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I just scheduled a 1:1 Counseling Session with a Therapist (luckily my insurance covers it) for my Divorce that is in process, feel free to search for the ultra long thread, I didn't want to post this question it, because I have now moved on to the steps of healing myself, well my Attorney recommended it too. This is going to be a long process, but I figure I need to feel good about myself now, and not be moping around feeling sadness. My Wife seems to be giddy and laughing and not feeling much pain, so why can't I expel the same to let her know I'm doing fine.
So I'm going to be asking the Therapist many questions to gain closure with the long relationship I had with my Wife that is coming to an end.
One big one that is still on my mind, though I know there was problems in our marriage, from both sides what I'll never get it the fact she did not just flip a switch prior to me finding out she was cheating online (well not really cheating now, because the person isn't real). I feel now, like she wasn't sincere and was just being fake to still get the milk from the cow, but not really wanted to keep the cow.
Up until the day I found out, she was saying "love you" to me daily, we hugged each other and had good days and times. She wanted to go out and do things, go out for dinner, was acting like things were okay not giving me much to work on or see, though I knew I had plenty to work on.
Did not have an attitude or nasty aura, though we got in fights, sometimes she initiated it, she would e-mail the following morning when I was at work saying I'm truly sorry, let's not do this to each-other.
After I confronted her about what she was doing online, it was a light switch change. I mean, why live a lie, if you are not happy, just admit it, have some balls. So now I reflect back over the past 6 months or so, all those times we did things together were just fake and not sincere, that goes for me allowing her to buy material things online, giving her money to shop and etc.
I thought maybe it was due to the fact she has no means to move out on her own and maybe was avoiding the inevitable, but that's what she decided to do, maybe it's because she thinks the online ghost is going to support her at some time?
Maybe she really was wishing the two of you could reconnect, but it was already gone/unsavable.
If she were using you and needed your money she probably wouldn't seem happy now. I think you did mean something to her, don't think it was all for nothing.
Maybe she does care about you, but deep down had already mentally left the marriage. It's true that she should have had the guts to just end it, but obviously there was something there, if you were together for years.
You need to focus on you. You're hurting. Keep seeing your therapist. Don't hold this in. You need to talk about it.
Really, there are no rules when you're dealing with someone who acts like a sociopath, except don't trust a word they say.
Now that you have witnessed her pattern for yourself, it should be easier for you to understand how she can bide her time and play the part to get what she wants.
I remember at one time you said she was working a job that earned $90k, and I was wondering what happened to that situation. Things certainly did decline after that.
At any rate, you can't apply logic to this situation. Someone like this isn't necessarily a BAD person. It's just that she doesn't really have true feelings for other people besides herself. She can set up circumstances to make it look like she has feelings in order to perpetuate what she wants, and that can be very persuasive.
Even so, you really do not need to spend your valuable therapy time trying to analyze your ex from afar.
Keep your questions focused on YOU. Ask your therapist how YOU got into this situation. Because as you move forward, you will be all you have, and you want to be equipped to do things differently next time.
Wait. OP, are you the man who didn't have sex with your wife for years?
Look...I know you're hurting and I don't want to contribute to that, and I am so very sorry, but there's no way you didn't realize there was a huge disconnect way before this. I don't think this woman is necessarily a sociopath, she was just suffocating from loneliness, and probably as scared you are now of just ending a 20-year marriage. You two haven't really been a match for years.
I do think what she did was wrong - there's really no debating that - but this isn't out of the blue shocking behavior in the middle of an otherwise healthy relationship.
Maybe she really was wishing the two of you could reconnect, but it was already gone/unsavable.
If she were using you and needed your money she probably wouldn't seem happy now. I think you did mean something to her, don't think it was all for nothing.
Maybe she does care about you, but deep down had already mentally left the marriage. It's true that she should have had the guts to just end it, but obviously there was something there, if you were together for years.
You need to focus on you. You're hurting. Keep seeing your therapist. Don't hold this in. You need to talk about it.
