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I find it very strange that you would dig into this poster's past in such a way. That was from over 5 years ago. It may not have any bearing on the situation she has presented to us here.
I tend to take what posters present at face value and respond with the premise that they are true. If they are not, then no one knows that as well as the OP. I am not invested, I do not know anyone involved. But I'll speak to the information I'm given.
What history do you have with this poster, that you would come in here with first that other post, and then this piece of history? Are you the guy she got a restraining order against? Do you know her? Because coming to this kind of thread with the clear and present agenda to respond with, "No, you're just crazy" really reeks of an antagonistic motive.
My advice to her stands.
And frankly, that post she made, as far as I am concerned, makes no case, and proves nothing. Everything she described could be things that abusers gaslighted her into thinking. All of the behavior could be reactions to abuse from others. I don't know. Which is why I address what I'm given.
And really I see no reason this man has any business interacting with her. What exactly is the point of trying to argue that she is merely paranoid and suspicious? That really he's an ok bloke, or what? No, clearly he is not. He needs to leave her alone. And if he doesn't, then he needs to be put into prison. It's real simple at this point.
I think that, since you brought up blame, OP, on the last page...there's an interesting trail of thought here.
> Someone who does this is not sane; not normal.
> People who are not sane, who are mentally ill, cannot help it and cannot be helped.
> This is how I get off the hook, to believe they could be helped might make me wonder if I had an obligation to give help.
> If so, then I am bad for refusing to help = feel guilty.
> If he cannot be helped, then he is helpless, I can't help and only (maybe) a therapist could, but the guy is mental.
> Which means he can't help it. Which means it's not his fault. Which means he is sort of a victim.
> A compassionate person is kind to victims. Maybe I caused this? If he cannot bear fault, perhaps I must?
See, all of this leads back to one place, doesn't it? Putting blame or fault on yourself, or looking for ways to do so. Also, the failure to feel anger is tied to the same trigger. Helplessness. Because if something is your "fault" then maybe you can seize control, since the main discomfort of such situations, is being not in control of your safety...and feeling angry with no recourse and no way to do anything productive with it, also feels...helpless.
That is why no anger, and that is why you are actually asking if you bear some sort of responsibility in any of this, and looking for factors where you took a wrong turn. Because it is empowering to think you could have done something differently and maybe could do something differently in the future, because to some extent, taking responsibility makes one feel in control.
Unfortunately, much of the time, this is nothing but a vaguely soothing illusion.
The ONLY useful thing anyone gets out of this sort of thinking, is to try and have better personal boundaries in the future, to take some learning from it. So you can take that little piece, which is tied in with "responsibility" and it can be useful. But all of the "fault" and "blame" talk? Yeah, you're better off without that. It is not helpful or productive.
It does not matter what he thought or felt, or what you said or did, there is no justification for what he has done. And no matter how mentally wonky he might be, it isn't your problem, and you've a right to protect yourself. No one is entitled to anything from you just because you're nice to them and they thought maybe they could have more. And no, you don't have to abandon yourself and stop being nice to people...most people it is completely fine to be nice to...but you need to think about and practice "nice with boundaries." Even if your boundaries were too permeable before and led to this, that also isn't even your fault, because many of us are socialized to have weak boundaries. But it's a thing you can definitely take control of and improve, and that's part of the light at the end of the tunnel once this particular situation gets resolved.
I am not going to post about this anymore but I wanted to reply to this. You said some very insightful things.
I went through a phase for a couple years when I tried to diagnose myself with Borderline Personality Disorder (thats why I made that post pulling up every mistake Ive ever made). But I dont have it. None of the mental health doctors I have seen ever even mentioned it as a possibility and I have never been institutionalized. My problems were always anxiety/panic attacks, and complex PTSD.
But you are right, there is something empowering about taking the blame, wanting to imagine oneself the perpetrator even, instead of the victim. Because then at least there is the illusion of control. Feeling powerless to others whims is very scary, especially when that person has no empathy, no conscience. I have found comfort in being extremely independent and some people find this threatening. Independent people are hard to control. They dont submit or let others have their way. Maybe Ive taken things too far in that extreme. Ive done things my own way for sure and that may have created hardship for me sometimes. But I hated how dependent and helpless I was as a child when I had absolutely no say in things and was treated like an object with no rights or feelings.
All you said set me off on that train of thought. Its a kind of epiphany I think. Its true I am damaged too but through no fault of my own. And damaged people I guess attract other damaged people. These damaged men see something in me that makes them want to or think they can abuse me or take advantage. And to me the dynamic feels familiar. I wish I knew what signals I was giving off. But my solution to the issue now is to just isolate myself until I get to a point where I feel I am more in control of the people I allow in my life. Boundaries as you said.
I never really learned I had the right to protect myself. I overcompensated for this by being distant, hard to get close to, noncommittal. Sure I had plenty of friends, boyfriends, but no true connection or intimacy. In a way it was what they wanted too though. So for both of us things worked in the moment, in some dysfunctional way.
