell me if you ignored my attraction too you because you have none for me or because you want to keep it professional?"

How did it goes with you new trainer after leaving your old one ?

[nasu8]

Originally Posted by SVTLightning

yes. no.

can you be more specific please

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by nasu8

So you think he's not attracted by me?

I cannot speculate.

Originally Posted by nasu8

It's hard to annihilate hope when i didn't hear from his mouth that he have absolutely no interest in me but for the sport.

It doesn't REALLY matter if he has some or no attraction. He obviously doesn't want to act on your feelings or he would have.

Originally Posted by nasu8

It's a hard step to leave but if i leave him, it will be easier if he tell me if he feel something for me or no.

Unfortunately you are not entitled to force him to make this any easier on you. I know you did not ask for this to happen but you can't demand that he express anything one way or another.

Originally Posted by nasu8

Will it be akward if i ask him now: "You asked to be honest about why i wanted to leave you and i told you it was because i'm attracted by you, now can you be honest too and tell me if you ignored my attraction too you because you have none for me or because you want to keep it professional?"

Yes, it will be incredibly awkward.

Originally Posted by nasu8

How did it goes with you new trainer after leaving your old one ?

We had an affair. My personal life fell apart. I stopped training because it reminded me of him and was too painful.

I'm trying to give you the benefit of learning from someone else's painful experience. Take the mature step of walking away from a situation instead of making it MORE painful just because you don't like the way it's turning out.

[elnina]

Common infatuation with a role model - a teacher, coach, doctor, boss etc. Those people usually are smart, mature, have authority, passionate about what they do, good listener, helpful, understanding, encouraging etc. What's not to love? BUT that's a part of their profession. That's what is expected from them, that's what makes them a great leaders, lovable people.
You need to understand that they are great, because they are all that. To everyone. Not just you.
Your coach is trying his best to work with your self-esteem, and encouraging you to make better efforts. He seems to be very professional, and is not putting any romantic feelings into it. He is not interested to have a fling with you. He is there to teach you new skills and oversee the progress.
Because you have low self-esteem he is complimenting and applauding you more than others. But he is not doing it because he is attracted to you.
You are not some gullible HS teen anymore, so you should understand the difference.
With your silly, immature behavior you made it very hard for him to make you understand your feelings, even in a possible gently way. It also made his work, and your presence feel awkward and uncomfortable.
Hope you learn from it, and keep your feelings to such people to yourself, especially after being told to control yourself. That was pretty straightforward, no?
So, please do not embarrass yourself anymore, and concentrate on your training. Only.

If you decide to leave - you will be leaving your boxing training, not him - because you can't leave someone who was never yours.

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by elnina

...keep your feelings to such people to yourself, especially after being told to control yourself. That was pretty straightforward, no?

Yep, you really can't get a more direct message than that.

[Jobster]

Originally Posted by nasu8

So you think he's not attracted by me? It's hard to annihilate hope when i didn't hear from his mouth that he have absolutely no interest in me but for the sport.

It's a hard step to leave but if i leave him, it will be easier if he tell me if he feel something for me or no.

Will it be akward if i ask him now: "You asked to be honest about why i wanted to leave you and i told you it was because i'm attracted by you, now can you be honest too and tell me if you ignored my attraction too you because you have none for me or because you want to keep it professional?"

How did it goes with you new trainer after leaving your old one ?

Sounds like you're a fighter. You better get your head in the game if that's the case.

Honestly, he seems like he's just being a good dude. There aren't many guys out there like him. You go to another trainer, they might develop feelings for you and not take their training seriously enough.

That's the tough part when you have beautiful females working around men.

Are you trying to be on HBO? What is your objective? You've had 5 fights already, right? I'm assuming you are a pro at 25, right?

If your trainer is keeping you winning and he is mature and responsible enough, as el Nina alluded to above, to be a man and to take his job seriously, then stick with him.

You need to grow up. You know what's going through his mind?

He thinks, you're 25, he's 50.

In 10 years, he's 60, you're 35.

In 20 years, he's 70, and you're 45.

You get the picture? We don't live forever. Not in this life. Okay? Think things through. This is your life that you're playing with if you're a fighter, but if you really can't handle your feelings, then maybe I don't know. Just take some time off.

[SWFL_Native]

google US womens gymnastics and read any of the mentioned headlines. No you're not a minor but it really has tainted all male coaching relationships in female sports... such a shame!