Not sure, to me it felt like she was playing it safe and enjoying the gravy train, playing me is a good way to look at it.
I might have met something to her at one time, but I think it's weak to not fess up when you feel it's time to cut your losses and don't play pretend. Also in her head and due to no job or money saved, she needs someone cannot be independent, she is fooled in her current fantasy, instead of just telling me a month ago before this all happened that it's over, she waited till there was a time that made me look like the one who caused it, reverse psychology.
She has never said "Sorry", she seems to have bi-polar tendencies about it, one day being nasty and other days being pleasant, it's messed up, though I know her mind is made up I think she has not come back down to earth yet.
I could have said it's over too, but I'm not like that, way too nice and wouldn't want to live with it, because while our relationship had major issues, it wasn't as bad as somepeople I know where there is alcohol involved, physical and verbal abuse.
Really, there are no rules when you're dealing with someone who acts like a sociopath, except don't trust a word they say.
Now that you have witnessed her pattern for yourself, it should be easier for you to understand how she can bide her time and play the part to get what she wants.
I remember at one time you said she was working a job that earned $90k, and I was wondering what happened to that situation. Things certainly did decline after that.
At any rate, you can't apply logic to this situation. Someone like this isn't necessarily a BAD person. It's just that she doesn't really have true feelings for other people besides herself. She can set up circumstances to make it look like she has feelings in order to perpetuate what she wants, and that can be very persuasive.
Even so, you really do not need to spend your valuable therapy time trying to analyze your ex from afar.
Keep your questions focused on YOU. Ask your therapist how YOU got into this situation. Because as you move forward, you will be all you have, and you want to be equipped to do things differently next time.
I know, it's just that it seems like she was putting on an act, nothing was sincere just to don't rock the boat and look for an exit strategy, I know people do that with their jobs and some people do it in a relationship because they are trapped with no means to escape. I think in her respect, it was fake and also the fact she claims she "fell in love" in 1 month, seems like a rush to judgement to a scammer at that, nothing is "logical" about this, it's all messed up.
If you want out of a relationship, you shouldn't keep putting on an act, maybe I don't think that way because I have the ability to be independent? Maybe my views are one-sided here, but I think if she knew she was ready, what difference does 1 month make? Just pull the ejection seat!
No, she never earned that kind of money way 50% of that at best. She only worked there a few days, her Boss pissed her off and she walked out and quit. It was the best job she ever had and she tossed it into the trash without any rationale thinking.
I do see your point, she never said she is "sorry" to me, there really hasn't been any tears or emotion yet, but I'm sure at some point there will be.
No, I don't intend to dwell on her, but I need to get my mind clear of the damage and trash, she really has not shown much care or empathy and that all adds up to what she is.
I do appreciate your responses, your insight is helpful.
Wait. OP, are you the man who didn't have sex with your wife for years?
Look...I know you're hurting and I don't want to contribute to that, and I am so very sorry, but there's no way you didn't realize there was a huge disconnect way before this. I don't think this woman is necessarily a sociopath, she was just suffocating from loneliness, and probably as scared you are now of just ending a 20-year marriage. You two haven't really been a match for years.
I do think what she did was wrong - there's really no debating that - but this isn't out of the blue shocking behavior in the middle of an otherwise healthy relationship.
Yes, I'm Mr. No Sex for 5 years guy, I know it's pathetic.
I am hurting, think more so than her, because she turned off her emotions with delusions of grandeur and thoughts of how great her new fantasy life will be. I'm doing better than I expected, but I think what hurts more is her lack of empathy, and just overall attitude in general. How she just played along with me for the past few months, I know she was contacted by other phony balony on Instagram, but none of them hooked her, so this has been going on for several months.
She seems to have dual personalities, not sure if she is cancelling out the emotion and riding a wave of fantasy or what? She is going to be severely disappointed when she she comes to the end of the maze, there won't be a pot of gold or a life she is dreaming of waiting there, that much I know.
