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Yeah Dizzy, we see things a lot the same. Neither of us likes the position we are in that we are both interested in partners who do not feel reciprocally.
In my case I can't really do much about my disinterested partner situation since it's her next move. My only plan is to send her a happy birthday text in 3 months. Or get surprised if she texts/phones me sooner. But I doubt this is anything but failed forever.
So when that happens you just make a new plan. The old one won't work. It is good that we both have access to online dating services and at least neither of us will have to suffer alone. And like I said, being out with a new woman helped me forget Ms. just friends. And being out with new women exposes me to developing the reciprocal relationship I want. It will happen. I won't give up. The outcome is assured, only the time frame is in question.
And everybody should remember, there plenty of really great single men and women out there, and many of them want a relationship too. Dating is a collaborative sport!
Sad to say, and I've been there too (recently), the words "good friend" are not good.
Looks like you made up your mind. I did the same thing. Now a few days later and a new first date yesterday, a new date tonight with another woman, and getting back to a previous woman I dated have made it much easier for me to move on. I find it pretty hard to think about anybody else when I'm out with a nice, pretty, entertaining woman. That sure puts Ms. "good friend" in perspective.
When your heart gets broken, new dates with new partners will fix that.
And this is the reality. The moment you give someone too much of your attention, while they aren't reciprocating your feelings, you've likely already lost. I've been dating around this year and it's been a pleasure. One woman is too busy, okay, I'll see what another woman is doing. Wash, rinse, repeat. I'll settle down when I meet a woman who can give me what I'm looking for and vice versa. All the dates I've been on have been manageable in price, since I don't try to impress with lavish dinners and expensive alcohol tickets. I've also found that most women have just wanted to sit and talk, so something as happened to where women have come to appreciate my ability to carry a conversation.
There's nothing wrong with being a good friend with this woman, but don't take yourself off the market though either. That's where you went wrong with this lady and we've all been there. Overly attracted to her, but undersold the fact that she's likely seeing other people to boot, or if not seeing other people, undersold that she may not share the same feelings you do. A blow of "good friend" is much easier to take when you have a date lined up for the next night.
And this is the reality. The moment you give someone too much of your attention, while they aren't reciprocating your feelings, you've likely already lost. I've been dating around this year and it's been a pleasure. One woman is too busy, okay, I'll see what another woman is doing. Wash, rinse, repeat. I'll settle down when I meet a woman who can give me what I'm looking for and vice versa. All the dates I've been on have been manageable in price, since I don't try to impress with lavish dinners and expensive alcohol tickets. I've also found that most women have just wanted to sit and talk, so something as happened to where women have come to appreciate my ability to carry a conversation.
There's nothing wrong with being a good friend with this woman, but don't take yourself off the market though either. That's where you went wrong with this lady and we've all been there. Overly attracted to her, but undersold the fact that she's likely seeing other people to boot, or if not seeing other people, undersold that she may not share the same feelings you do. A blow of "good friend" is much easier to take when you have a date lined up for the next night.
I feel like I had a good balance with her. I didn't give her too much attention, but enough to show I'm interested. We spent an entire month talking before we finally went on a date, and it was a nice lunch at one of her favorite places to eat near her apartment. I'll keep talking to these other women and am going to back off from her.
Last week I started talking to someone I met on a dating app. We talked for hours and picked up the next day, in which she gave me her number to text more. She talked every day all throughout the day all last week and asked questions to get to know each other better. She said she was beginning to like me. She would even text me good morning, and send me selfies.
She told me some of her hobbies and how she is an aunt to a 4 year old and loves it. We settled on going out for coffee this past Sunday. When Sunday came, she told me we had to reschedule due to her niece being sent to the ER the night before for a fever of 101. She said her sister needed help as her niece was being very clingy and wasn't resting. I told her no problem I understood, as I had a family cookout to attend to in the late afternoon anyways.
We talked for a bit yesterday and she said didn't know when her next day off would be, but she said we could possibly meet up after she gets out of work on Thursday. She seemed a bit distant, and we didn't talk for the rest of the day at all. I decided not to text her today to give her space, but I am bit confused as to why she suddenly switched up on me.
Her husband found the app on her phone and said, "Honey, what's this?"
Dizzy my feeling from your story you wrote above that you either did things just right, or maybe "an entire month talking" was a mistake. That would be totally out of character for me. All I want to discover after moving off the OLD site to email/phone/text is whether we have enough in common that we stand a chance for a relationship. Once we have both agreed on that it comes down to the next day we both have unbooked, and where to meet.
Meeting in person is the acid test. Nothing can take the place of it. You either both like each other or you do not.
When you get down to real life my process flow is all over the map. I have a date tonight with a woman I met OLD maybe a week ago. We exchanged a few OLD messages, yes we were both interested, for some reason she didn't want phone so we went email and right off it was pretty much let's just meet and we'll have plenty of time after if we are attracted.
She'll be the first date who I've never heard her voice. Her profile pic is cute and we are both interested in art. (I'm involved, pretty sure she is too.) So I know if nothing else we'll have a good time tonight even if it's our only date.
I'm pretty sure you are younger than me. I'm also wary that things may be different for younger people than people my age. I still can't help but thinking you should have arranged a date sooner than a month.
