Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
So, I wasn't really sure where to post this since it has to do with jobs.
I was going to post it in the job board but it is a relationship thing so, I don't know. Hope this is the right spot.
So today, my fiancee put her two weeks resignation in again. For the third time in a year.
Now, I understand the first one, I used to work there too and it was a horrible place. I was there for 7 months and she was there for 9, it got so bad that I went to the ER for stress related issues in a 6 week period towards the end of it all.
After that, things have been on the up and up for me. I started temping at a good company and was eventually hired on as a permanent employee.
She, however, has spiraled from job to job.
And I get it, in a way, it's entry level non-career stuff, I mean that's how I felt at first about it anyway. But this whole situation is really stressing me out.
She has always had bad people skills. She was really shy when we first met, yeah okay that's fine. And she's friendly enough with people, but it's like when things go beyond the surface. You know how any job situation can be.
It's hard to describe, but you know, maybe think of like some kind of dynamic work social situation come up and think about the way that you may have navigated it. Well hers is just not good.
I worked with her for 7 months, I've seen how she is. For the most part she was good, but towards the end when we were both dreading it there and wanting to quit - I was able to hide it and get through the day, but she was simply not able to do so. When she doesn't like something, there's just no hiding it.
Before we met, she had worked at two jobs for a number of years. One was for two years I think and the other was about a year or so. So I know she's capable of doing longer term. I know one or two years isn't longer term for a lot of people, but she's in her early twenties, I'm in my mid twenties and I've moved around a lot so my work history has not been very long until now.
And she worked the two jobs I mentioned before during HS.
Recently, she has been complaining about management issues at her current work. At first she had loved it there, but I guess that's how it normally is - you love it until you don't. She had been complaining about it for about a month or so, and then today she reached her breaking point when she received the schedule for the next month that put her only two days a week from 5 days a week without warning.
Now, my reaction would be upset, but I would calm myself down and go in the next day or maybe call a manager or e-mail or whatever to ask what had happened, because I had been promised 32 hours.
She decided to put in her two weeks notice.
She is getting ready to go out of town for the next couple of days so I dropped her off tonight. I just got on my computer and realized that I was still signed in to her e-mail account since she uses my computer sometimes. Well, I saw the resignation letter she sent them.
It was a multi-paragraph long rant about all the issues she had had with the company - and the responses to her e-mail from management was nothing but professional - although one did take a jibe, basically saying that she had bad communication skills as evidenced by her e-mail.
Which, quite frankly, I agree with. My fiancee never told me anything about her resignation letter and if she had showed it to me before sending it, I would have absolutely begged her not to send it. She has been working there since September of last year, so she has all this time with a company who she has now burned bridges with. One manager said in response that she could use them as a reference, but what type of reference would that be? I'm thinking a bad one.
She had been looking for a new job for the past week or so, so at least that's in the works but this whole thing is so disheartening. I keep thinking about the future and wondering what type of job can she get with these wretched social-communication skills?
Even if I didn't like where I worked, I would still navigate the job carefully just to cover my own ass for however long I need to until I can get out safely. It's like as soon as she decides she doesn't like a place for whatever reason it should be engulfed in hellfire and that's it.
We just finished making a large purchase, we have a bunch of bills to pay, I'm still in college and she's about to be in August (hopefully, that's an entirely different story for another day), so yeah, there's no ideal time to leave a job, but this was probably one of the worst.
Now I'm super stressed out (already was stressed), wondering what August is going to look like for bills. I pretty much pay 90% of everything, but my income alone isn't enough to cover all the bills and have wiggle room.
I just feel like I am in a relationship with a child sometimes and even when I was her age I would not do this kind of crap, (I'd do other kinds of stupid crap, but not this). There have been other hang-ups I have buried deep within me but it's all beginning to creep up in self-doubt in our relationship as a whole.
I am an introvert, probably more introverted than she is, but I have good social skills. I didn't always. I developed them. I am charismatic, easy to get along with and can navigate workplace and pretty much any social situation pretty well. I have friends.
My fiance has poor communication skills. Doesn't try to change or get better in any way. Is meh or okay or bad in social situations and does not have any friends. A few acquaintances kind of but not really any friends. I don't think she knows how to turn an acquaintance into a friend, (not that that's something we consciously do all the time, but even still).