I knew having her at home around the internet, not working was a receipe for disaster, it's like leaving an alcoholic near an unlocked mini bar. She has become an Instgram addict, always checking her posts and how many likes and comments of "oh your hot" by complete strangers, her phone doesn't leave her side now. Addiction has taken over.
The "alone" aspect, yes I see your point but we spent more time together than out of the people we knew prior. Weekends and evenings, we were never apart if ever. I never left her alone at home and went out with the boys, or did weekend trips leaving her to fend for herself, I see that a lot with other relationships, how the survive is beyond me.
If things were bad before, why did you want to stay with her? Whatever answer you give to that question is is the same answer she would give. The affair is not only forcing you, but it is forcing her to wake up as well.
I just scheduled a 1:1 Counseling Session with a Therapist (luckily my insurance covers it) for my Divorce that is in process, feel free to search for the ultra long thread, I didn't want to post this question it, because I have now moved on to the steps of healing myself, well my Attorney recommended it too. This is going to be a long process, but I figure I need to feel good about myself now, and not be moping around feeling sadness. My Wife seems to be giddy and laughing and not feeling much pain, so why can't I expel the same to let her know I'm doing fine.
So I'm going to be asking the Therapist many questions to gain closure with the long relationship I had with my Wife that is coming to an end.
One big one that is still on my mind, though I know there was problems in our marriage, from both sides what I'll never get it the fact she did not just flip a switch prior to me finding out she was cheating online (well not really cheating now, because the person isn't real). I feel now, like she wasn't sincere and was just being fake to still get the milk from the cow, but not really wanted to keep the cow.
Up until the day I found out, she was saying "love you" to me daily, we hugged each other and had good days and times. She wanted to go out and do things, go out for dinner, was acting like things were okay not giving me much to work on or see, though I knew I had plenty to work on.
Did not have an attitude or nasty aura, though we got in fights, sometimes she initiated it, she would e-mail the following morning when I was at work saying I'm truly sorry, let's not do this to each-other.
After I confronted her about what she was doing online, it was a light switch change. I mean, why live a lie, if you are not happy, just admit it, have some balls. So now I reflect back over the past 6 months or so, all those times we did things together were just fake and not sincere, that goes for me allowing her to buy material things online, giving her money to shop and etc.
I thought maybe it was due to the fact she has no means to move out on her own and maybe was avoiding the inevitable, but that's what she decided to do, maybe it's because she thinks the online ghost is going to support her at some time?
Thoughts?
Maybe. Just maybe you fail to support her in all areas of her life.
Apparently, she reached out into a different pasture for a reason.
When your wife starts wandering there is two reasons. Either your failed to care for her needs or she’s a loser.
Yes, I'm Mr. No Sex for 5 years guy, I know it's pathetic.
I am hurting, think more so than her, because she turned off her emotions with delusions of grandeur and thoughts of how great her new fantasy life will be. I'm doing better than I expected, but I think what hurts more is her lack of empathy, and just overall attitude in general. How she just played along with me for the past few months, I know she was contacted by other phony balony on Instagram, but none of them hooked her, so this has been going on for several months.
She seems to have dual personalities, not sure if she is cancelling out the emotion and riding a wave of fantasy or what? She is going to be severely disappointed when she she comes to the end of the maze, there won't be a pot of gold or a life she is dreaming of waiting there, that much I know.
I knew having her at home around the internet, not working was a receipe for disaster, it's like leaving an alcoholic near an unlocked mini bar. She has become an Instgram addict, always checking her posts and how many likes and comments of "oh your hot" by complete strangers, her phone doesn't leave her side now. Addiction has taken over.
The "alone" aspect, yes I see your point but we spent more time together than out of the people we knew prior. Weekends and evenings, we were never apart if ever. I never left her alone at home and went out with the boys, or did weekend trips leaving her to fend for herself, I see that a lot with other relationships, how the survive is beyond me.
Sorry Dude but this isn’t about her. This is about you not giving your wife the big O in 5 years!
Shame on you for blaming her.
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You need to talk about it.
