Not in love with my husband and never have been (wife, marriage)
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Hi all. Im seeking some advice for a tough situation. I dont know what to do. I dated my husband for 4 years before we got married and we only got married because i accidentally got pregnant.
When we first started seeing one another, we both just got out of long term relationships. We were clear from the start that we just wantes someone casual. Neither one of us wanted a serious relationship...but days turned into weeks into months...you know how it goes. Things were comfortable and i felt safe with him. But it was never true soul mates love. I feel like i can say that for both of us.
We never said we loved one another until maybe 3 years later. And that was awkward and felt so unnatural. He said it first and i repeated it because i do love him. Hes so great in so many ways. But again not in love.
Then we found out we were pregnant and made the decision to get married becausw of the baby. Thinking back, that was a mistake. We nevee shoukd have gotten married just because of a baby. We coukd have been coparents and partners without the life long committment. But whats done is done.
And now we have been married for 2 years and have a beautiful toddler. Things are good for the most part and i dont have much to complain about. But i feel so lonely somwtimes. We lack intimacy and those little touches that i crave. For him, intimacy means sex. But for me, it means all those little things. You know...the random hugs and kisses. My head on his shoulder. Those things are all missing.
To get a hug from him is a battle. I literally have to force him into it. He never kisses me or touches me if it doesnt lead to sex. I just feel so alone and so sad. But to be fair those thibga were missing in the beginning of our relationship but o guess it never botheree me so much. It really bothers me now.
Im trying to imagine the next 5, 10, 15 years without these little touches and i feel like my heart breaks.
But like i said, aside from that, we are fine. We are good friends, we arw good parents and we have fun. I know a ton of people looking for that and i already have it. But at times it just doesnt feel like enough and i dont know what to do.
Hi all. Im seeking some advice for a tough situation. I dont know what to do. I dated my husband for 4 years before we got married and we only got married because i accidentally got pregnant.
When we first started seeing one another, we both just got out of long term relationships. We were clear from the start that we just wantes someone casual. Neither one of us wanted a serious relationship...but days turned into weeks into months...you know how it goes. Things were comfortable and i felt safe with him. But it was never true soul mates love. I feel like i can say that for both of us.
We never said we loved one another until maybe 3 years later. And that was awkward and felt so unnatural. He said it first and i repeated it because i do love him. Hes so great in so many ways. But again not in love.
Then we found out we were pregnant and made the decision to get married becausw of the baby. Thinking back, that was a mistake. We nevee shoukd have gotten married just because of a baby. We coukd have been coparents and partners without the life long committment. But whats done is done.
And now we have been married for 2 years and have a beautiful toddler. Things are good for the most part and i dont have much to complain about. But i feel so lonely somwtimes. We lack intimacy and those little touches that i crave. For him, intimacy means sex. But for me, it means all those little things. You know...the random hugs and kisses. My head on his shoulder. Those things are all missing.
To get a hug from him is a battle. I literally have to force him into it. He never kisses me or touches me if it doesnt lead to sex. I just feel so alone and so sad. But to be fair those thibga were missing in the beginning of our relationship but o guess it never botheree me so much. It really bothers me now.
Im trying to imagine the next 5, 10, 15 years without these little touches and i feel like my heart breaks.
But like i said, aside from that, we are fine. We are good friends, we arw good parents and we have fun. I know a ton of people looking for that and i already have it. But at times it just doesnt feel like enough and i dont know what to do.
I wpuld love so advice and insight. I feel lost.
Seek out a counselor, and begin exploring the reality of divorce.
A life like you are describing is incredibly long. Don't waste it in an unhappy situation.
It sounds like you two need to read that "love languages" book together. Have you clearly told him what you're missing? If not, that's a place to start, possibly with the help of a counselor.
I've been there. Got married, for the "Security' then stayed married because of pregnancy. Good friend of mine married a man that she had known since 5th grade, when they were in their 20.s. He joined the Army, she was a good military wife, raised her son, and they had 2 more. She kept herself busy, but as the boys grew up and didn't need her attention anymore, she started feeling the loneliness, the need for 'love', being in love. She loves her husband for who he is, a good provider, good father, but not someone she is in love with. After 17 years of marriage, she started having a relationship with a man that made her feel alive, young, needed, vibrant and worthwhile. The relatiionship went on for 5 years, the husband finally caught on. He loved her, and was devastated, but he can never give her the feeling the other man does. She stays married, but everyday stays in contact with her "SoulMate". Its a sad situation in reality. She becomes the martyr because she can't stand the thought of their family, 3 sons finding out that they are not the perfect couple.
I myself got a divorce after five years of marriage when my sons were 5 years old, hardest thing I ever did. I finally had to convince myself that raising my sons to believe that the quiet misery that two people endure because they have children is sometimes a double edged sword. You're raising them to believe that marriage is a burden, punishment, no matter how bad it gets, how much you dislike, sometimes even resent that person for marrying you you stay together because you're married. I chose the road that let my sons see two people that couldn't live together, but could be good parents still and show them the love they deserved without the resentment that they made us stay together and because of them we were miserable.
If you're not in love, and you're staying together for no other reason than the child, you will begin to resent the child, and as soon as they turn 18, you will want to move on and try to start a new life, searching for your partner. Think about what you are showing your child by your staying together. Is that what you want them to think life is?
I was going to make a snarky post, but truth is I can't say I wouldn't be immune to the series of choices made that put you in this circumstance. I would try salvage since the two of you have a good foundation, but it's easy for me to sit here and say that not being in your shoes.
It sounds like you two need to read that "love languages" book together. Have you clearly told him what you're missing? If not, that's a place to start, possibly with the help of a counselor.
We have read that book and found out what our languages are. For him, surprisingly it is physical touch. But that just means he wants more sex. Not actual touches. And for me, it was quality time. We do spend a lot of time together as a family and that is wonderful. He is such a great parent. But when it is just the 2 of us, we barely talk at times. We sit on different couches because he wants space.
I have told him i need more touches and that it makes me feel secure and good. And he says he agrees but again, that just means sex. But i dont crave it as much as he does because it has become a chore to me. There is no foreplay, no kisses, nothing. It is quick and hes satisfied but im not.
Ive tried intiating sex with foreplay but the second i touch him, he aska for space. For example, if we are in bed together, ill snuggle up to him and within 2 sconds he will ask that i go to my side of the bed. The other day, i kissed him goodnught on the cheek and he wiped it away like it was a big joke. I just feel so sad.
I keep telling myswlf that we are compatible in so many other ways. And we have so much going on for us. I snuggle our dog and our kid and tell myself that that is enough. And for a short while it is. But then other days this loneliness just hits me and leaves me feeling so trapped and cold.
I have considered therapy but it is not something he wouls ever take seriously.
Have you discussed this with him? Have you used the strong word of divorce?
Hate to sound doom & gloom, but there was no real hope for a true and fruitful relationship from the start. Maybe in the old days it was considered noble to marry in your situation for the child's sake. It's a new world and marriage is not a prerequisite to be good parents to your child.
Have the difficult conversation, and don't waste your life finding something that doesn't exist while what really could exist is passing you buy.
I agree with seeking out counseling...to a point. The way you frame the issue, there really isn't anything to discuss. Love isn't there, so why lose out on the relationship you could have? As long as both of you stay true to parenting your child, all will be good.
Just my .02 from afar and based solely on your post not knowing you at all.
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