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It’s hard after a decade and he is always so nice in front of everyone. He will get mad at me if we have to go out with my friends get me all upset so then I seem like the crazy one in front of people. I don’t tell many people what is really going on.
You have more choices than being married or being alone.
You can live in a community with neighbors who are active together. A townhouse community, an apartment complex.
You can share an apartment with a friend.
I once lived in a condo in a high-rise. I found lovely friends within the building. We met while walking our dogs at the park across the street. Too bad work took me out of the area: I loved living there.
I agree with others who suggest talking with staff at women's centers and other places to learn more ways of living happily. And get out of the house and make some new friends - you can be happy again.
I mostly leave him alone to play on his computer or phone and drink his beer I rarely ask him to do anything for me and try not to nag him and he never expects or asks me to do anything for him but I do. I offer to make him something to eat, get him a drink, give him a massage. He always says no thanks. Only time he lets me is when he is sick....but whenever I ask him for something he seems annoyed. For example last night I asked him if he would rub my head and my back because I had a stomach ache and wasn’t feeling good and he got annoyed and said it was late and he is going to bed and the he didn’t feel well either (which he says a lot). I was hurt. He didn’t even seem to care at all. If I tell him how I feel he just gets more defensive.
Right but I’m 44. The pickings are slim as you get older.
No, the pickings are not at all slim in the mid-40's. There are lots of pickings at that age. Besides, wouldn't being alone be better than what you have? Your sham of a caring partnership has got to be depressing, I would think. Do you really want to spend the next 40 years of your life like this, just because you believe you have no choice? Really?
Why did you marry him? Did he show no selfish or self-absorbed or gaming-addicted signs during the dating process?
Sounds like a selfish person. Get out now. I've lasted 40 years because we cherish one another. Find someone who really cares, he does not. You are essentially being used.
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Originally Posted by stan4
Dumping material
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adriank7
He won’t do marriage counseling and he says we can’t afford it either (insurance doesn’t cover much) even though we can.
I don’t want to leave him only because I couldn’t find someone else. It’s because we sometimes have a good friendship as in we have the same sense of humor and sometimes can laugh together but when he is in one of those moods and really distant it’s hurtful and it’s happening more and more. I think after years the acoholol is affecting him mentally. I’ve tried talking to him in all sorts of ways but nothing works. He might change for a day or be nice and apologize if I ignore him but it doesn’t last.
How much alcohol? No insight, no recovery.
My wife and I were in our 40s when we dated and got married. She wasn't looking, I was. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Living with a selfish drunk who cares mostly about himself...doesn't sound like very fulfilling experience.
Some depends on your finances. If you'll be dirt poor if you two go your separate ways, that's part of your decision matrix. Make a decision matrix, it can help.
It seems to me you are more afraid of being alone than anything else. You certainly haven't said anything here positive about him. You can leave him and, after a time of mourning the death of the relationship, most likely have a more fulfilling life, or you can stay and be unhappy. One is guaranteed, you are all ready experiencing it........the other is full of potential.
He won’t do marriage counseling and he says we can’t afford it either (insurance doesn’t cover much) even though we can.
I don’t want to leave him only because I couldn’t find someone else. It’s because we sometimes have a good friendship as in we have the same sense of humor and sometimes can laugh together but when he is in one of those moods and really distant it’s hurtful and it’s happening more and more. I think after years the acoholol is affecting him mentally. I’ve tried talking to him in all sorts of ways but nothing works. He might change for a day or be nice and apologize if I ignore him but it doesn’t last.
You're wrong about the bolded. And even if you were right, wouldn't being alone be better than what you have now? That's a lousy reason to stay in a bad marriage.
Again, I ask you: do you really want 40 more years of this? Day in, day out, month after month, year after long year? If that's what you choose, instead of liberating yourself while you're still young, you forfeit your right to come here and complain, because it would a conscious, deliberate choice on your part. And 40 years is a long time to hold your tongue, OP.
Have you posted here before? This story sounds very familiar.
I mostly leave him alone to play on his computer or phone and drink his beer I rarely ask him to do anything for me and try not to nag him and he never expects or asks me to do anything for him but I do. I offer to make him something to eat, get him a drink, give him a massage. He always says no thanks. Only time he lets me is when he is sick....but whenever I ask him for something he seems annoyed. For example last night I asked him if he would rub my head and my back because I had a stomach ache and wasn’t feeling good and he got annoyed and said it was late and he is going to bed and the he didn’t feel well either (which he says a lot). I was hurt. He didn’t even seem to care at all. If I tell him how I feel he just gets more defensive.
What you are doing now isn’t working. I don’t know that anything will, but you might try acting as though he isn’t there—he isn’t, really, not in any meaningingful way. That is more than just ignoring him for a bit.
Live your life. Do what you want, when you want. Don’t have him go with you when you go out with your friends. I would probably stop cooking for him and stop doing his laundry, too, not to be passive-aggressive, but to see if he will notice and maybe care enough to ask what’s going on. If he doesn’t or doesn’t care enough to do anything to change, you have your answer. He is taking you for granted.
I divorced my ex at your age. I have had a pretty good life since then. I had an opportunity to re-marry, but chose not to do so. Life can be good as a single. Try it. You might like it.
You can't fix that. Only he can. And he doesn't want to. He's perfectly fine.
You're already alone ... with a grumpy lump of a man who doesn't care how you feel.
You might as well break free and make a better life for yourself. Get some counseling to help you learn how to take care of yourself and understand that you are worth it.
Right but I’m 44. The pickings are slim as you get older.
I am always astonished at people who would rather be in a BAD relationship than NO relationship.
OP, that is just, well, nuts.
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