Maybe it's as simple as possibly to interest somebody we have to sneak up on their romance quickly, before we get categorized as familiar objects, "good friend" not "possible lover." It could even be similar to brotherly love where a woman can get too comfortable with you as almost a brother, and then by the time you want romance it becomes almost incestuous in a strange way.
I didn't take this subject in school. I'm just developing my thoughts and expressing my opinion. And also, nothing works for everybody. We can all disagree yet all be right at the same time. Love does not follow scientific logic, and it varies depending on the individuals involved. Love is the opposite of science, and good thing too!
So we were talking last night and I told her how this past month has been a pleasure getting to know her, and that I really like her. She asked what makes me like her so much. I told her she's kind, has a good head on her shoulders, has a good work ethic, easy to talk to, and that she is gorgeous. She said it was incredibly sweet of me to say such nice things. I told her I would love to continue to talk and hangout to see where it leads.
She told me she understands, but said it's too early for her to tell and she doesn't want to rush anything. That's fine with me because I don't either. She said right now she sees me as a good friend. I told her that is fine with me and there is no need to rush. She replied saying I'm awesome with a smiley face.
I took it as I'm being friend-zoned and am just going to move on.
I think the above in blue is way too much - too much emotion, sounds too attached, too complimentary, too much too soon, too much ingratiation, a turn off because you sound too eager, too many cards placed on the table.
And the line "I would love to continue to talk and hangout to see where it leads" is a turn off which contains too much eagerness and rushing.
Relationships need to develop casually. You also sounded like you know her more deeply than you really do with all the positive adjectives you gave her.
I don't know if I agree with Matisse or not, but in a few cases I believe I talked my way out of a relationship that might have worked if I had just shut up. My most recent failed relationship, she sent me a text in response to a previous phone conversation, and although I prefer to not share the details it appears to me that what I said in the phone conversation led to the text which eventually led to no more dates. And the real kicker is that we didn't have to have that phone conversation. It was just idle chit chat, but something triggered her (I think it was financial) and suddenly I was on the outside of an affair that showed great promise.
I'm almost wondering if it isn't better to just have a good time and quit having these heart to heart talks. Or if we have them, keep them short and sweet. I know for sure you can talk yourself out of a relationship you really wanted.
The secret is knowing how to keep your big foot out of your mouth, and I haven't figured that one out yet. In fact maybe if I put my big foot in my mouth it might inhibit me from saying stupid things that causes relationships to fail.
There IS such a thing as saying too much. The only question is how much is just right. Go over or go under and you lose.
I think the above in blue is way too much - too much emotion, sounds too attached, too complimentary, too much too soon, too much ingratiation, a turn off because you sound too eager, too many cards placed on the table.
And the line "I would love to continue to talk and hangout to see where it leads" is a turn off which contains too much eagerness and rushing.
Relationships need to develop casually. You also sounded like you know her more deeply than you really do with all the positive adjectives you gave her.
Sorry but I disagree. We've been talking and texting for a month, gone on dates, and still continue to talk daily. At that point someone has to ask where this is going. I'm not saying we need to date right this second, but come on, it's been over a month. At this point, **** or get off the pot. I have enough friends and don't need anymore. I feel like people over-amply that some of that crap.
I don't know if I agree with Matisse or not, but in a few cases I believe I talked my way out of a relationship that might have worked if I had just shut up. My most recent failed relationship, she sent me a text in response to a previous phone conversation, and although I prefer to not share the details it appears to me that what I said in the phone conversation led to the text which eventually led to no more dates. And the real kicker is that we didn't have to have that phone conversation. It was just idle chit chat, but something triggered her (I think it was financial) and suddenly I was on the outside of an affair that showed great promise.
I'm almost wondering if it isn't better to just have a good time and quit having these heart to heart talks. Or if we have them, keep them short and sweet. I know for sure you can talk yourself out of a relationship you really wanted.
The secret is knowing how to keep your big foot out of your mouth, and I haven't figured that one out yet. In fact maybe if I put my big foot in my mouth it might inhibit me from saying stupid things that causes relationships to fail.
There IS such a thing as saying too much. The only question is how much is just right. Go over or go under and you lose.
For me, the best way I've kept my foot out of my mouth, is not to be too emotionally invested in any one woman, until I know for sure we're both into each other. Most people put their foots in their mouth, because they're only talking to one person. I can always tell when I'm possibly about to put my foot in my mouth too. It always tends to happen when I'm a bit more invested than I should be for the amount of time we had been talking to each other. So something ends up happening that's really not a big deal, but I make it a big deal, because I'm more invested than I should be.
That's just my opinion from my experiences, because I've seen women do the same thing with me too. If I'm not reciprocating them in accordance to how they feel, then little things became big things rather quickly.
For me, the best way I've kept my foot out of my mouth, is not to be too emotionally invested in any one woman, until I know for sure we're both into each other. Most people put their foots in their mouth, because they're only talking to one person. I can always tell when I'm possibly about to put my foot in my mouth too. It always tends to happen when I'm a bit more invested than I should be for the amount of time we had been talking to each other. So something ends up happening that's really not a big deal, but I make it a big deal, because I'm more invested than I should be.
That's just my opinion from my experiences, because I've seen women do the same thing with me too. If I'm not reciprocating them in accordance to how they feel, then little things became big things rather quickly.
Yeah that's very true. I've learned that the hard way. Still am learning but that's part of the process I guess lol.
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