I don't know what type of advice I'm looking for specifically. Any kind really. What should I do? What would you do? I don't know honestly after reading the letter she wrote, I am just at a loss. It was so .. juvenile and petty I didn't even want to finish it. Didn't know if I could stomach finishing it.
I texted her right after to see if she was still awake so I could call her and ask her about it but she's not. I think I may just wait until she gets back from her trip so I don't ruin her vacation. I know she was angry and impulsively wrote it - I've never seen her write a resignation letter like that before.
Maybe we can chalk it up to a stupid mistake one makes when they're young never to revisit again and learn and grow from this, but we live in a small city / large town, how many employers can she bounce through before it begins to effect her ability to get a job?
I will add that all the other employers she left (except the one we left together), were on good terms. This is the second that was bad.
Advice? Thanks for reading. If you want to know any other details just let me know.
Also I will add that I could just be overreacting to this whole thing because I'm stressed and tired, so there's that possibility too..
Last edited by MadeUnderground; 07-23-2018 at 10:12 PM..
Is that you son? Right down to the 'maybe' going to college bit.
First thing to do is decide how much time you are willing to give to the relationship before you decide it simply won't work. My son tells me has set goals for his relationship, the gf needs to quit procrastinating and have enrolled in classes by such and such date, needs to be able to contribute financially to such and such an extent. He has an idea of where he wants to be in life in a few more years and he says he can't see making a life with someone who doesn't share a similar outlook.
In the meantime maybe consider helping her to find an entirely different type of work, one where there is less potential for having to interact with many people.
Your gf may not be concerned about a lack of friends, a lot of people can make do with just a few close friends or family members in their lives. If she's not unhappy about that then leave it be. If she does want more social interaction maybe you could include her in some of the things you do with your friends, or invite one of your friends over for a board game night, or movie and a pizza, or something equally low key to help her get used to being around people without feeling stressed about it.
Last, does she know this is a problem for you, for the relationship? Have you talked to her about how this could be affecting your future together?
I just feel like I am in a relationship with a child sometimes...
Well, that's because you are. This is the worst part though:
Quote:
Originally Posted by MadeUnderground
Doesn't try to change or get better in any way.
That is not good for the future. This is the person who you presumably want to have kids with, who will be a role model for your kids. She can't even make her way through the workday without going off. I don't think youre overreacting. What would I do? I would go (with her) to premarital counseling, at least 5 or 6 sessions with a psychologist. But you said she won't try to change. That's NOT a good sign.
I'm really sorry you are going through this. It soundsl ike you are trying really hard to make your way. What was the large purchase you two made?
I think there is a lot more than poor social/communication skills at play here. How does she treat you? Does she pick fights, act unreasonably, threaten to leave?
Is that you son? Right down to the 'maybe' going to college bit.
Last, does she know this is a problem for you, for the relationship? Have you talked to her about how this could be affecting your future together?
Haha, for I moment, I thought you could be my dad!
I think she does, I do plan to talk to her about it more when she returns. This hasn’t been the first time I’ve had to have a sit down talk with her about something she needed to work on, and I try to be as reflective of myself and my issues and things I need to work on because like anyone I have things I need to improve and I don’t want her to feel like I am just picking on her. I guess I’m just not ready to have another conversation like this about the job situation.
When I met her she worked in fast food, I encouraged her to try to find something she would enjoy more and maybe pay better and give better hours because while she was doing well there she didn’t like it. Maybe it was my mistake to take her from something she had been doing for years in the first place. It’s just hard to get out of fast food once you start because all your background is in fast food so the only other jobs interested are usually other fast food or restaurants.
I don’t think I’ve ever discussed how it effects our future together, but I did worry outwardly to her about the bills. Her parents had just given us a couple hundred dollar loan about 4 or 5 months ago and we had been struggling to pay that back. Normally it would not be as big of a deal, but because we just made a large purchase all our finances have been tied up with that. I’m not sure how I could even begin to talk to her about how it’s affecting our relationship when I already had this kind of talk regarding college.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chicken-wings
That is not good for the future. This is the person who you presumably want to have kids with, who will be a role model for your kids. She can't even make her way through the workday without going off. I don't think youre overreacting. What would I do? I would go (with her) to premarital counseling, at least 5 or 6 sessions with a psychologist. But you said she won't try to change. That's NOT a good sign.
