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If you were treated poorly in all of your relationships, I would think you either had low self esteem to allow that treatment, no boundaries, or it turns you on. Does punitive treatment turn you on? For some, it is a kink.
What I find funny is that people always single out women for going after the "jerk" or the "cruel" person, and yet us men do the same thing.
Yeah, this woman sure did. There's something about the "bad boy". I married one at age 30 (should have known better) and it was a disaster other than producing DS. Second DH didn't have a mean bone in his body. I guess I learned.
Last year I went to a reunion of my grade school (50 years since 8th-grade graduation). One guy in attendance was a drop-dead gorgeous former classmate I'd ALWAYS had a mad crush on. He still didn't look bad after all these years- just a little fleshier. I mentioned him to another classmate and she'd dated him- said he was mean occasionally. When I sent pictures of the reunion to the family my sister reminded me of how, when we were all at the local pool, the guys would wrestle with us and try to dunk us, and this particular guy nearly drowned her. Funny how you forget those little details. I was immediately reminded of the terrible feeling of someone's hand on my head, pushing me under the water.
It doesn't necessarily take extensive therapy- as long as you're wise enough to understand that any passion in the relationship wouldn't be worth the abuse, you've learned your lesson.
Yeah, this woman sure did. There's something about the "bad boy". I married one at age 30 (should have known better) and it was a disaster other than producing DS. Second DH didn't have a mean bone in his body. I guess I learned.
Last year I went to a reunion of my grade school (50 years since 8th-grade graduation). One guy in attendance was a drop-dead gorgeous former classmate I'd ALWAYS had a mad crush on. He still didn't look bad after all these years- just a little fleshier. I mentioned him to another classmate and she'd dated him- said he was mean occasionally. When I sent pictures of the reunion to the family my sister reminded me of how, when we were all at the local pool, the guys would wrestle with us and try to dunk us, and this particular guy nearly drowned her. Funny how you forget those little details. I was immediately reminded of the terrible feeling of someone's hand on my head, pushing me under the water.
It doesn't necessarily take extensive therapy- as long as you're wise enough to understand that any passion in the relationship wouldn't be worth the abuse, you've learned your lesson.
Often times, "jerk" and "bad boy" is simply someone with a backbone and boundaries, and then there are the real jerks that some women go after for different reasons.
Wow on the wrestling and drowning, though.
I am happy for you with your second DH.
I know a woman who still goes after the "bad boy" and she is in her 50s. I used to hear about all of those stories she would tell. For a while, I'd forget that she was out of high school. She would definitely need therapy if she wanted to change.
I think there is a major flaw in many people's mind that allows us to fall for people who are evil and cruel.
I have had some really bad relationships with women who were just cruel to me and eventually I had the courage to end the relationship Living in a relatively small town does not let me escape these evil women though. I run into them in public and just melt when I see them. They were cruel to me when we were dating, but after time passes and I am alone, they now seem so wonderful when I see them.
I will chat and be friendly and conversational to be polite when we run into each other and by the end of the conversation, I can see why I was in love with them. I just melt and become quite emotional after the brief encounter. I am turned on sexually, emotionally and psychologically. All the cruelty that came from them in the past is forgotten.
When you run into ex-lovers who were cruel to you, are you weak like me?
This "flaw" in you is yours to correct. Get some therapy to help you mitigate it unless you actually enjoy it. If, as you indicate, you've had more than one "evil and cruel" relationship, you are the common denominator.
It is a tough thing to deal with for certain. Cruel to me is someone who is...CRUEL, as in abusive and sadistic. To me, it goes beyond just saying mean things (even though that would encourage me to end a relationship after a certain point. And I never heard of a woman being cruel for withholding love, sex, or affection. That's certainly not my definition of cruel. When I think of cruel, I think more along the lines of my stepmother. She tried to get my father to kill me by feeding him lies among many other things I can't go into.
But then even a woman who just withholds love, sex, and affection from me, I am gonna want to get to the bottom of why that is. But I would never consider her cruel. She could be dealing with a health issue, especially if she walks around with low energy.
What I find funny is that people always single out women for going after the "jerk" or the "cruel" person, and yet us men do the same thing.
I was certainly wondering what behavior was there, that was evil or cruel to the OP. That's pretty subjective stuff. I think that a sensible person who has healthy relationships would see those words as meaning sadistic (in a bad way, and yes, there is a "good" way, but I'm not getting into that here/now), abusive, that kind of thing. Or manipulative at least. But I've heard it used to mean someone who rejects you or does not reward your devotion with love from their end. While unrequited love or desire can hurt, it shouldn't be seen as an act of cruelty on the part of someone who just isn't feelin' it.
It actually took me a long time to fully wrap my brain around that, too, because I felt that the relatively few times I fell for a guy, when he got the sex and then moved on, it felt like I was being used. The reality is that the guy had every right to not want to bond emotionally if he just wasn't feeling that way for me. My pain does not make someone else a bad person.
This "flaw" in you is yours to correct. Get some therapy to help you mitigate it unless you actually enjoy it. If, as you indicate, you've had more than one "evil and cruel" relationship, you are the common denominator.
I like many other men had an attraction ot ******* and when I see my ex girl friends out on the town who played that role, I am still turned on emotionally and sexually but not logically.
I like many other men had an attraction ot ******* and when I see my ex girl friends out on the town who played that role, I am still turned on emotionally and sexually but not logically.
None of what you've described in this thread sounds like love.
I agree with CatzPaw that your weakness is within you, and resolvable, but you must get some kind of thrill out of this push-pull or you would stop it.
Why would anyone want to date evil and cruel people??? Losers? Masochists?
Not masochists, we've got more sense. lol
No, I still say that I'm questioning exactly what is meant by evil and cruel in the OP's world, and he hasn't cleared that up.
The closest we got to an answer sounded like the notion some guys have told me that they love the whole hot/crazy combo in a woman because it makes them exciting lovers. The element of risk perhaps, as a spice to a sexual affair? At any moment, this bat-poo-crazy person might sink a 6" stiletto heel right between your eyes in a moment of passion?
Well, I'm one to talk. I carry a slight frisson of desire for a man who had a worm farm in his basement and a mannequin in his living room, and who admitted to having some pretty felonious fantasies. And yeah, he was a blast in bed while it lasted, but... He was just very weird. Not really evil, or cruel.
Like when I think of real evil or cruelty, I'm thinking "someone who tortures animals?" So I just don't know what the OP is even really talking about here.
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