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Sorry if my post was overly long to you, Levels77, but if you skim, you'll miss pertinent details. Thank you for your input.
There are no pertinent details other than she is not satisfied with this arrangement.
He may be a wonderful person and one night a week may satisfy his need for a relationship but if what he has to give isn't enough, she should be looking elsewhere.
My 20 year-old grand-niece and I are very close. We've shared many personal things, among them her present romantic quandary, for which she's asked my advice, and I'm not quite sure what to tell her.
My grand-niece is a junior in college and has been dating a seemingly nice young man for nearly a year. He calls every Friday night to ask her out for Saturday night, so they see each other once a week. They go somewhere nice, and he's very polite and attentive to her, and yes, they're intimate. However, he doesn't text, call, or see her other than this once a week date.
My grand-niece has fallen in love with this young man and is hurt and frustrated that he doesn't want to see her more often. He's not dating or hooking up with anyone else. He does appear to be heavily involved in his passion for physics. At 21, he's begun his PhD in theoretical physics and is wholly absorbed in it. When my grand-niece spent last summer in Europe, he did text her several times a week and was eager for her return to the U.S. Now they're back to the same dating schedule -- no more, no less.
My grand-niece has had boyfriends since her late teens, but this young man is her first big love. She's absolutely besotted with him. However, she quite naturally wants to see more of him, but that doesn't seem likely to happen. She's tried to break it off with him several times but always goes back to him.
She's asked me if she should keep seeing him or just give up on him. Thus far I've gently told her that the young man is perhaps more interested in his science than anything else just now and that his emotional restraint is not her fault. He does have a number of professors and older physicists hovering around him, for the young man is reputedly brilliant and is being groomed for a very bright future.
Privately, I've wondered if my grand-niece is this young man's once-a-week booty call -- although, when I've seen them together, he does look at her with affection and always holds her hand or puts his arm around her. He's rather shy, but so is she. The college grapevine has revealed no other girls in his life.
So, should I advise her to let him go and eventually find someone more attentive? Is she wasting her time, or should she wait for this late bloomer to bloom? She does love him dearly.
We had a topic very similar to this, just a couple of months ago, started by the "young man" in the equation, who was a scientist, just like your niece's bf.
Here's the deal, OP. The man is brilliant, obviously; he's working on a physics PhD at the tender age of 21. If she doesn't want "brilliant", she should move on. "Brilliant", especially at that age, i.e. while acquiring degrees in one's chosen field, unavoidably means long hours studying and doing lab work. Making a mark in one's profession at that age requires iron discipline. Normally, brilliance, discipline and dedication are considered good qualities.
Frankly, your niece is lucky she gets to see him weekly, the young gent who posted here earlier said, that when studying for finals, he had to buckle down for a couple of weeks, and couldn't see his gf. He'd also qualified for a prestigious internship at CERN (obviously he was an EU citizen), CERN, OP! (You know, that Higg's Boson machine the Swiss built?) But because his gf was upset with being temporarily sidelined while he was studying hard for finals (maintaining the highest GPA of his class is what qualified him for CERN), he actually threw away this internship!!!!! As far as we could tell, she broke up with him anyway, but he didn't update us.
If your niece wants to hold her guy back from his brilliant career, she should do him the courtesy of finding someone not so brilliant and career-driven. This is one of those stories we often see, that says something like, "I'm besotted with her (or him), she's really great, BUT....there's this one niggly thing I can't deal with". And the niggly little thing turns out to be fundamental, not marginal.
She needs to decide now, whether she wants to be with a brilliant physicist for the rest of her life, or not. Once he's degreed, and established in his career, his hours should settle down to a dull roar, so they can at least enjoy weekends together, and nice vacations. There may be late nights during the week, but she should keep in mind, that that's what pays their bread and butter. People who marry doctors and lawyers face the same thing. This is life. If that's not what she wants, she can go for someone more laid-back, who might end up a middle-management type, or a teacher, or copy editor, or heck, a university professor, or a bus driver. She shouldn't go for a techie; they work insane hours, too.
Her choice. You can outline that to her, and let her think about what she wants from life and partnership.
P.S. And btw, the idea that he's playing her, and seeing others on the side, is laughable, given his field and how much he's achieved in his short life, and also quite offensive in that context. If she can't support him in what he's doing, she should bow out, and move on. Notice, that she's "besotted" with everything about him EXCEPT, basically....with who he is: a genius physicist who was already doing advanced physics in his teens.
Poor guy. He deserves someone who's into him for who he is. Though granted, at 21, most people just want a normal, average, fun partner they can do spontaneous fun stuff with on weekends, rather than being rationed one afternoon/evening per week. At 21, he's already in the adult world, while your niece is still in early 20's college mode. Different life stages, even though he's still in college, but he's WAY, way ahead of her, in that stage; light years ahead, so to speak. It's a different world.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 01-16-2019 at 01:29 PM..
Hi Ruth, good observations from you. I've already told my grand-niece much of what you mention regarding the young man's schooling and future career. My grand-niece too has a vigorous schedule. Her art requires many hours in the studio, and her post-grad work will demand even more time. The fact that these two young people recognize each other's strong passion for their respective fields, as well as understand each other's need for a lot of solitude to do their work, makes me (sometimes) think they may have a chance. The young man has never had a girlfriend before, and he was brought up to think of his future career first. His grandfather worked with Oppenheimer on the Manhattan Project, and his dad is well-respected physicist himself, so the pressure for him to "succeed" is unrelenting. My grand-niece, who is an independent young lady, has no intentions of trying to curb his brilliance or interfere with his career. She would simply like to see him more than once a week!
