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So I've dating my girlfriend for a little over 10 months and we plan on moving in together when our leases are up in July. Well she has 2 current male roommates (1 gay, the other one is straight). She stated that she wanted all of us to get a house together. Well I"m friends with them all due to me having met the roommates two or three times before we became serious and due to me being over her house all of the time.
Well she's been always taking his opinion into consideration before mine. For example her stating that she and her straight male roommate want the house to be next to a coffee shop, or they want a house with two master suites due to him having the master suite right now and her stating that he won't give it up (answering for him) and upon telling him of our plans to all move in together she told him that we don't want you to give it up.
We talked about moving in almost 3 months ago and that's why I don't know how to bring it up or even if I should.
Now i get that they work at the same field and at the same company and I can feel like an outsider but I feel as if I'm sometimes the third wheel in our relationship.
The straight roommate is the one who I feel this way with even though we're friends so I cannot say anything to him or my girlfriend because she'll tell me to stop being dumb and over think things. I trust and love her completely so I don't know why I feel like this. What should I do?
Last edited by J.JSmith2121; 11-30-2018 at 08:56 AM..
So I've dating my girlfriend for a little over 10 months and we plan on moving in together when our leases are up in July. Well she has 2 current male roommates (1 gay, the other one is straight). She stated that she wanted all of us to get a house together. Well I"m friends with them all due to me having met the roommates two or three times before we became serious and due to me being over her house all of the time.
Well she's been always taking his opinion into consideration before mine. For example her stating that she and her straight male roommate want the house to be next to a coffee shop, or they want a house with two master suites due to him having the master suite right now and her stating that he won't give it up (answering for him) and upon telling him of our plans to all move in together she told him that we don't want you to give it up. Another example while at the christmas store getting lights, she asked my opinion on lights to get, yet she also asked her roommate. I know that i don't live there but she was like we're getting these set of lights because my roommate said so. Like why are you going to ask for my opinion if you're going to do what he says.
Now i get that they work at the same field and at the same company and I can feel like an outsider but I feel as if I'm sometimes the third wheel in our relationship.
The straight roommate is the one who I feel this way with even though we're friends so I cannot say anything to him or my girlfriend because she'll tell me to stop being dumb and over think things. I trust and love her completely so I don't know why I feel like this. What should I do?
Honestly, I would get your own place when your lease is up.
As a couple, moving into this roommate situation, even in a new location, will only add strain to your relationship. If you feel this way now, you will feel even moreso when you all live together.
A couple moving in together is supposed to be a HUGE step, with commitment attached, and it only gets complicated when shared with others. You already feel marginalized, and if you move in with the three of them you will be another roommate who happens to have an extra attachment to one of the roommates. As the noob, you will never be considered equal to the other three, based on her actions so far. And the fact that you think you can't even bring it up to her isn't a sign of good emotional intimacy.
It may be easier financially, but it's not the smartest decision for the health of your relationship. Personally, I'd put off moving in together with her. But if you're cool w/ cohabitation, then I would definitely not have other people living together with you two.
Well the good things about the two roommates are that they are both clean, pitch into cleaning the house, are ery friendly and good people. the girl is the best, I do love her honestly and last night we spent dinner w/ her two roommates and it was awesome, we all get along, it just felt right, like I was at home.
Well the good things about the two roommates are that they are both clean, pitch into cleaning the house, are ery friendly and good people. the girl is the best, I do love her honestly and last night we spent dinner w/ her two roommates and it was awesome, we all get along, it just felt right, like I was at home.
Obviously they have good characteristics or else you probably would not even consider this arrangement.
IMHO, though, this set-up will not be good for your romantic relationship.
You sound like a more stable and secure guy than most who post here with girlfriend vs. friend issues, which will help you navigate it more easily. But truthfully the biggest red flag to me is that you don't feel like you can discuss this with her. That really does not bode well for a situation where you are moving in together primarily because your leases are up.
How do you honestly think she would react if you said something like this to her:
"I wanted to ask you about something I've noticed. You probably aren't even aware of this, but I feel like you tend to favor Roommate's opinion over mine when you're making decisions.
I know this may not seem like a big deal, but I really am hoping you will see how it looks from my point of view and how I sometimes can feel like a third wheel in my own relationship.
I'm excited about moving in together, but this thing that I keep feeling makes me nervous about the situation because I want to be comfortable in my own home and I want you to feel like you can trust me as an equal member of that household. I really wanted to see what you think about it."
In your own words of course.
If you brought it up that way, without really accusing her of something, how do you think she would react?
If she clues in and says, "Oh my gosh, I had no idea..." and actually makes changes to her behavior, that would be a good sign. If she blows you off and accuses you of being sensitive or anything negative, that would be a bad omen for your future together.
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