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He's been with prostitutes & is still looking at escorts. And the question is again?
I suspect this is a regular poster disguising her identity.
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Originally Posted by WeAintHungryNoMore
As for the comment on myself. I didn’t include that at the beginning of the relationship he wouldn’t not only not compliment me. But he would point out my flaws constantly like peach fuzz on the small of my back or if my makeup wasn’t perfect he’d point it out. I had to tell him this was an issue. So he apologized and just stopped telling me anything until I had a later conversation about how I gotta get something from him because I was so down. I realize that I have to see my self worth. And I do, but it’s hard when you feel you’re not even appealing the one who loves you.
Is he on the spectrum? I can't imaging a neurotypical guy blurting this stuff out.
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Oh and we moved in together because of financial situations. Yes I agree it was dumb but I am young and in love and most importantly broke.
Young, in love, but not heading for marriage I guess. Which for more mature couples tends to be the main reason for moving in together. Now look where you are, facing the prospect of breaking up and losing your financial "benefits." I hope you didn't sign a lease.
OP here
This post was written out of initial anger from being betrayed. It’s hard to make it known that 90% of the time was a great relationship. But the other 10% is heavy on me. That being said, my relationship is NOT healthy and I’ll admit that, we have taken some space for the time being (my call)
Here is the part where I am having issues just leaving because. No I am not going to live my life like this. However. I do trust he hasn’t physically met up with anyone without any doubt. He’s let me know wherever he was but most of the time we were together. With all of the craziness going on. That isn’t a worry. So there is some trust left or maybe I’ve convinced myself that there is because I’m the alibi.
But anything throughout our relationship, any issue I’ve brought to him, he genuinely tries to work on it. He never makes me feel crazy for thinking a certain way, even when I can admit I’m being crazy. Example. He and his family are heavy smokers. I didn’t like it, so he quit and was pissy for 2 weeks, but did it! No relapse but he does dip on occasion. The compliment thing was an issues at the beginning of our relationship and still is. But he has actively tried to make things better. How can I so quickly drop someone who will never stop trying. I really do believe this was a slip up but as I said before. I am not a forgiving person. So I wanted to get some feedback and other peoples opinions/experiences. Even those who just wanna knock some sense into me. I very much do consider your input to help me change my thinking, and maybe I can help the tiny me in my head from arguing.
Last edited by WeAintHungryNoMore; 09-24-2018 at 01:04 PM..
How can I so quickly drop someone who will never stop trying.
You've only been dating 10 months. You just aren't in a position to know if he will "never stop trying."
These phrases from your previous posts are the most problematic to me:
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Originally Posted by WeAintHungryNoMore
(I really had no problem with this, everyone has a history)
While this may seem like a forgiving attitude to have, it really can be enabling behavior and a sign that you are letting your standards/personal boundaries erode.
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Originally Posted by WeAintHungryNoMore
Since then, I’d brought up the subject looking for reassurance that he is not doing anything. He would try to change the conversation because “he’s not proud of himself and he dosnt like to bring it up. Also, the first night he got caught, he changed his password and the fact was never brought up again.
He is continuing to be shady right in front of you.
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Originally Posted by WeAintHungryNoMore
I havnt really recovered. ... So I have lost all of my confidence.
This ^^ is your subconscious trying to warn you that you aren't happy.
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Originally Posted by WeAintHungryNoMore
I confronted him and he said again that he is just looking at the ads.
Justifying his behavior. Even though he may not be calling and using the escorts, he is devoting emotional energy to them. It is like having an emotional affair.
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Originally Posted by WeAintHungryNoMore
While we were fighting he said “I thought you were gonna break up with me” as his reason for looking at the ads again.
This ^^^ is him blaming you for his choices.
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Originally Posted by WeAintHungryNoMore
If it is, is he untrustworthy and could keep on lying, or just not ready to deal with/fully admit and deal with a problem?
He will definitely keep lying and probably is lying to you currently about his habits.
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Originally Posted by WeAintHungryNoMore
Reading you reply it sounds like I’m the crazy one, which I may well be. I’m which case, what is my issue? And is it a real issue or am a making a lot of nothing?
The question is not "which one of you is crazy." You BOTH have serious hang-ups that are making the relationship unhealthy. And thinking that one of you can blame the other is a problematic way of looking at a relationship anyway. It takes two to tango.
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Originally Posted by WeAintHungryNoMore
But he would point out my flaws constantly like peach fuzz on the small of my back or if my makeup wasn’t perfect he’d point it out. I had to tell him this was an issue.
So in addition to being addicted to porn and trolling for escorts, he also is a cruel person who is unable to compliment you genuinely.
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Originally Posted by WeAintHungryNoMore
I realize that I have to see my self worth. And I do...
It really doesn't sound like you do, though. It sounds like you live for external validation and need it to feel good about yourself. But that is not sustainable, and it will make you unable to have a healthy relationship with anyone. NO ONE can prop you up from the outside. You have to do that from the inside.
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Originally Posted by WeAintHungryNoMore
, but it’s hard when you feel you’re not even appealing the one who loves you.
That definitely doesn't help, which is another sign that you two are not a match.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WeAintHungryNoMore
Oh and we moved in together because of financial situations. Yes I agree it was dumb but I am young and in love and most importantly broke.
Financial reasons? Ugh
Are you able to live on your own or with another roommate? I believe the best thing for you is to end this relationship and move out to work on yourself. Can you move out?
I know I sound really bad on this thread, but that is because I don’t know anyone and I’m letting my vulnerabilities out. In REAL life, I had his **** out of My house that day, told him not to contact me. I’ll call him when I’ve figured out what’s going on and cooled down enough to remain civil.
Financially, I own MY home. My parents are willing to help me out. By the way, I’m 23 and my (ex?) is 21.
You know....happy and healthy relationships just aren't that hard. Sure, couples can still have problems...but the relationship itself is not one of the problems.
It took a second marriage to figure that out. When you keep trying to jam square objects into round holes, you get resistance. You two are not 'clicking', you're not complements to each other, and you're both making each other unhappy.
I know I sound really bad on this thread, but that is because I don’t know anyone and I’m letting my vulnerabilities out. In REAL life, I had his **** out of My house that day, told him not to contact me. I’ll call him when I’ve figured out what’s going on and cooled down enough to remain civil.
Financially, I own MY home. My parents are willing to help me out. By the way, I’m 23 and my (ex?) is 21.
So ... you're saying you just wrote out all that stuff for the sake of posting but you kicked him out ... when?
I know I sound really bad on this thread, but that is because I don’t know anyone and I’m letting my vulnerabilities out. In REAL life, I had his **** out of My house that day, told him not to contact me. I’ll call him when I’ve figured out what’s going on and cooled down enough to remain civil.
Financially, I own MY home. My parents are willing to help me out. By the way, I’m 23 and my (ex?) is 21.
OP, there's nothing at all wrong with being vulnerable with safe people. It shows character and strength, not weakness.
Look, your BF has lied to you several times, and really, you have no idea how many times in addition. It takes ONE act of deception to damage and destroy trust--one. A partner who truly loves and cares for you will take it upon himself and want to guard and protect your feelings, not destroy them or you. That's not your BF; his selfishness is salient and well demonstrated.
It's not what he's lying about, it's about him lying, i.e., betrayal, deception. It's cruel to do that to another person. Do you want to spend your time in the relationship trying to figure out if what he is saying is a lie or the truth? What a waste of your life.
For whatever reason, you over maximize his positive qualities and downplay his unacceptable and damaging behaviors. He does not need to defend himself because you do that for him. He is not taking your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth from you; you are willingly handing them over to him. Tread lightly, please.
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