Levels77, my post that states my grand-niece is "hurt and frustrated." She is not happy. I also wrote that she has asked my advice and that I *privately* wonder if she's a booty call. I wouldn't dream of suggesting that to her or of implanting ideas or interfering. Please reread my post more carefully. She's an art major and he's in a physics program, so no, they can't study together.
I'm sorry, gramps, or I guess it's "unc", but at your age you should know better. How many 21-year-olds do you know, who are doing PhD physics programs? Does that mean nothing to you? It screams loud and clear, to me. How old was Einstein, when he wrote the Theory of Relativity? I can understand your grand-niece being frustrated, because she can't enjoy the leisure time with her guy, that some of her gf's are enjoying with theirs, and naturally, being in love, she wants to see more of him. But an older person, one that's two generations removed, no less, should be able to see the bigger picture.
Hi Ruth, good observations from you. I've already told my grand-niece much of what you mention regarding the young man's schooling and future career. My grand-niece too has a vigorous schedule. Her art requires many hours in the studio, and her post-grad work will demand even more time. The fact that these two young people recognize each other's strong passion for their respective fields, as well as understand each other's need for a lot of solitude to do their work, makes me (sometimes) think they may have a chance.
OK, now you're talkin' ! (Sorry I got on your case, but you didn't present this, earlier.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by jbowman09;
The young man has never had a girlfriend before, and he was brought up to think of his future career first. His grandfather worked with Oppenheimer on the Manhattan Project, and his dad is well-respected physicist himself, so the pressure for him to "succeed" is unrelenting. My grand-niece, who is an independent young lady, has no intentions of trying to curb his brilliance or interfere with his career. She would simply like to see him more than once a week!
NOW you tell us! BTW. I live down the hill from where the Manhattan Project took place. I'm looking for a physicist or engineer, myself.
I understand, about her wanting to see him more than once/week. But he's in a demanding program; it's not just about being raised to put career first. The sciences are very time-consuming by nature, because of the class hours (at the lower levels), plus the additional lab hours.
What does HE say about the suggestion he squeeze out a little more time/week for her? What do they do on vacations or school breaks?
She is not happy with the relationship, so she should move on.
Sure she could threaten him with a break-up, or push him to see her more, but even if that changes things (it will only be for a short time), does she really want to be with someone she has to nag to see her?
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Yes, Ruth, he's in a demanding program -- and so is she. She puts in more studio hours than he does lab hours. They both work on their respective projects during school breaks. She spent last summer studying art in Europe, while he worked with grad students. Neither of them want a time-consuming partner or children in the future. He respects her painting ability, which is considerable. But she is young, with a tender heart, and wonders why the man she loves doesn't respond a bit more -- with, say, one text a week? One sixty-second phone call? She's afraid to ask him for more time. Oh, and his brilliance is precisely one of the main reasons she loves him. He does have a damn fine mind. And so does she.
Ruth, do you live in Los Alamos? If so, you are quite fortunate. I visited there years ago and found it to be wildly beautiful. Northern New Mexico is gorgeous!
She’s broken up with and gone back to him several times. I suppose they have talked about it then?
He knows it’s brought her to “crisis mode” more than once. He’s not changing any time soon.
I still wouldn't assume that she talked to him, very directly and very explicitly. OP actually said she "tried to break it off with him." Some people are terrible at speaking up for themselves and stating what they want. Who knows what she has said to him.
OP, have they talked? If so, what did he actually say in response?
Hi Ruth, good observations from you. I've already told my grand-niece much of what you mention regarding the young man's schooling and future career. My grand-niece too has a vigorous schedule. Her art requires many hours in the studio, and her post-grad work will demand even more time. The fact that these two young people recognize each other's strong passion for their respective fields, as well as understand each other's need for a lot of solitude to do their work, makes me (sometimes) think they may have a chance. The young man has never had a girlfriend before, and he was brought up to think of his future career first. His grandfather worked with Oppenheimer on the Manhattan Project, and his dad is well-respected physicist himself, so the pressure for him to "succeed" is unrelenting. My grand-niece, who is an independent young lady, has no intentions of trying to curb his brilliance or interfere with his career. She would simply like to see him more than once a week!
Here’s the thing... she is a booty call.
He gets laid once a week and goes back to school not having to talk to her all week. How’s that work?
I mean, if there was something more to this guy he would want to share his success and failures with her. Talk to her on the phone during the week. Filling her in on his studies and vice versa.
It looks to me like he has it made with this non committed relationship.
Tell her to dump him.
If he calls on Friday she should tell him she has a date already. Buh bye.
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As far as we could tell, she broke up with him anyway, but he didn't update us.
I can understand your grand-niece being frustrated, because she can't enjoy the leisure time with her guy, that some of her gf's are enjoying with theirs, and naturally, being in love, she wants to see more of him. But an older person, one that's two generations removed, no less, should be able to see the bigger picture.
(Sorry I got on your case, but you didn't present this, earlier.)