If I got into a relationship with this guy it would be the same pattern. Im determined to break the pattern and I usually accomplish what I am determined to do. Thats why I havent let him in and I wont ever. I am actually kind of proud of myself how I handled it. I have definitely grown and changed in a positive direction.
Thank you again everyone who posted and helped me. I think I got as much as I can out of this thread and it was quite a lot. My anxiety is still through the roof but my mind is clear and I know all the steps I need to take from here.
I am not going to post about this anymore but I wanted to reply to this. You said some very insightful things.
I went through a phase for a couple years when I tried to diagnose myself with Borderline Personality Disorder (thats why I made that post pulling up every mistake Ive ever made). But I dont have it. None of the mental health doctors I have seen ever even mentioned it as a possibility and I have never been institutionalized. My problems were always anxiety/panic attacks, and complex PTSD.
But you are right, there is something empowering about taking the blame, wanting to imagine oneself the perpetrator even, instead of the victim. Because then at least there is the illusion of control. Feeling powerless to others whims is very scary, especially when that person has no empathy, no conscience. I have found comfort in being extremely independent and some people find this threatening. Independent people are hard to control. They dont submit or let others have their way. Maybe Ive taken things too far in that extreme. Ive done things my own way for sure and that may have created hardship for me sometimes. But I hated how dependent and helpless I was as a child when I had absolutely no say in things and was treated like an object with no rights or feelings.
All you said set me off on that train of thought. Its a kind of epiphany I think. Its true I am damaged too but through no fault of my own. And damaged people I guess attract other damaged people. These damaged men see something in me that makes them want to or think they can abuse me or take advantage. And to me the dynamic feels familiar. I wish I knew what signals I was giving off. But my solution to the issue now is to just isolate myself until I get to a point where I feel I am more in control of the people I allow in my life. Boundaries as you said.
I never really learned I had the right to protect myself. I overcompensated for this by being distant, hard to get close to, noncommittal. Sure I had plenty of friends, boyfriends, but no true connection or intimacy. In a way it was what they wanted too though. So for both of us things worked in the moment, in some dysfunctional way.
If I got into a relationship with this guy it would be the same pattern. Im determined to break the pattern and I usually accomplish what I am determined to do. Thats why I havent let him in and I wont ever. I am actually kind of proud of myself how I handled it. I have definitely grown and changed in a positive direction.
Thank you again everyone who posted and helped me. I think I got as much as I can out of this thread and it was quite a lot. My anxiety is still through the roof but my mind is clear and I know all the steps I need to take from here.
I'm a damaged individual myself and it is true that damaged people attract other damaged, but also predatory people.
We are here for you whenever you have anymore questions. I myself am trying to figure out my signals because another guy made advances to me and he said a bunch of crazy stuff and he had that look in his eyes that I know all too well (the fixated guy had that same look).
I'm a damaged individual myself and it is true that damaged people attract other damaged, but also predatory people.
We are here for you whenever you have anymore questions. I myself am trying to figure out my signals because another guy made advances to me and he said a bunch of crazy stuff and he had that look in his eyes that I know all too well (the fixated guy had that same look).
I appreciate that! Ok, if something unusual happens I will post. Until then I will just deal.
That must be pretty disturbing to you that someone else is doing that. Of course I dont know you so I cant guess what the signals might be or what causes them to focus on you. I agree its predatory though. These are sexual advances? What did he say? (Only answer if you want of course)
I appreciate that! Ok, if something unusual happens I will post. Until then I will just deal.
That must be pretty disturbing to you that someone else is doing that. Of course I dont know you so I cant guess what the signals might be or what causes them to focus on you. I agree its predatory though. These are sexual advances? What did he say? (Only answer if you want of course)
He asked a very weird question and said some rather paranoid things.
He broke the RO again with a fake account on social media. As I said I have an account for business purposes. He was using a fake name and I had added this account awhile back not knowing its him of course. Yesterday I replied to a message he sent and then he admitted it was him and begged me not to send him to jail. Said he just wanted to talk to me one more time. I screenshot it.
Then he sent me a bunch of PMs saying sorry and he is just madly in love with me, etc.
I told him again to stop contacting me. Then he said he just wanted closure and was moving away at the end of the month, then he deactivated that account.
He also said other stuff like he thought I knew who he was because we had been chatting on IG. I have a IG account I never use and dont chat with anyone there, never have. So I wonder if he is trying to make me paranoid in case I have been chatting with anyone.
He tries to act like he is all sad and sensitive and heartbroken but I dont believe the act.
I am not going to report it because last time they didnt take it seriously when he broke the RO this way. I dont want the cops to get tired of me in case I need them in a real emergency, like someone trying to break in my house in the middle of the night.
Ruined my day yesterday but maybe he really is moving away now. I just dont trust him though, I think he is trying to mess with my head. Especially with the IG chat comment, that was just bizarre. If I had been chatting with anyone there that would have really upset me. He disguises himself pretty well. Even his typing looked different. He usually makes a lot of grammer and spelling errors and I was using that to "detect" him but the grammer and spelling looked pretty much fine. Disturbing.
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