I'm really sorry you are going through this. It soundsl ike you are trying really hard to make your way. What was the large purchase you two made?
I would possibly like to have kids someday but that is about 10 years away from us now. I refuse to have kids until I’m in my mid-thirties.
She normally is able to make it through most work days, it’s just whenever there’s been bad things happening… then it’s like this pouty teenager attitude comes out. This happens when we argue too or she’s upset with me. She just gets pissy and snappy like a little teenager and doesn’t actually communicate what is going on in her head.
I have thought about and talked about counseling just for her at the beginning of this year because it seemed like she was going through some kind of depression. She’s gotten better since then. If I could afford it I would have had her go when we talked about it, but I just can’t afford it.
I considered couple’s counseling but I wondered if we really needed it, but since you suggested it as well, I will look into it. I think it may be really good for us, and I know she would be willing to go.
We just purchased a fence for our house and we have a pretty big lot, so we’re talking about a 8,000 purchase.
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
I think there is a lot more than poor social/communication skills at play here. How does she treat you? Does she pick fights, act unreasonably, threaten to leave?
To be honest, she does treat me well, but it could be better (and I could just be picky but I’ll explain a little later). She does not pick fights, she has never threatened to leave, (in fact I think I may have once in the heat of an argument a year or so back), and I do not think she acts unreasonably most of the time.
She’s frugal with money, takes care of our pets (we are big animal lovers so we have a handful), it has been a struggle to get her to do more around the house otherwise because she works less than me and is home before me, so it just makes sense that whoever does that does more around the house. Well the first several months I still cooked and cleaned the majority of the time. We had a come to Jesus talk about that and it changed quite a bit. She didn’t really improve on the cooking much, but the cleaning got better. I still try to help when I get home. I could do more with the dogs, I am bad about that sometimes.
As for what I meant earlier about treating me better – well I’ve communicated to her what I would like her to do for me to show me she loves or cares. When we first met, I was big on gestures. It’s what I do. I plan picnics, randomly make lunches, draw a warm bath after a long day for her and have snacks and music, I may buy a random gift that makes me think of her or something she likes. My birthday and Christmas gifts for her are the same.
She is not a good gift giver. Not everyone is, I know. But to me, you don’t have to be good but maybe just care and try more? I feel like if I person really cares wouldn’t they notice what you are into and be able to get a gift accordingly? Anyway, it is what it is. I’ve given up with that.
Anyway, a general update to everyone:
Thank you so much for your responses. I really do appreciate every single one of them.
After I wrote the post on here last night, she replied to my text. I asked if she could take a phone call but she couldn’t. I told her that I saw her resignation letter last night. She took a while to reply but eventually said, admitting to knowing it was stupid, she gets it.
I just replied that I was really sad about this and that it was hard for me to read. I just said I hope that things get better for her from here and hopefully she uses this as a learning experience. She just said she thinks that it will.
I hope it will or we’re going to be underwater this month.
When are you supposed to get married? You may need to delay ( I really hope you do) because right now you are approaching the relationship more like a parent than a partner you know? That's why you need counseling. You will not be happy if you feel like you are going through life constantly trying to remind her to be civil and "managing" her like a father manages a child while she barely returns the favor of peronally caring for you. That will get old very fast and being married won't make everything better sudenly.
Truthfully, after reading all that, I would have major doubts about entering into a marriage. Marriage is a partnership, romantically, intellectually, and financially. Yet you are entering into this partnership with someone whom you cannot trust. Trust is the bedrock of any successful relationship, and you don't have it here.
First thing's first. If she fires off an angry resignation letter to her employer, then she has major maturity issues. What's more, I'd be interested to know why they slashed her hours like that. Where is the cause and effect?
Second, people skills are nothing more than a product of awareness of others. If her people skills are that terrible on the job, they will likely come to roost in your marriage. I would be leery about marrying someone that self-centered.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
