Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Maybe. Just maybe you fail to support her in all areas of her life.
Apparently, she reached out into a different pasture for a reason.
When your wife starts wandering there is two reasons. Either your failed to care for her needs or she’s a loser.
Which is it?
I did fail, but she failed me too in many aspects as well. It's mutual, the only difference is I don't give up, in life I tend to persevere way beyond what's normal, I always want to fix things. That get's me into trouble often, I don't like to quit, especially something that has/had meaning.
I think many in relationships, long term ones, tend to think they can fix or totally understand the other person, when in reality they can't. You think you know someone can trust them, but many out there and I'm sure many on here reading this are living a lie in their relationships, not totally happy but isn't life a compromise, how many people are 100% happy with their jobs little alone their relationships?
I became too comfortable around her, enabled her too much and being at home with the internet just created a monster of my own doing. She wasn't strong enough to just tell me it's over, she had to find a reason to do it, whether valid or not. If what I believe she is doing, either she knows it's not real or is too manipulated to think it is, having her use a mirage to end it vs. real true love with a real valid person to me is insulting, I think I deserve better.
I would be much better off emotionally to know she has found someone real, vs. the current state, that may sound twisted, but I do want her to be happy. I want to be happy.
I guess I knew nothing with anyone would ever be perfect, the things that were missing were not always missing. I'm too flexible maybe?
Okay, well, that's the same reason why she stayed.
Quote:
I have a big list of things to talk to the Therapist about, most on me and why this is the case, but also I'm trying to find some closure in her logic, because I don't think she is that stupid to think what is going on is real, I'm also beginning to think she has created this fantasy and knows the scammer is such, she is just using it to numb her pain and senses, give her drive and/or the means to move on, because she wasn't getting what she needed from me and she didn't have it in her to do it without some mirage or fantasy to drown out the emotional toll.
Is there such a thing as using someone else as a means to get out of something, surrogate or sacrificial object, that has no emotional value, that is you can't hurt it by playing along, because you know it's intentions are false?
Yes. I'm not a therapist (and I'm not sure any therapist can read your wife's mind) but this is what I think she is doing. I think she is well aware that this is a scammer and is just using it as an escape from reality. I said this early in your other thread. One day she will wake up but she won't wake up any earlier than she wants to or is forced to. She is trying to escape her reality because she doesn't like it so much. Esther Perel says that some people have affairs not because they don't like their spouse anymore, but because they don't like the person that they themselves have become. But I personally think that they can have affairs because they don't like their spouse or their marriage anymore either. All is valid. I suggest you read Esther Perel's book on affairs to get some insight into why people have affairs. The fact that hers was strictly online makes it both easier and harder to swallow.
Sorry Dude but this isn’t about her. This is about you not giving your wife the big O in 5 years!
Shame on you for blaming her.
No, I did give her the big O a few times in 5 years, as she did me, don't want to go into detail. It wasn't like there wasn't physical contact between us, just not the a typical full blown sex. It happened a few times, last being a year ago. I tried, I was very sexual around her, did things should I go as far to say rub up against and or touch, it just did not spark anything serious.
People are more inclined to stay in an unhappy situation they are familiar with, then face the unknown and do the work needed to build a happy life for themselves. The unknown scares most people.
One of my childhood friends has been in a miserable marriage for 15 years. This person would be so much better off if he divorced his spouse, but fears the unknown. It's sad to watch. The guy has a mentally ill spouse, who is an alcoholic, and has been arrested repeatedly for domestic violence against him. His wife also does not work. Personally, I think he has a very low self esteem. He always had a difficult time meeting women and settled for his troubled wife. On some level I think he likes being the sole breadwinner so he is somewhat in control. His fear of being alone won out and he chose not to be selective about who he married. Now, his daily life is a living hell. Actions have consequences.
There were quite a few red flags that you overlooked-- that she cheated on her boyfriend before she started seeing you. Remember, that old saying "If they will do it with you, they will do it to you." She has a mental illness, is not a productive and has never supported herself. Healthy, functional people are are self supporting.
In therapy you need to look at why you decided to ignore the red flags and get into a relationship that did not have the ingredients for success and learn the skills needed to make better choices going forward.
Good luck
I see your point, but why now instead of 2 months ago, do you think she just was stalling and me finding out what was going on just blew that cover?
