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geez, sounds like my story but I didn't have 2 million to give. Anyway, my wife became depressed after both kids started school although I didn't know how depressed. Went a couple years with very little sex but figured it was a temporary thing. After a while she began acting much differently then hit me with the divorce thing. Of course she blamed me, I didn't care for her, didn't meet her needs blah blah. We went to counceling at my suggestion. still didn't figure her seeing someone. Then found a letter he wrote her. She'd been having an affair for quite a while 6 months or more. I tried making her happy, tried everything because of the kids until I realized nothing was going to work. We separated, and she got pregnant by the guy that was her soul mate, except he dumped her when she told him she was pregnant. She filled the kids with her hate and I refused to do the same. That was 27 years ago. I met someone and married her 22 years ago and still very happy. Kids grew up and realized on their own what happened and that she told them lies for years. Now the ex lives in a small apartment with dogs and cats and lives such a filthy life the grandchildren wont go inside to see her. Of course I lost all those years of my children not wanting to see me which I can never get back. But in the end, my ex paid a heavy price. I almost feel sorry for her. Almost.
geez, sounds like my story but I didn't have 2 million to give. Anyway, my wife became depressed after both kids started school although I didn't know how depressed. Went a couple years with very little sex but figured it was a temporary thing. After a while she began acting much differently then hit me with the divorce thing. Of course she blamed me, I didn't care for her, didn't meet her needs blah blah. We went to counceling at my suggestion. still didn't figure her seeing someone. Then found a letter he wrote her. She'd been having an affair for quite a while 6 months or more. I tried making her happy, tried everything because of the kids until I realized nothing was going to work. We separated, and she got pregnant by the guy that was her soul mate, except he dumped her when she told him she was pregnant. She filled the kids with her hate and I refused to do the same. That was 27 years ago. I met someone and married her 22 years ago and still very happy. Kids grew up and realized on their own what happened and that she told them lies for years. Now the ex lives in a small apartment with dogs and cats and lives such a filthy life the grandchildren wont go inside to see her. Of course I lost all those years of my children not wanting to see me which I can never get back. But in the end, my ex paid a heavy price. I almost feel sorry for her. Almost.
I'm sorry you went through that, and that your kids went through that. Realize, that depression is a mental illness. That should be clear, at this point. It's tragic, how couples fail to communicate. She needed mental health care, way back then, but probably didn't realize it, and instead, blamed you. Anytime sex drops off radically, for months, not to mention--two years, it's a symptom of something serious.
This brings up a good point that people aren’t mind readers in relationships.
No one should pull away and stop having sex and expect their partner to get to the bottom of why they are so upset.
And if you notice a change in your partner, it’s equally important to tell your partner you notice a change, and ask what is going on.
The husband cannot be blamed for this any more than the ex wife.
And if the wife exhibited signs of depression and pulling away from the kids, all the more reason to get them into therapy so that they don’t have abandonment issues later on in life.
I really appreciate you trying to work through this and take responsibility for your part in the relationship, OP. That is a loving and mature response to crisis.
But do realize there are limits you need to observe for yourself and her sake. Don’t enable her and her emotionally abusive treatment of you, her alcoholism, etc. Protecting the kids is critical and maintaining as much custody and visitation as you can is the best way to do it. Don’t speak badly of their mother either, but do listen if they want to talk. Therapy is a great idea too, for them AND you.
I wish you the very best and hope the divorce does go smoothly. Keep it business and get s solid lawyer. Document every contact and try to do as many things through email possible to have a written record, if you end up needing it. Realize that while you didn’t do everything right (you’re only human) she is ultimately responsible for her own choices and you cannot love her enough to save her from herself or self destruction if she is bent on it. Release yourself from that notion, it’s not your place to take that on.
I hope you get a happy ending out of this down the road, and closing this chapter with her is the first step to moving toward that.
I can see where this is going to end up for her, and it ain't pretty. She has made some very poor decisions.
I do not believe that unhappiness can be used as an excuse for cheating. If you are unhappy, you tell your partner first, before running into the arms of another person. She seems very morally immature.
I wish you all the health and happiness in future.
My ex was targeted by a sociopath...she manipulated his vulnerabilities and insecurities and convinced him of all sorts of things that were not reality. He was unhappy, and she just rolled right over him. He learned pretty quickly that she was controlling his every move, but he was powerless to do anything about it.
After a few years of her machinations he had a really hard time extricating her from his life.
She was welcome to him...he was unhappy and angry all the time. He was a morally weak person from the start and I should never have married him
Well, sociopaths are more exciting in this overly shallow, hypergamistic world we now live in. She'll be sorry when she gets tired of her newfound beau beating her senseless every week, or maybe not.
I've seen this happen close to home (and we probably all have a story). A woman I know with a 8 year old daughter left a decent responsible man just to ride the "CC" with a guy who took her on expensive holidays every two seconds, only to be abused by her and attacked repeatedly. Now she's found somebody else, is still very unhappy and gained about 400lbs. Her kid can't be any better off for it, what a shame.
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