Yes, sadly what I'm seeing now is history repeating itself, it's almost identical. I know she went through a lot with him, before me, a lot of trauma and issues, she always said she regretted staying with him all those years, when she was young and gave up her life. She left him once, moved out but was nearby, only lasted 6 months till they patched it up and she moved back in, then a 6 to 8 months later she realized it was a big mistake and wanted to get out, was sleeping in different rooms.
So yes, trends of what existed prior are repeating themselves.
One thing with people over a certain age who want to be in a relationship again, it's hard because many have past history and baggage, I knew this going in, I know I'll never be with someone who has a clean slate, I'm not 18, I don't think I could date or be with a Woman half my age, just because she has no "baggage". I will be more observant of someone when and if I start to date again, to determine if this emotional baggage will come with the relationship.
I did not have any prior serious relationships prior to meeting my Wife, she was my first and only true love and thought she was my soul mate. That's the difference here.
I'm only going to respond to the above. It's common to think this way in situations like yours. You question everything and every minute if you let yourself.
The thing is that people are able to compartmentalize their lives. Don't believe that all of those moments and times were fake. Yes, they were happening while there was a huge secret, but I suspect that your soon to be ex was happy and sincere at those times. She shoved the rest of the stuff aside at those times. In those times it was real. It happened. It wasn't fake. What you experienced was real. It was your truth. I wish I could do a better job explaining it to you the way it was explained to me once.
Thanks, I'm trying to rationalize why she didn't just fess up a while ago. I often fail to realize she has done this before, with the previous guy she was with, as well with me, she made threats but didn't go through with it (before we were married).
The only time she actually said it was over was 8 months after we met and were living together, much of how she acted then is similar to now, except she seemed to be more emotional, cried a lot and was torn.
I think you should focus on understanding yourself and stop this frustrating, unproductive attempt to understand her. She is not rational; trying to understand her is likely impossible.
I know, I keep trying to take all the advice on here to do that, I'm just having a very difficult time due to the situation and what has happened over the past few years in terms of deaths in the family and losses of loved ones, they say Divorce is like a death, but I don't see this with her. Maybe she is just numb or locking up that emotional that will come when I'm no longer there, reality check?
... they say Divorce is like a death, but I don't see this with her. Maybe she is just numb or locking up that emotional that will come when I'm no longer there, reality check?
You're wanting to see her suffer, some sign of remorse, but I doubt that will happen, and it's not productive for you to keep looking for it.
Obsessing over her behavior is keeping YOU from moving forward.
It doesn't even have to be any kind of -osis. It could just be her way of coping with life. She turns to fantasy when she's stressed, and when reality hits, she reacts as you might expect when reality is not very pleasant.
How is the search for alternative living arrangements going? You have got to get out of that house ASAP.
The way she is acting does not match up with previous emotional or difficult times, we have been through a lot the past 18 years, so for me it's out of character to see her acting such. I think you are right, fantasy to dull the pain or her senses.
I'm looking but likely cannot move out till December when I get my Bonus, Attorney said it's 100% mine and my Wife thinks she is getting 50%, I have not told her, nor do I want to. I'm holding back information as instructed from my Attorney, to not educate her too much.
It's not my fault that my Wife is too busy chatting with this scammer all day long at home while I'm at work, if she doesn't want to get her duck's in a row, that's her choice. I think she is not preparing herself too well, she is trying to find a job and has some interviews scheduled, but reality is just blind.
Okay, well, that's the same reason why she stayed.
Yes. I'm not a therapist (and I'm not sure any therapist can read your wife's mind) but this is what I think she is doing. I think she is well aware that this is a scammer and is just using it as an escape from reality. I said this early in your other thread. One day she will wake up but she won't wake up any earlier than she wants to or is forced to. She is trying to escape her reality because she doesn't like it so much. Esther Perel says that some people have affairs not because they don't like their spouse anymore, but because they don't like the person that they themselves have become. But I personally think that they can have affairs because they don't like their spouse or their marriage anymore either. All is valid. I suggest you read Esther Perel's book on affairs to get some insight into why people have affairs. The fact that hers was strictly online makes it both easier and harder to swallow.
Good info, thanks. I can see some valid reasoning in this.
For me it's hard to believe she would send pictures of her debit card (both sides) to the scammer, but she did know there was nothing to lose since it has a low balance.
Whether she does this with her new bank card, that I gave her a check for that was just deposited will be the question. Then I'd think she isn't aware of it and is too manipulated to see it.
Also she seems to want to be friends still, she talks to me like things use to be, if I don't push her buttons or harass her she is fine. Last night I went to bed, I head her say "Hello, Not going to say good night"? All of this is confusing me on her state of mind.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
